i miss her

Who is she?

~she saw pregnant women and smiled. she only thought "how wonderful" not "why not me?"

~she she believed that she would have her family soon

~she never imagined so much pain and loss in the world

~she felt in control

~she bought a gift for her husband the future father of their child...to surprise him with the news

~she didn't know about OPKs, CDs were for music not used to track fertile days, hormone levels, POAS...

~she was more nervous waiting for the 2 lines to show, than after seeing the 2 lines

~she believed that it would only happen once, it was a fluke

~she believed that the third time is a charm


That said, I am so very happy to have found such a wonderful support group through the power of blogging.

~SHE STILL HAS HOPE!

moving forward

So, I decided to get over my hissy fit about the insurance thing and just move forward. Because, seriously, whining about it just isn't going to change things and sucks out any positive energy I might have.

I must say though, that J. has been very supportive and when i lost it that night with him (crying not fighting), he asked why we didn't jusst pay for it out of pocket so that I wouldn't have to wait....oh my, perfect answer to really bring me back to earth. If he would have said, "it's only a few weeks" his head would have been on a stick, but instead as usual, he says the perfect thing to remind me why I waited until I was 37 to marry the BEST guy. Mind you, if I would have met him earlier, I would have married him earlier, but as it was we got engaged after 6 months, and married after 19 months. So, waiting to find mr. right, was the perfect thing....we just need that perfect egg.

The other thing he said as I was crying and I said how this whole thing sucks, is "yes, it does suck that this whole thing isn't happening on the timeline that we want. we just have to keep trying." I am obviously the control freak, and he is obviously my counter balance...thank goodness for that.

Today as every day, I am grateful to have found my soulmate.


**note, we are not paying out of pocket we will wait.....the insurance company is not getting out of paying for it :)

frustration

While I do understand that some insurance doesn't cover inf.ertility....and thus I am incredibly lucky to have coverage at all (well, actually it is the law in NJ that infert.ility is covered for companies with more than 50 covered employees) any way. because officially I am not infert.ile until March....I can't do my blood work or ultrasound this cycle....because it is February 23....and even though I have been trying for over a year, those 3 m/c count against me. and of course there is no arguing with the insurance cause they hold all keys to pay and if they say no, then no it is.

So, instead, the really helpful woman at the fert.ility center, and no sarcasm is intended, she was great, has suggested that I still do the HSG which we scheduled for March 2. I just need to call on March 1, to get precertified as infer.tile....ok, now it makes no sense that i have to wait until March 1, since "hello" there is no way that i will turn up pregnant next week since I won't even ovulate, but whatever....on March 1, I will be officially infer.tile not today on February 23 (same cycle). Then I will have the HSG on March 2. Then the NEXT cycle, I can do the blood work and baseline ultrasound, but by that time....it will be too late to start clomid so....it will be another cycle after that before I can "do" anything....

I know, I am ranting, but it really ticks me off that between now and march 1....seriously? one week and nothing can be done. and, I do know how lucky I am to have coverage at all....so bear with me this one rant :)

thanks for listening.

so next Tuesday, HSG some progress is better than nothing.

cycle day 1

This picture is a reminder to me. To remain positive, to remember that though something has ended, the dream for the last cycle....does anyone else do the crazy task of figuring out their due date every month if they were to conceive that cycle?....any way, to remember that there is always next cycle, another try, with a better outcome.

My dream of not needing that plan put together by the RE is dashed....so tomorrow I must call the fertility center and schedule 1. a baseline ultrasound to be done between CD 3-8 and 2. a HSG to be done between CD 5-12. Additionally I will need to go on Tuesday for CD3 bloodwork....woo hoo! we are on our way. So after that, we'll get together and discuss any and all findings and unless they find something, we will be on to clomid by the next cycle starting in late March (unless we wind up PG from this cycle.....gotta love the positive thinking of the RE's office)

with the last cycle goes my hope of delivering a baby within the 1 year anniversary of my first pregnancy's due date which was 10/25/08.....not going to happen, oh well. I think all those timeline hopes are going to have to stop. I had hoped to deliver before I turned 40...that is gone too....and i don't even want to put that I now hope to be pregnant before I turn 40 (but of course, I do....I have 3 months) I know part of this is the tick-tick that I feel....

IComLeavWe Vir.gin

It's the beginning of IComLeavWe, and it's my first time participating! I am excited. I got drawn into the blogosphere while researching miscarriages and losses and have found such a wonderful place of hope and sharing. Yes, there is sadness and loss, but there are success stories and new friends, new support from people who understand; who have experienced even harder times than I.

I wanted to participate to meet more people, reach out more ....

A little additional note, this blog started out all about TTC, and my guess is that it will remain the primary subject for a while, but I have branched out to discuss life, and I think the past will begin to work it's way in....doesn't it always?

thanks for reading!

unpleasant surprise

I normally get up in the middle of the night to pee....I hate it, but pretty much every night it happens, unless I am just tired, then sometimes I sleep through the night. any way, this morning, like usual I wake up and quietly get up so not to disturb J. and as soon as I stand up, whoosh I feel a gush of blood, from my nose! ugh....I had this issue when I was young and living alone. Pretty much at any time, my nose would just start bleeding like crazy for no particular reason. I was living in northern CA, so it wasn't hot or dry. I was working 2 jobs, 1 full time and 1 part time, and going to college full time. no insurance of course :) got to love those days. But I could be sitting in class and "feel" that it was going to happen and I would bolt for the door before grossing out the whole class. Last night was the same, it was like a transport in time, as soon as i "felt" it, my hand flew to my nose and I caught it all in my hand before any touched my tshirt i was sleeping in.

It was so strange, suddenly I felt 18 and alone again. remembering how I feared that I was sick, or worse. At the time, I just started staying away from all aspirin and other blood thinners, and eventually, think years.....it stopped. I have an aunt who had the capillaries in her nose cauterized to stop nosebleeds, so I just assumed it ran in the family. Now days, it rarely happens, usually only when I go hot dry places like Arizona.

But I find myself thinking about that time all day today, the time when I was 18, alone living 1000s of miles from my family. estranged from my mom....for stupid reasons,not the reasons that should have been. the closest family in kan.sas, me in cal.ifornia. my mom "betting" that i would be running home in 6 months.....instead we didn't speak for 5 years, and i lived in california for 14 years. my grandmother steadfast in her support of me, me steadfast in that i wouldn't be my mother, i would not marry 5 times, i would never allow anyone to abuse my children (if i EVER had any...because i wasn't sure i would ever want to) wow it feels so far away and long ago, and yet it feels like yesterday.

13 dpo =

BFN!! Not that I am surprised, but wanted to share for those of you who might be wondering.

The thing that really bothers me is that ever since the m/cs, my BBS get so tender during the entire luteal phase....and that really sucks. Not just maybe getting my hopes up, but they hurt :( and that really sucks.

So, now I am waiting for AF, please, I do know that technically I am not out until AF shows....and I will continue limiting caffeine and not drinking alcohol until she does....but I feel she'll be here soon. (oh how I would love to be surprised by a late BFP, but chances are not that great)

So on a better note, I never shared our valentine's day. We agreed ahead of time to celebrate in NYC over the weekend of 2/28 because we don't like the crowded rush of valentine's day. So I still gave J. a card on the actual day, and wasn't expecting much if anything since we had agreed in advance...but i married the best guy. He had a wonderful card and this:




A beautiful charm from tiff.any....not the bracelet, just the charm that I can put onto a necklace. He is the best :)

waiting

So, here I am, 11dpo and pretty sure that I am out this month. Why does the first week seem like anything is possible and the second week of waiting seem so painfully long....just dragging, when all I can think is ok, I get it....let's move on to next month. Not that I want to move on, but that is what I have gotten good at.

Do I really think I am out? or am I just fearful of the devastation of believing I am PG and then get smacked in the face? it is hard to say....even I can't answer that one. someplace inside I want dreadfully to be wrong, for this to be "the" month....

Last year at this time, I was PG. I told J. the weekend after Vday.....we were so excited. First pregnancy, first baby dreams, i remember it all so clearly. and then 2 months later we learned we lost the baby.....so anti-climatic. went for the 10 week US and saw....nothing. but there were no signs of trouble, no bleeding, no cramping, my HCG was 141,000 !! nothing to let us know that it would be the worst day of our life.....i am sure i will post about this again when that anniversary comes along, but today i can't separate the day I told J. with the "bad" day.....but I do remember and my throat tightens just thinking of how happy he was.

so, I wait....I say I wait, because I don't think J. is so in tune with my cycle that he knows when to test....he knows some what when i am fert.ile as I initiate way more during that week LOL....but otherwise he just goes along.

my LP is between 13-15 days.....been 15 the last 2 cycles. SO being positive :) I would expect to not see AF on Sunday. geez that seems like a long time. we'll see if I can hold out on testing until then (i do have a few $ store tests which make me feel less guilty, since they are so cheap)

ps.....as you can tell from this post I swing wildly from positive to negative about my chances. fortunately for J. I am able able to keep this to myself :)

windy productive day!

So, as you can tell from the photo, it is wicked windy today. Gusts up to 50mph which is playing havoc with everything. Today is garbage day and there are cans everywhere, in yards, in the bushes, in the middle of the road. Roof shingles are being ripped off like leaves. But, we still have power, so that makes me thankful.

I am about half way through my 2WW....thank goodness for that. I am trying to keep my mind off of it. SO today I ran errands.....many errands. 2 different banks, a pharmacy, the dry cleaner, the cable company to return a receiver, washed the car, did the dishes, now i think i will do some laundry, and then the gym later....yikes! thank goodness tomorrow is friday, or what would i have left to do?

tomorrow night we are going to the theatre in Phila.delphia. We are seeing A Street car named De.sire. we have a series of tickets and some of the shows are good, some not. I have never seen this, so I am interested in how it is. Then on Saturday, we are going to a first birthday party for J.'s cousins 2nd daughter. Then on Sunday, we are shopping for appliances for his parents (W&D) and i may have to go to a baby shower.....trying to get out of the shower.....not really in the mood for it.

so that will pass 3 more days.....monday will be 11dpo.....i need to figure out things to keep me busy :)

what haven't i done?

I was tagged by Vikki





"What haven't I done" tag



Here's the Rule, bold the things you've done & post on your blog!





1. Started your own blog


2. Slept under the stars


3. Played in a band


4. Visited Hawaii


5. Watched a meteor shower


6. Given more than you can afford to charity


7. Been to Disneyland


8. Climbed a mountain


9. Held a praying mantis


10. Sang a solo


11. Bungee jumped


12. Visited Paris


13. Watched a lightning storm at sea


14. Taught yourself an art from scratch


15. Adopted a child


16. Had food poisoning


17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty


18. Grown your own vegetables


19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France


20. Slept on an overnight train


21. Had a pillow fight


22. Hitch hiked


23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill


24. Built a snow fort


25. Held a lamb


26. Gone skinny dipping


27. Run a Marathon


28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice


29. Seen a total eclipse


30. Watched a sunrise or sunset


31. Hit a home run


32. Been on a cruise


33. Seen Niagara Falls in person


34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors


35. Seen an Amish community


36. Taught yourself a new language


37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied


38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person


39. Gone rock climbing


40. Seen Michelangelo’s David


41. Sung karaoke


42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt


43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant


44. Visited Africa


45. Walked on a beach by moonlight


46. Been transported in an ambulance


47. Had your portrait painted


48. Gone deep sea fishing


49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person


50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris


51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling


52. Kissed in the rain


53. Played in the mud


54. Gone to a drive-in theater


55. Been in a movie


56. Visited the Great Wall of China


57. Started a business


58. Taken a martial arts class


59. Visited Russia


60. Served at a soup kitchen


61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies


62. Gone whale watching


63. Got flowers for no reason


64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.


65. Gone sky diving


66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp


67. Bounced a check -


68. Flown in a helicopter


69. Saved a favorite childhood toy


70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial


71. Eaten Caviar


72. Pieced a quilt


73. Stood in Times Square


74. Toured the Everglades


75. Been fired from a job


76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London


77. Broken a bone


78. Been on a speeding motorcycle


79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person


80. Published a book


81. Visited the Vatican


82. Bought a brand new car


83. Walked in Jerusalem


84. Had your picture in the newspaper


85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year's Eve


86. Visited the White House


87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating


88. Had chickenpox


89. Saved someone’s life


90. Sat on a jury


91. Met someone famous


92. Joined a book club


93. Lost a loved one


94. Had a baby


95. Seen the Alamo in person


96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake


97. Been involved in a law suit


98. Owned a cell phone


99. Been stung by a bee



I am not tagging anyone speciifically but if you are looking for something for your blog, feel free to borrow. I felt really great about what I have done.....now if only i can get #94 done! :)

not much

Not too much to report here .... just in the 2WW, gotta love it!

I wanted to share the sunrise I saw on the shore over the weekend, the colors were incredible!!

Good news!

So, the waiting is over for this month! I got the peak reading and that cute little eggie this morning. Since it happened I can share with you one of the worries I had going this month, and why I had counted myself out.

J. is away on a ski trip, he left this afternoon and won't be home until late sunday evening. Which means we would BD today CD14 and then not again until sunday if we were lucky. And on the "normal" cycle I would O on CD 16-17 which is saturday/sunday which means unless there wer esome strong swimmers on thursday (which i know is possible, just not probable) then we would be out. I had resigned myself to that, and was pretty ok with it, given we have a go forward plan and this would have been the first motnh we truly missed due to travel.

BUT then on CD10, the high reading shows up.....this is early but still not convinced that it means I will O early, afterall some months I have 6-7 high readings in a row. Then I thought I started to feel the signs of O, but pushed it back...thinking it was in my imagination, i jut wanted to feel it. AND then this morning (CD14) that cute little eggie....the first peak meaning I will probably O tomorrow which means we BDed on O-1 and O-2 days......which according to fertil.ity frie.nd is enough for a "good" chance. not a high chance but we can live with it. Oh, and since I was truly surprised by the eggie, I doubled checked using a clea.r bl.ue eas.y OPK and saw that delightful little smiley face :)

So we did the deed and now J. is gone and I am relaxing this weekend. hair appointment; probably a movie (thinking of He's just not that into you) since J would not want to see that; maybe even a pedicure....make the most of the weekend.

Direction

So I had my appointment today with the RE. He is also the chief RE at a local hospital. He seemed very knowledgable, not super friendly, but as long as he knows what he is doing I felt comfortable with him. He asked a million and 1 questions, and said the words i hate hearing, which is "it is a fertility issue" but he just meant that we have no trouble with fertilization, now we just have to figure out if there are other issues.


so since we are mid cycle, "if we don't get pregnant this cycle" we have a direction and plans for how to proceed. I have to admit, it was really nice hearing that preface before hearing the plan. (on a side note, it was nice going to the fertility center as opposed to the OB office.....everyone was super nice).


so the plan: it isn't probably revolutionary to anyone who researches infertility but it feels good to have this direction.
CD2,3,or 4- extensive blood test. everything from estradiol, FSH, LH, prolactin, TSH, fasting glucose and insulin, CBC....we already had much of the karotyping,lupus and clotting testing done, so I don't need that again.
CD3-8- baseline ultrasound
CD8-12- HSG
so if AF shows, I will be calling to schedule the ultrasound and HSG


once all of that is complete, we will meet for another consult. of course by that time we will be mid cycle again, so "if we don't get pregnant that cycle" we will start with some assisted cycles, he mentioned clomid as a place to start. because by then....i will be offically in.fertile even with my insurance company :)


so here we go, i already have the script for the blood tests, just in case :)

tomorrow

Tomorrow is my appointment with the fertility center and the RE. I researched the doc they gave me and he is the chief RE at the Vir.tua hospital here....sounds like I lucked into a good doc. we'll see tomorrow.


The amazing thing about tomorrows is that there is always hope. I find myself fantasizing that he'll know exactly what to do, and I will be pregnant quickly and this time it will work, we'll have that beautiful baby after the necessary 9 months. or....well, the alternative is too ugly tonight. tonight is about hope and faith. i seem to have some to spare this evening.


wish me luck, i have a feeling we are in for a bumpy ride, but at least the engine starts....tomorrow!

I am back!

Cura.cao was beautiful!! I was able to just relax and not really do much of anything. Unfortunately, I was really bad about running, but I think one week of lax won't be too bad to make up :) J. worked quite a bit, which is good since that is what he was supposed to do. He will be going back in March...and right now we are planning that I will go back too! yay! We were able to go on 3 dives, so that was great. I would have liked to do more.....but J. doesn't love to dive (he does it for me.....i am a lucky girl)

While there, I had good news. I was accepted into the April graduate program so it's official! I will be starting classes in April. Planning on 3 classes to get a jump start, and then probably just one at a time.

It does feel good to be home, and to get back on a normal schedule.....though I can't wait for our next trip. I am a travel junkie.

Ok, I will write more tomorrow.....off to watch the superbowl with J.