So, can we do it again?!

Today was my second follow up US and b/w monitoring. It is CD 7, and I have done 5 days of stims. From everything I have read on the internet, follies grow 1-2 mm per day, so since it has been only 2 days from my last US, I was expecting maybe 12mm, and that is assuming the higher rate of growth. SO imagine my surprise when all was said and done and we have 1x17, 2x16 and atleast 3x8 and lining is acceptable at 8.....wow, that is some growth since the last check and there were 4x8 and a bunch of smaller ones. So, because of my fabulous response, remember I am just on CD7, I get the lucky ticket to ride the ride again tomorrow....yes that is right, 2 days in a row. I also get to add a third shot tonight, ganirelix along with my 75units of follistim and 75units of menopur, which i think suppresses the body's natural surge so I don't accidentally O.

Things that are stuck in my head,
1. the fact that the RE (oh, in my RE's office, the REs do the US so you get the results right away, it rocks) said, well can you come back tomorrow, we want to make sure that you don't get away from us.
2. before that he said, we'll probably do insemination on Monday (WOW, that would be CD11, which is crazy for me since I O anywhere from 15-17 on my own, that is like knocking a whole week off my cycle! yay! oh and he said, you should "have relations" with your husband tomorrow night....hehe, what an old fashioned wording. but that was all before he decided that i might get away from them....
3. monday is great for insemination, but sunday would be disastrous....the in-laws are staying with us and they are not aware of our efforts....how do we explain an early doctors appointment on sunday...for both of us, while they are visiting....well we'll know more tomorrow so I am trying not to obsess, since it won't change things. and tomorrow will be here so quickly that i won't have time to go crazy :)
4. some how I got 5 doses of 75units out of a 300unit vial....how does that work? nurses, doctors, I know my nurse at the RE siad they overfill....but do they typically overfill that much?
5. now I have a nice bruise on my belly and 3 bruises on my arms....guess it is a long sleeve weekend with the in-laws :)

tune in tomorrow to hear whether I get to do it again??....oh, unless I hear something from the office regarding my bloodwork today. They only call if there is an issue, if so I will report back.

Can we do it again?

I remember going to the state fair every year when I was little, and after every ride, I would ask the question....can we do it again? and I would ask and ride until they (whoever, mom, aunt, dad) said NO!

This morning I had my first monitoring b/w and US (cycle day 5) and we saw 3 follies around 7-8 on the right and I think 1 follie on the left same size....other little ones that the RE didn't measure since we are looking for quality not quantity.... no octomom here. So I am to continue with the same 75units of foliistim and 75 units of menopur (unless they call and change it based on b/w) and go back for another set of b/w and US on thursday.....can we do it again?

please remain seated

so, last night was my first round of injections. Since I am taking both follistim and menopur, that means two shots every night....until we add ganirelix and it becomes 3 shots. Overall, I have to say, thinking about the shots is way way worse than the actual shot. If I just do it, it wasn't bad at all, but if I stand there thinking about it, then not so much fun. I imagine in a few days, it will seem like second nature, but really hoping that it doesn't become a monthly thing.

in another hour round two of the injections :)

You must be this tall to ride this ride

This morning, when I would have liked to be sleeping in, instead I went to the REs office where I had a nice visit with wanda, she and the RE saw 9 little follicles quickly waiting to be stimmed. Also gave a nice nurse a sample of my blood, and then to the injection class. well, i watched the videos, yes once again i am a nerd, always the overachiever. and let's just say, i didn't learn anything new, but that's ok. She also reminded me that she would call me later in the day to let me know the bloodwork results. Oh yeah....i almost forgot that, there is that little matter of bloodwork to make sure we can start the stims. This REs office won't do a medicated cycle if FSH is too high. So my last FSH was 9.3 so the nurse said don't worry....but worry is what I do, pretty well, thank you very much :) but she is so sweet, she said don't worry I will call with results, and sure enough she called me by 11:15 and said you are good to start injections tonight. of course, i asked FSH....6.6 this month (forgot to ask estradiol, but it was good to go too) so yay! we get to start the injections tonight. I will post about that tomorrow!

Enjoy the spring (summer?) like weather on the East Coast if you are nearby....because it's beautiful today.

The ride starts now

So, as I expected, AF showed up bright and early this morning. I am hoping that this is the last I see of her for a long long time, and that a baby comes during that time. I called the RE's office and let them know of cycle day 1. The wonderful nurse called me back within 30 minutes to find out my availability and how long the drive was to help her schedule my b/w and US and injection training. now that was thoughtful! So I go in tomorrow around 8am, for US b/w and the injection Q&A. I told her I had watched the videos and that though nervous about the first shot, I thought I could handle it. She seemed surprised that I had watched them, and congratulated me for doing it....well, i don't go around injecting myself all the time, so I figured the more I knew, the better I would be. I don't know what the protocol will be, but guessing they will tell me when I am there. weeeeeeeee! here we go!

Favs and Google

I am sure many of you out there in blogland are familar with Murgdan over at Conceive This! If not, you really should go over and check her out. That blog is one of my favs. Well, I took her recent suggestion to set up a google analytics account for my blog. She has this regular feature where she discusses the google searches that lead to her blog....amazingly, I did it right! and started to get results. Honestly nothing too exciting, pretty expected, miscarriage searches along with some dpo searches etc...but just recently I found this:

"can you get pregnant from a sock?"

Wow, now I am not sure what type of sock they might be referring to, a kneesock? anklet? old fashioned tube style? hmmmm...and we won't even start with what exactly what they were doing with that sock!
I am sure that every IF lady who participated in the Sock it To Me Exchange popped up in that unfortunate person's search....and I am sure none of our blogs helped her/him.

So just a chuckle for the day!

*still waiting for AF, come on already

Required Post :)

So the injectables have arrived. We are doing injectables and IUI next cycle. I received follistim, ganirelix, and menopur. which makes more sense, than what I originally heard the pharamacist say! So I will get the protocol after my cycle 3 b/w and US....just waiting for cycle day 1. I tested this morning, just to make sure I wasn't being too pessimistic, today is 14dpo, and BFN. AF is due on Friday, I think she may decide to show tomorrow, which would make me really happy, just to move on to the next step.


On a similar note, the RE called with J.s SA results. Let's just say he is super proud of himself. Not that he (or any man) has control over the results. We are good to go. Actually the analyst said that IUI would be good, because she saw some Sperm agglutination. Based on my research, it is a little like a sperm traffic jam, and the sperm, as we know don't ask for directions! By placing the sperm directly in the uterus, potential problem solved. She said she does typically see that when the sample has over 100 million sperm, and J's sample had 112 million. That's a lot of sperm. Otherwise, she said everything was normal and even that one thing fell within the normal range.

So, as with all things TTC....now we wait.

Welcome ICLW April Edition!

Just a quick note to say Welcome to everyone visiting for ICLW! This is my second time participating, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself the first time! I thought I would do a quick update to my story to bring everyone up to date.

My husband J. and I met late, got engaged after 6 months, and married after 19 months. One day in January 2008, I told J. if we were really going to have children, we better get started because I was going to be turning 39 that year. So we did, and less than a month later we had the pleasure of seeing a BFP! WOW! we were so excited. Everything seemed perfect. We went for an US at 9 weeks, and thats when things started down the wrong path. Eventually it was discovered that the baby had tris.omy 22 and I had to have a D&E at 10.5 weeks. We then managed to get pregnant 2 more times in 7 months but MCC early both times. Since then (now over 9 months) we haven't been able to get PG again.

I am currently wwaiting for AF to arrive, or a positive spin would be waiting for a BFP, but I am sure that it is not happening this month, despite our trying like crazy. AF is due during ICLW so it is during this week that I will get to start my first cycle of injectables and IUI....yes, you too can sufffer through my first round of sticking myself. I have a great group of REs at the fertility center that I have been going to since February. They have done every test under the sun for the MCs, and have found that both J. and I are perfectly normal. The injectables will just give my older ovaries a kick in the hopes that they will release at least one healthy egg to be fertilized!

Thank you again to all the ICLW readers! and for my old friends, I thought I would change the look of my blog for this new adventure (i know the old one could be hard to read at times, though I did love the color)


and it's not too late to join ICLW (tuesday is the last day).....click the link in the side bar or here to go over a sign yourself up. It's fun, and heartwarming to meet others in the IF community.

Have a great week.

when does the ride start?

So this past weekend, J.s sister, husband and two girls came to visit us on the shore. Unfortunately, J. left for a work trip to Cura.cao early Saturday morning so he didn't get to spend very much time with them. We had a great time though. We did the shore, the boardwalk, and ate tons of bad food like pizza, hot dogs, ice cream. The girls had a blast. The photo is of the oldest, she's 4. and she loved the rides. You can see the excitement in her face....that's how I feel about this first cycle of meds and IUI.....like we are going on an exciting ride....remind me of this when the hormones kick in and the ups and downs start...T minus 4 days.

Second call

The pharmacy called me today with the second part of my meds for the next cycle, my first cycle of injectables and IUI. So I am receiving gonal f, follistim, and menopur. Anyone have any advice? does this sound normal for an IUI cycle? I will get more information when I call to report cycle day 1, and go in for the US and b/w, but just curious as to what I might expect.

Another J. story: so he had the SA on Monday. The doctor wasn't worried since we have been PG 3X but to do IUI, they like to know what they might expect when the time comes :) so I called and got the appointment for him for last Monday. I asked him if he was nervous, or if it bothered him at all, he said no. That with all I had been through it only seemed fair. I said I thought there was a difference between the two, and that his seemed difficult because he had to perform per se....he said he was fine. So about 5 minutes before we have to leave for the 45 minute drive (of course the close office had no openings) he goes to do the deed. 10 minutes later he comes out and says this isn't working, i can tell he is frustrated. I say, no problem, let's just go to the office, they have a room and reading material, honestly at this point I am not stressed (not sure why not, but i wasn't) he decides to go upstairs. I am not sure what he is doing, so I go sit in the car, I figure he is grabbing his coat and we'll leave. Instead, he jumps in the car 5 minutes later smiling, guess it worked out. LOL. So we cruise to the office and arrive just a few minutes late (thank god for good traffic) and he goes in to drop it off. He returns and tells me that the results will be ready in 7-10 days and they probably wouldn't call unless there was a problem. He told them to call me. he-he So that was that, or so I thought. On wednesday, he asks me if the doctor called. At this point, I am thinking for what? so I ask. He said about the test? hmmm...i thought they wouldn't call unless there was a problem and the results would take at least a week.....guess he was nervous after all. I told him, no no one called, I think we are fine :) makes me feel better, that he is normal, normal people worry.

I must say, I am getting nervous about this cycle, like maybe i don't want a BFP, because what if the worst happens again, and then the injectable cycle will be delayed....I know silly, crazy hormones. Honestly, I just want a healthy baby, whether it comes naturally or with the help of meds....i don't care, just a healthy baby, please.

So we begin to begin

Today I received the first call from my insurance company's specialized pharmacy. The pharmacist was calling because they are compounding the progesterone suppositories that I will use after the IUI, and she needed to know my cycle information so that the progesterone is on time, and fresh, since the pharmacy actually compounds it for each order individually. She said the other part of the pharmacy would be calling me tomorrow to schedule the delivery of the rest of the meds.

It seems so strange to be preparing for the next cycle, while only 7 days past ovulation....I know that it is critical that the meds are here for the beginning of my cycle and that is how the insurance systems work....but still feels odd, like there is no hope for this cycle. But exciting, I can't wait to get this rolling, these losses have been so hard on me and J.

speaking of J. I often wonder how men think and process this journey. This week we have been talking about the chances of having multiples. J again said that he was willing to take the risk, I asked if he was worried or nervous about that. He said no, he knew that we would be careful. I asked how he felt about it, he said that he thought that it sounded romantic, having multiples....when i got clarity, i realized that he thought it would be a fantasy come true....i guess the boys have fantasies too :) The other thing he asked was when we were looking at the apartment we'll be renting after our house is sold, and it is on the 3rd floor, he asked how hard it would be when i was pregnant.....such a sweetie. I am lucky.

So I Said it

Sorry to be away for so long, but with Easter and all....time got away from me.

Last week, I had a dentist appointment, just my semi-annual cleaning. no biggie. They want to do another set of x-rays, since I was 2 days after ovulation, I said go for it, that way I don't have to worry about it for another year or so. So the hygienist is doing the right thing, and going through my file prior to starting her work and she comes across a letter from my OB. The letter was written when I was pregnant the first time and had to have some work down. It requested a special anesthesia and to be double shielded if x-rays were needed. So she asks, are you pregnant, and I say no, that was previously. She says ok, and keeps looking through the file. Note~the letter does have a date and there are additional notes in my file about fertility treatments. She then says, how many kids do you have? hmmm....obviously she is a skimmer. I say none. She then goes on to say, well you said you were pregnant. WHAT!??? seriously, she is questioning me? So I say "I WAS" then I add "more than once" She said oh, I understand my sister lost a lot of pregnancies and she is currently 6 months pregnant and it is looking good. I said "she is extremely lucky" and finally she stopped and we moved on to the cleaning.

Then, after the cleaning my doctor comes in to check and say I need a filling, we schedule it for Tuesday....today I go in, and I am sitting in the waiting room, listening to the office manager go on about her pregnancy, she is 5 months...because she is AMA like me, I forgive her loud talking and tell her congratulations on my way out.

whew, you can't get away from it, but I know I would never ask the questions that the hygienist asked.....especially if i had a sister who went through it. Oh, well I am proud that I at least made her stop and think a little, and I was sincerely happy for the AMA preggo. Another day, another TTC story.

skipping c.l.o.m.i.d

Final RE consult: check

I met with the RE today. It started out rocky as the doctor didn't think I had done all the bloodwork that was required....but the fact was an offsite company (one that begins with a Q) did not send them the results as they should have. So the office called and got the results and all would have been fine, but the lab "forgot" to run the estradiol....and because they forgot to send the results, it has been over a week since the tests...and they discard the blood after a week, so we'll never know my estradiol for that cycle. ANY WAY....

All results were normal :) no issues to deal with, and my FSH was 9.3, which at 39 I am pretty happy with for this month.

Then the lovely DR V says, so you are going to be hitting the big 4-0 in two months....whoa?? what?! and then i do the math....Alas, he is right. He asks if I would like to be more aggressive in this endeavor to be PG. hell yeah! SO he goes through the sad clo.mid number for my age 8% chance....heck, on my own my chance is 5% that doesn't seem worth it. His remedy of choice for me is to go straight to injectibles and IUI....starting next cycle (of course, unless we get a BFP this cycle) little nervous about the injections since i am not in the health care field, but heck the whole IF journey has made me relatively at ease around the needles, I am sure I can handle this.

regarding this cycle, I got a +OPK on monday, and peak on the monitor yesterday and today, so I either O'd yesterday or today so we'll know one way or another in about 2 weeks....kind of makes the wait a little more bearable as, if AF shows we are off to the races. (oh, with the injectibles, there is a 25% chance of twins....J and I are in agreement, we can do this)

Sock it to Me

Recently a wonderful blogger that I read, came up with the idea of "Sock it to Me"; the idea behind it simply stated is that the IF blogging community is as caring and comfortable as a warm and fuzzy pair of sock. She states it beautifully on her blog. So she willing and happily paired us all up to exchange socks!
My Sock buddy who sent me my gorgeous socks is The Angry Infertile. I can certainly relate to her rants on IF....often she says exactly how I am feeling. So check her out!

and here is a picture of my socks!



What I especially like is that they don't match....a little bit like me :)

This community has brought me a sense of belonging that I haven't ever felt in my life. And that is not an exaggeration...in my life. I am not sure what I expected when I started blogging, little I think. And then I got my first follower....and then another. And suddenly I had a whole cheering section that would celebrate when things are positive (not that kind of positive yet) and commiserate with me when I am down. My fellow IFers know what to say....and what not to say, sadly because of their experiences. But this too provides a new level of understanding. I know why my blogger friends don't get all pumped up every TWW; they have experienced the pain of failure and heartbreak. They know why I, while trying to remain positive, steel my heart every cycle in preparation of a BFN. When I try and imagine life without the blogging community...I can't; and that I think says it all. I travel with each of you, to your appointments, your work, your family gatherings. I cry with every hurt; I celebrate every success, be it baby related or not. Thank you for allowing me into your lives. Thank you for caring about mine.

Last chance

Today I got the first high reading on the fert.ility monitor. Usually I get 2-4 high days before the 2 peak days indicating ovulation. So as J. is arriving home from his business trip tonight, the timing is perfect to start our BDing. Additionally it is looking more and more like ovulation will occur the day before or the day of my RE consult as expected. So I am standing on the edge of a precipice....if this cycle doesn't work, we begin the fertility treatments in earnest. I know lots of people take clom.id without seeing an RE, my OB/GYN was not the type to suggest that without outside consult, which is probably for the best. But this cycle marks our last chance to get our BFP on our own. Should I feel sad about this? part of me is feeling a loss, another loss of innocence. Even with my 3 MCs, my doctor was always "sure" that within a year I would have my baby, we just got PG too easily for IF to apply to me....well, apply it does. I have lost the ability to believe in my body to give me, to give us, what we want so desperately....but we have this "last chance"; my body can still come through....but I don't really believe it will happen. Of course, we are trying :) but I fully expect to be onto our plan next month, we'll know in about 18 days or so....remember, I have that 15 day LP :)

It was not despair; but it seemed to her as if life were passing by, leaving its promise broken and unfulfilled.
Kate Chopin (1851-1904)


That is the random quote at the bottom of my blog today....some how, it fits. It sounds melancholy, but yet as she said, it is not despair.


It is a grey picture but here is a pic of the tree in front of our house with it's buds. Note, the bird feeder is empty....the birds are crazy around here. When we fill it, and it holds a lot...it is empty by the end of the day. crazy, greedy birds :)
These grey spring days are days of reflection for me. While they are not the depressing days of winter, they are grey and wet yet hold the promise of flowers and spring....like the promise of a new cycle.

award!

I have been given an award from Ella at Baby Love, she is a fellow infert.ile and best of all, newly preggo! Thanks Ella!
The specifics behind this award are that it goes to those bloggers who show great attitude :)

1. Put the Lemonade Award logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
3. Link to your nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received your award

I'm passing on the Lemonade Award to.....

1. Mimi
2. Nic
3. Katie
4. Mrs. Gamgee
5. Scrambled Egg

I know I have given this award to others in the past....but truly if you are reading my blog, I am reading your blog and that is because I love your atttitude....be it positive and sweet, sarcastic and bitter....I can identify with all :) and so if you're on my blogroll....you deserve this award :)