sorry, been in hiding

Can you tell what I do when I am stressed or worry? yeah, I crawl right inside myself. I don't like to share my worries and give them air to breathe and grow.....so I lock them down deep inside and then clam up and deal. Fortunately, I am better with J. and I tell him when I am worried and he knows that as the day or thing approaches that I am obsessing over, I will become more and more quiet. He accepts it and gently tries to get me to stop worrying.

This time, of course I was worried about my OB appointment. So many things to worry about, will I like the new doctor, will I get to see the doctor, will they do an US, if they do what will we see....and on and on. This appointment is on the same timeline as my first mc which was a missed mc. J. and I go happily into the appointment thinking we are 9 weeks along and going to see our baby....on the anniversary of the day we met....and our world crashed down.

This appointment started out different. J. wasn't able to go because his company did layoffs yesterday and as HR Director....he needed to be there as support if there were any issues or things that needed addressed. I understand. And he has seen the babies twice already and there will be many more chances.

I met the doctor and my first impression was great. She sits down and says "i guess you know you are pregnant" LOL...yes got that covered :) she goes through my history and I bring her up to speed as to how we got here. I think I made the story more complicated than I needed to but I wanted her to know everything....we do the annual exam stuff....as I was past due (only 3 months....bad, bad I know). Then she says that we will go into the next room and take a look. Oh my....a doctor who listens!! yay! I couldn't imagine walking out of that office without knowing how my baby A and B are doing.

We go into the room and she asks me to lay down on the table....what? lay down? not remove everything from the waist down? I have been going to the RE too long. She wants to do the tummy US....really? how novel. At the time I didn't even have time to think about my last tummy US....the one where we didn't see the heartbeat, the one that turned into a vaginal US and eventually led to the D&E....thank god I didn't have time to think that. Instead, I thought, uh oh, I didn't drink a lot of water in prep for this LOL.

Immediately I see Baby A! there was the heartbeat easily seen with the tummy US. And looking like a baby. Now I forgot to mention.....the OB's equipment is nothing like the RE's....everything is much older and blurrier plus it is on the tummy which I know isn't as clear early....but there is baby A. big!

So she starts to look for baby B.....no, I think that is your enlarged right ovary....see the cysts on it? yep, that is the ovary. hmmm....not seeing another sac....hmmm. Baby B is doing his darndest to hide. Just like the other two times....I am starting to think maybe not, maybe we won't see him. The OB is thinking the same thing. She says I am just not seeing it. And then there it is....small so small compared to A. And then you can see inside but like the last time.....it isn't clear. She is saying I just don't see a heartbeat. and the sac is so small. And she is right, the sac is so small, it is filled with baby....the other one looks so different. I tell her that with the vaginal US the sac looked bigger but as she was saying it is much smaller. I agree....but she keeps trying and then....there it is....a heartbeat. Seriously, little B has a heartbeat....and though the size difference remains....they are both progressing. Amazing.

A second amazing thing. The OB apologizes to me. She says she is sorry that she told me that there might not be a heartbeat. She apologizes more than once. I tell her, it is okay, thank you for apologizing, but most of all thank you for continueing to look and for finding the heartbeat.

So, litle B is not out of the woods by any means....he is much smaller than his big brother or sister and his sac seems small too, though obviously he is in a tough spot for anyone to get a good view. He is squeezed on one side by Big A....and on the other side by the enlarged right ovary....but he is still growing.

We are still pregnant with twins :) and ever so thankful. We will be praying every day that both A and B continue to develop.

Next appointment is in two weeks with the OB and she will be doing another US to check on them! Yay. and then two weeks after that, we have our NT scan scheduled. While I know there can be false positives....I mostly just want to see the bebes again....so once we get the results, we will go from there.

I will be trying to be better about posting....and not go into my shell. because otherwise this is going to be one boring lonely blog....I do have some ideas for a few posts....so I will be around.

Thank you all for your prayers, keep them coming. I will continue to pray for your miracles too :)