RE consult scheduled

The blood work should be in now, and I called to schedule my consult. They asked me who I wanted to see....well since going there, I have met 3 different REs. The original one seemed fine, but didn't feel really comfortable with him. He was the one who started the practice, but no warm fuzzies, no real interest in me. I met another for my HSG. He was awesome, told me what to expect, walked me through everything, rechecked my chart and ordered up a few tests that had not been originally included while waiting for info from my OB. The third was for my baseline US, he was fine, also walked me through what we were seeing on the screen and told me what the next steps were, so not bad 2 of the 3 were awesome. SO, I asked to schedule with MR. HSG, LOL....because of that, I have to wait until next wednesday. There was really no rush since we missed any opportunity to use meds or any ART this cycle. In fact, I should O the day before or the day of my consult. At least I will have a plan if AF shows up. Can't wait to hear what the blood work says and what our plans will be. Note: I am super nervous that my ovarian reserve will be deemed low....even though I have super regular cycles and ovulation, and we have 10 follies with the antral follicle count this month, seems 10 is the cutoff number, oh and the doctor said ovary size was normal.
so, 8 days until consult/ovulation

yesterday

Yesterday marked an important day in my life. It marks the day one year ago that the loss became real. It is the day that my baby was removed from my womb. Up until that day, I experienced every symptom of pregnancy that everyone tells you. Nausea, sore breasts, food cravings, a bit of light headedness....my HCG was 141,000 but my baby boy was gone (we found out from testing that it was a son, my first son). I never bled or cramped or imagined that something would be wrong, but it was, no heartbeat. At 10 weeks we had to have him taken from me. I still believe that my body didn't want to give him up: that he was safe with me. We later found out that he had trisomy 22, like that of downs syndrome but babies with trisomy 22 are not viable, are never born alive. Even now as I type this, my mind goes blank. I don't know what to think or do. I mark this day as an important milestone/passing in my life, but I still don't know how to use it. I have grown and reached a new level of understanding with the universe. Babies are truly miracles, something I knew but now I KNOW. My journey continues; our journey continues...

week full of children

I have been a bad blogger but a good IRL friend to my friends with children :) Here is a picture of them enjoying the jer.sey shore. They live in Oh.io so the beach isn't just around the corner. My friends made the 8 hour drive with 3 children (8, 3, and 1 year old) here for their spring break and stayed 4 nights before heading home. It was a blast and I am so glad that I was able to see them. The hardest part of spending time with families for me is when the parents say something like "boy, after our visit, you'll rethink wanting kids" or something to that effect. I have now heard it more than once....and it hurt. So this time, I responded back with, "well, maybe if we had not experienced 3 losses and still continue to try....maybe we would rethink the situation, but a little crying and fighting probably isn't going to change our mind" I don't like confrontation, but just didn't want to hear that one more time. (this particular friend has said it before) my friend immediately "got it" and apologized, but it amazes me that people think that things like that might make anyone, especially an IFer, who has been through so much, rethink the situation. Beyond that, it was an awesome week. I love love the one year old, such a sweetie, some day we'll have one of our own.

today

So many things to cover today!

~today is cycle day 1....does anyone else find it amazing that once you learn this whole TTC stuff that you know exactly when AF is going to show? (i know some ladies have IR cycles, I am sorry) but for me, once I know that I ovulated, I get 15dpo and then there she is waiting for me. Any way, I called my RE, I have a baseline US scheduled for thursday and will do the cd3 bloodwork as well as my final bloodwork for testing....and then? no idea, guessing that if all goes well, we'll start clomid, hopefully this cycle NOT next.

~ two very special people to me got BFPs the past few days. PAM!! at Blood Signs and my friend Sarah (she doesn't have a blog, but I know her from WTE.....I am so so happy!! They have both been waiting and finally their miracles have happened!

~my friend IRL is coming today with her husband and 3 kids (8, 3 and 1 year old) and I can't wait! We have been friends for a long time, since before husband and kids and she is awesome. she knows we have had losses and are still trying so at least we have that....am I a little jealous of her brood? of course, but only in a healthy happy way LOL.

~I love this community :) to get comments and support is so awesome....what did I do before this? after being gone for the few days it brought a lump to my throat to get all your comments, seriously, I love you guys.

~i haven't forgotten that I owe you picks from cura.cao, but wanted to get this posted, this pic is one from the trip :)

still waiting

I have been quiet, I know. But 2 reasons, first, this waiting for AF to show so we can do the bloodwork and really start to plan, sucks :) and secondly, we've been away. I didn't mention it as I was in a little bit of a funk, reasons to be explained another time, but I am here.

so the wait, so very different as there is no possible way to be pregnant, it is just a wait and see. weird, literally no phantom symptoms, no cramps, (bbs are sore, but that is every month now) just kind of peaceful, knowing she should be here by tuesday.

We have been away in cura.cao where J. goes for work, and it is nice to just relax and do nothing, not even worry about TTC....well, does that ever truly go away? I will try and post some pics soon, there are some lovely aspects of the island.

And, I participated last month in ICLW and loved it....didn't this month as I have friends arriving soon (with 3 kids) so we'll be busy and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up....but I wish I would have. ah, well....there is always next month (spoken like a true IFer)

first blush

Today while driving through new jersey, I noticed a wonderful thing. The trees are beginning to get their first blush of buds. I love when the tips of the trees get that reddish tinge, reminding us that spring is near and that growth happens year after year, regardless of our age or our troubles. I hope this spring is one of growth for me.

geez

So, according to my fertility monitor I ovulated yesterday. And as I had planned not to try....we didn't. But wouldn't you know, yesterday morning J. wakes up and tries to initiate BDing....why doesn't that happen spontanteously when we are trying. And no J. isn't kept totally apprised as to my cycle because sometimes that stresses him out too much and thus I keep him in the dark LOL. so I told him that it would be a perfect day IF we were trying, but since we weren't and we aren't really into condoms, we'll have to wait a couple of days. He is okay with it, and laughed but geez....I was already regretting my decision not to try, and having to tell him "no" was sucky...part of me thought "maybe this is fate" but I don't believe in fate, fate wouldn't give me 3 mcs.

So now that the window has closed this month, the TWW seems so simple. no POAS this month :)

oh, oh ...an edit, in addition I O'd on CD15, which is early....well in October and November I O'd on CD17, in December on CD16 and in January and February on CD15....could it be that my cycle is finally going back to the length it used to be? 30 days instead of 32? that would make me happy!!

catching up

I received this award from Nic at Trying for a baby Thank you for the sweet words!



Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to..."These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

1. Eden at Life ... it's nothing like the brochure
2. Danifred at Sippy cups are not for Starbucks
3. Bluebird at Little bluebirds fly
4. gallerygirl at Cheaper Than Therapy
5. wordgirl at Blood Signs
6. T at To A T
7. SS at Still no Explanation
8. Celia at Beauty for Pain
9. Erica at Learning to Accept My Infertility

Honestly, all the lovely blogs I read deserve this award. The fact that everyone is here, sharing their stories moves me to tears, often....damn hormones :)

check another thing off

So, the HSG appointment was today. I took 600mg of ibuprofen as recommended by many of you ladies, and also highly recommended by the office. When I arrived there, both the nurse and the doctor checked to see if I had followed directions.

First, the doctor actually read my chart before coming into the xray room....wow, he was familiar with my RPL and what tests I have had done, and the fact that the perinatologist (different practice) had omitted a couple of tests, so he said he would give me another lab slip to add to the previous one. I was going to ask if they had received all my info from the other offices...but he was one up on me!

Then the procedure, they were both super and made me feel relaxed. I should preface with, I never have any issues with exams or paps, no pain etc. So the insertion of the spec.ulum was easy, and inserting the catheter to inject the dye was painless too...wow, i was surprised. He started injecting the dye, all was well. He said my ute.rus was perfect :) and we watched the dye quickly spill out of the right tube (within seconds)! then we watched the left, it didn't spill out right away, so as you know, they keep adding dye. At this point it was pretty painful. I had zero pain until then....I just keep breathing and he kept talking. Finally it spilled out. He said it appeared to have some blockage, but not to worry it only takes one tube, and the fact that the dye did spill out means, eggs could go through the tube. perhaps the dye cleared some minor blockage. Oh, and it was truly cool to see on the 2 big flat screens that they have there.

I am happy that he was more than satisfied with my ute.rus, he said no scarring, no fibr.oids, nice shape, so that was not causing the mcs.
I am satisfied with the tubes, since I have gotten 3 BFPs....I think the eggs are making it to where they need to go.

Next steps:
~ I made a decision today. While I have not been told to suspend TTC until after the final bloodwork and US, I have decided that I will. Hear me out: I am really curious as to my FSH and ovarian reserve, also there are a couple of clotting tests that the previous doctors didn't run. If a miracle happened (believe me, I know it is a miracle) and I got a BFP, I wouldn't get to learn my ovarian reserve. I guess I am curious as to what it is and how long I have in the game. Because, maybe someday, we will want more than one, and at least I will know what my levels are now, to compare in the future...if need be. It will only mean waiting this one cycle, technically at this point about 3 weeks....so because of the silly insurance nonsense, I will wait.
~ that means CD3 blood work around march 25 and then a baseline US between CD3-8.....hopefully everything will come back quickly and we can create a plan, which according to the first visit would be a to start clomid.

So I learned:
~it wasn't so bad....for a brief moment it was painful but I have a tendency to quickly forget pain
~I must be learning patience to be waiting on my own without being told.
~the ute.rus is tiny....that was amazing.

I know it is too soon

BUT...
let me back up a little. When J. and I met almost exactly 4 years ago, we immediately clicked. It was almost an audible sound, that click. Perhaps because I am AMA and he is APA (advanced paternal age, i am not sure if there is a term for men, but i will make it up) (btw....when we have our children perhaps instead of mom and dad, the child can call us ama and apa?) but i digress.....perhaps because we are older and wiser, and a bit jaded, we realized that things were moving fast, after all is there really such a thing as love at first sight? Within a week, I was having strong feelings that he might be the one. J. was having the same feelings though we had not specifically discussed. We hinted around enough to know it was mutual, and ended up delaring that "I think I am falling in love with you" within the first weeks....here we are 4 years later and I am positive he is everything I could have wished for from my husband.

So, where am I going with this? Well, as you know I had to cancel my HSG yesterday because of the snow storm. I am on CD10 today and as all of us know there are not many days during a cycle that HSGs can be scheduled....so the lovely Tina from the RE's office calls me today and says, "you know we don't have much time this cycle (here it comes, i am going to have to wait, i hear in my head) so can you come in tomorrow for the procedure?" I think I am falling in love with my RE's office.


My appointment is tomorrow 1pm. :)

up and down

I am having an up and down day today!

Up:
~it snowed 10 inches here on the shore and it is beautiful!
~J. has a snow day from work so I get another full day with him
~it is nice and cozy, power is working and the internet connection is on
~we have a fire, food and each other
~I am officially in.fert.ile as of today with my insurance company, and our insurance does cover infer.tility

Down:
~today was supposed to be my HSG....hoping beyond hope that they can squeeze me in this week or I will have to wait another cycle. this is my punishment for being so mad at the insurance company last week (i don't believe that)....won't know until tomorrow if they will be able to
~I am officially in.ferti.le according to my insurance company as of today