the wait starts now

Yesterday was our IUI, and boy was the REs office busy. There must have been something in the air around here because everyone was there for IUI, and IVF procedures....I had to wait! But all is well :) sometimes good things come to those who wait right? I know all my IF friends know this!

So as you know from last post, we had 5 follicles mature and waiting to ovulate. We triggered Thursday night, did some BDing of our own that night and then went for the IUI on Saturday morning. J. dropped off his swimmers at 8am. By the time I was seen it was 10:15 (my appointment was for 9:25) but my favorite RE (Dr.V for Erica) was there and quite busy. He said that J. wins another prize for his swimmers. He had 32.3 million with 92% motility after the spermwashing. OF course this is lower than last month (66million) but still tops for the day! J. was disappointed (got to love boys) but I reminded him that last month he had 48 hours in between, while this month he had 36 hours....that makes a difference. Plus I told him the RE was very impressed. And that they like to see more 10million, are happy with 20 million and he was way above that. From all of my research, there is no statistical increase in pregnancy rates when counts are above 20 million, so we are at the top bracket in that sense.

So today is 1dpiui, and I start progesterone suppositories on Tuesday (3dpiui) eewww... but for me much preferred to the PIO injections. Those things scare me, but assuming that if I had to, I would be able to handle it. After the suppositories, the next step is an US and b/w on Friday to check for OHSS and to make sure I ovulated.

I was nervous about OHSS a little because I knew my E2 level was 949 the last time they told me, and that was 3 days before trigger. I had pretty severe ovulation pain yesterday, so I am 99% sure that I ovulated yesterday not Friday or today Sunday. Normally I do feel ovulation but this time....it felt like 5 times as bad, surprise surprise :) I was so uncomfortable all day. I couldn't put any pressure on my pelvis and I was getting really nervous....but I woke up this morning and feel normal so all those follies must have released.

Now, we just need those 32million swimmers to find those 5 eggies, then if 1 or 2 of the best eggs would implant we would be so very happy. Fingers crossed as we wait.

Tonight- trigger night

I had another US and b/w appointment this morning, brought about by my E2 of 949. Office was as efficient as usual, in and out in 25 minutes, but just so you know it is a real office, today when she drew my blood, my vein rolled so she had to dig around, ouchie!

I didn't even get to sit down in the inner waiting room, but went straight into the US room from the blood draw. Today was Dr.P, a nice way to come full circle as he did my day 2 US too. So he was pretty busy counting and measuring follies too! First the lining- measured an 11. Yay. And then the counting, honestly again just too many for me to keep the numbers in my head. When he finished, he asked me to sit up and he reviewed them with me. As he looked through the list he circled those that he thought would trigger, 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5....wow 5 mature follies that he said looked really good (even crazier was the fact that he probably measured about 9 others that were 10mm or larger, we had a good cycle of eggs). He then went into the dangers of OHSS and multiple births. And then said, I am assuming you want to move forward and trigger :) LOL. I said I felt based on my age, the danger was acceptable. He agreed. He said if I was 5 or 6 years younger with different history he would not recommend triggering but as it is, he thought we should. J and I discussed this last night and I said I thought there might be 5 follies, weird that I was right. J and I agreed to move forward, after all last cycle we had 3 and didn't catch one, and the 3 that we caught (in 3 separate months) were all bad. all in all seems like we might have a chance of a good one, but time will tell.

So trigger tonight at 9pm, then glorious no injections tomorrow. And IUI at 9am on Saturday (i think with my favorite RE)....then J leaves for a trip to Miami on Sunday morning....good timing eh?

Getting closer

So this post has already changed before I started it!

I had another set of US and b/w this morning! I arrived at 7:45 and was back having blood drawn as usual within 5 minutes. Then in another 5 minutes I was in the US room, and 2 minutes later being seen. Oh, I probably didn't mention that there are no scheduled appointments for the cycle b/w and US, you are just told to show up any time between 7:15 and 8:30....isn't that amazing? And no matter when I show up and how many ladies are there, I am in and out in 25 minutes, and you don't feel rushed be the REs.

I digress....
This morning I had a little shock, I was told in the exam room that I would be seen by the NP. The NP? I didn't even know that there was one, you see in all my many visits I had always seen a RE, for every monitoring US, the 21 day US...all of them. No worries, but I was just surprised. The NP came in and got to work, she was good. She probably measured more than the REs ever do, but because of this, I can't even tell you how many follies or the exact sizes...she was thorough. I know my lining was 10.5 which is great! and the largest follie was 17, and there were probably a total of 12 (yes 12) follies measuring over 10! I think 3 others were in the 14 range. wow. She said, wow you have a lot of follicles, I said "pretty good for a week(ish) until I turn 40?" She said, you don't stim like you are 40. I think referring to my relatively low doses of follistim and menopur. so that made me smile. She then said she thought we would stim 2 more days and come back on Friday. I was surprised and said ok, if we do that when would we trigger, she said Friday morning with a Saturday IUI. hmmmm...didn't sound right but ok. She said they would review my bloodwork and call if there were any changes.

Phone rings: 11:00am, bloodwork is back, come in tomorrow for another US and b/w. I asked if everything was ok, yes, we just may move up the trigger. I asked for my results. E2- 949 and LH- .5 (I am on ganirelix to suppress LH) So it seems that my follies are making lots of estrogen which means we should have some mature ones in there.....we'll see tomorrow! I am guessing a thursday night trigger with IUI on saturday morning.

**update** I do not want higher order mul.tiples so please understand, we will be watching this closely, at 40, with my history, the chances of HO mult.iples is low, but we will be careful, promise!

so lucky

Some days we all feel better or worse, some times for reasons not well understood, other times we know exactly why. The other day I had a wonderful day. The kind of day that makes everything better. I was driving and just thinking about how lucky I am. I met J. when I was 36, rather late in life. Prior to that, I dated a number of men who were definitely not the one. and one or two who had promise. But when I think what might have happened had I not ended up with J. I can't even imagine. He is so wonderful.

From supporting me through a rough rough couple of years, to recommending that I finally leave that job that was making me physically sick from stress. He has been my biggest fan, telling everyone how great I am. Now I am working on my master's and he is still so wonderful. I have always defined myself by what I have done. I worked for the same company for 17 years and worked my way up to Regional Manager, I oversaw as many as 75 retail stores, and 6 district managers, but now I run the house and study.

The other night, I went to bed earlier than him (nothing new there). And at some point, he comes to bed and wakes me up. He says "I just want you to know that I am so lucky to have you. I know and appreciate everything you do around the house to make our lives run smoothly" Wow, I went from career woman bringing home a great salary, to a very very happy woman, appreciated by her husband. i like this new definition too.

well?

I went to the REs office today, and for a holiday it was packed! but they were as efficient as usual and I was in and out in probably 15-20 minutes. The best nurse did the draw, honestly she does every draw :) and she uses a butterfly needle so I don't bruise too much. and then on to the US. The RE measured and saw 1x15 and 2x14 on the right and then 1x12, 2x11 on the left, there were others that were smaller but those were the ones he wrote down. He then told me to add ganirelix to my meds and up the menopur. He said everything was looking good. Then once they saw my bloodwork results, they called and repeated to add the ganirelix, but don't increase the menopur, I am guessing that maybe my E2 or LH is rising and they don't want to hyperstim? any ideas ladies? I go back on Wednesday for another US and b/w and I am hoping that we will trigger that night. We had 3 measurable follies last time, I am hoping that we end up with 3-4 this time.

round 2

I went to the RE yesterday and had my second US and b/w for this cycle. I saw my favorite of the four REs so that made me happy. We saw about 6 follies on the right, the largest was 8mm and 5 on the left with the largest being 7mm. The cyst has gotten slightly smaller. He noted that I had a great supply of eggs (more than lsat cycle) which at less than a month until my 40th birthday (yes i am dwelling) so that made me happy. He also noted that the follies were developing slower than last month, which based on the fact that the other RE reduced my follistim, to slow me down, I am not surprised. So Dr. V increased my follistim to 100 units for 3 days along with the 75 menopur....and another US and b/w on Monday (a holiday, i love my office). My guess at that point we'll be able to schedule approx when we'll trigger and do the IUI. I think probably trigger wed/thu, with IUI fri/sat....but time will tell.

happy memorial day everyone!

Welcome ICLW- Alphabet Soup

I can't believe that it is ICLW already! This month went quick. THe past few months I saw a few Alphabet Soup postings....and thought I might join it, so here it is.
I love ICLW as I find new blogs to follow and new friends :)

A- Asbury Park, our new home! We just recently moved here from living in South Jersey by Philadelphia. We are loving it!

B- bread pudding....J.s favorite dessert. the place he loves it? the des.mond hotel.

C- coffee, something I love, now trying to love... see next letter

D- decaf, *sigh* my new best friend

E- effort, the unbelievable effort that all my bloggy friends give towards TTC

F- follistim, love that pen, they should put all the stims in it.

G- grandpa and grandma, I really miss mine.

H- hope, this is truly what keeps me going

I- what a letter, IUI? Injectables?....this is our current letter

J- my wonderful husband who is a great support and a great sport :)

K- karma I really believe that what we put out there comes back to us. Now, that is not to say that all of the pain and sudffering of IF is something else coming back.....we just drew the short IF straw, but in terms of doing the right thing and being "nice" I do my very best. doesn't always work, but getting better.

L- love have I said this before? I love my husband. he is my split-apart.

M- miscarriages, I have had 3, would like that number to never change again.

N- nails, my suck. seriously, i never get manicures, though I do pedicures....my fingernails make them shake their heads.

O- the big O used to be orgasm....now it is as we all know ovulation

P- partner, my husband is truly my partner and I love him with all my heart.

Q- quiet mornings on the beach, heaven.

R- ready for a sticky BFP, soon please

S- second IUI, hoping it is the magical one

T- travel, J and I love it! next big trip Ireland in Spetember, but there are other smaller trips before that.

U- unreal, how I feel about this whole process.....I gave myself 2 injections in the car while J. was driving us home from a family event last night. unbelievable!

V- vitamins, the prenatal sort....been taking them for so long....explains my constant need to dye my hair.

W- work, I am not doing it right now....taking a much needed break after 17 years at one company. Working on my master's.

X- xpress train to NYC....love it when I go. the city and the beach, what more could you need?

Y- young! In June I will be 40 years young, yikes! trying to get my head around that.

Z- zzzzzzz...this morning J. got up and went for a run, and I didn't even move. He said I was out cold...usually I am up before him.

touched and giddy

I first wanted to say a sincere thank you to all of my bloggy friends out there who were so wonderful during the past few days....well honestly, always but the past few days meant a lot to me. Some days when things are tough, just hearing from someone who has been there, or is currently there, makes all the difference. so, thanks!

And as for giddy....weird how whacked out we get during the whole TTC train. So today is cycle day 2, and the biggest worry is that you'll go in and they will say, sorry you have to sit this cycle out because, you're levels are wrong, you have a cyst, your....insert phrase here. So I am always freaked a bit. So today, lining was thinning as normal, right ovary, 9 little follicles starting....sounds good. Left ovary....hmmmm....big cyst, RE says, we don't worry about cysts unless your estradiol level is high indicating that it is still active, and 5 small follicles starting. So not terrible, better start on follicles, but 1 big cyst. I am given my instructions but told that I must wait until they do they blood work to get the official start. ugh. I treat myself to a cinnabon on the way home, because, well....i don't want the whole trip to be a bust!

I get home, receive all the calls from the pharmacy about delivering meds....that I may or may not need. And wait for my call. expecting the call sometime after noon. Imagine my surprise when the phone rings at 10:45am....oh, this is probably not good. But again to my surprise, the nurse says levels look good, we can begin the cycle. I ask, what are my levels? FSH-7.1, E2-22 and LH-2.7! Can you say giddy? I actually clapped my hands LOL. Funny how quickly I went from the sadness of having to start a new cycle, to the happiness that are levels good enough to start the cycle. But since my 40th birthday will be here before the end of this cycle....I am just happy to have great levels. (somewhere along this cycle, the reality is going to hit) But for today, I feel great.

So we begin again

Today, two days early we begin a new cycle. Oh, and the nurse said
that it is typical after a cycle on injections....now they tell me.

So going to the RE tomorrow...hoping all is well and we can begin
injections. Yes that is right, hoping for injections :) my how times
have changed.

Sent from my iPhone

BFN

So, for those of you eagerly waiting....BFN. I still don't have
Internet for my computer so sending from my phone. I know it is still
possible as I am 12dpiui...but I am thinking we will soon be on to IUI
#2. That makes me sad and I know J will be disappointed.
ugh! This sucks. not looking forward to more injections.

Sent from my iPhone

waiting waiting waiting

So, we are currently in the middle of a move. We finally sold our townhouse (don't congratulate us, congratulate the buyer) so that is one thing done. We really needed to because of J.'s job change way back in August. And we are moving out of the temporary house we had right on the shore. So out of two places, and into a condo we are renting. It is 2 blocks from the beach so we are happy, and it is really nice. We decided not to buy because we aren't sure what is going on with J's new company and we don't want to be in the same position in another year. So I am without internet until monday....which is probably a good thing. I can use my iphone, but it is a challenge to read and post, but i will be following up on many of you especially newly preggos and anyone sharing my TWW ...and of course I will post if something miraculous happens!

My TWW is moving right along probably because I have been so busy and so tired that I don't even think about testing first thing, and then it is too late. I don't want to see a BFN just because I didn't use FMU plus it is still early. I am currently 10dpiui and thinking of testing Saturday. That will be 14 days after trigger shot, so no worries about false positives, and 12dpiui is about the time you start to see BFPs....so that is my thought. unfortunately, I am not feeling any signs of PG, though I do know it is early....that trigger shot certainly screws with you. You get that huge rush of HCG and feel PG and then it slowly fades, and then you wait to feel it come back.

my hope level is slightly lower than last post (just cause i am not feeling PG, I know I still could be)

no surprises is good news

I went for my 21 day b/w and US....well technically it was my cycle day 18 b/w and US since IUI and O occured on cd11. So saw my favorite nurse to take my blood. They won't call with results unless there is a problem.
Then I go for the US. The RE seems much more careful than they are prior to O. I soon saw why. My my how the ovaries get enlarged after doing injectables.It is pretty interesting to see the USs so frequent. You actually start to understand what you are looking at :) This cycle I had 5 USs. With each one I saw the progression of the follicle growth. This one, when he measured the ovaries, they were about double the size at the beginning of the cycle. Surprisingly, I have no pain or feelign of bloat. And you could see the really big cysts left after ovulation, the ones that become the corpus luteum which produce the progesterone to support pregnancy until the placenta takes over....please please let them be necessary this cycle. The RE said that the ovaries look how he expected them to after a cycle of injectables, so no concerns. As the nurse who assisted said "and now we wait" ha-ha like I have no idea. If AF is late, I should call and go in for blood work....or I suppose if I get a +hpt or if stupid AF shows.....only time will tell.

hope level- medium today

a thought on pregnancy books

I was reading a fellow IF blog who is newly PG (congrats! again Erica!), and she was talking about when to go and buy her copy of Wh.at to Exp.ect and her experience doing that. I won't spoil the ending, but I can imagine the feelings.

I unfortunately already have a copy. You see, I bought mine after I was 6 weeks pregnant the first time. I thought, naively, that I was 6 weeks, and after all I needed to know that information. So I read that book. I would lie in bed with J. and read every night, giggling at parts, showing J. different parts. Never, ever imagining that it would all end at 10 weeks. Of course, I knew that older women experience more miscarriages. After all, something kept me from telling or allowing J. to tell anyone. I told him we would have plenty of time after 13 weeks....well, we know how that ended. Then we got PG again, and I started to reread the early sections, only to miscarry again. And by the third pregnancy, I didn't even bother to pick up the book, after all, I already read those sections twice, ha. And when our fourth miracle happens....I am not sure if I will EVER pick up that book. I guess I may, but the question is when? or maybe a different book is warranted.

thoughts about hope

To start, I have a question for you, my bloggy friends. Yesterday's post about hope got me thinking. While I totally understand preparing yourself for the worst so that you aren't disappointed....I still think the disappointment happens. I have tried it both ways, thinking positive and sunshine, and thinking what I call realistically and expecting the worst....and the outcome was still the same, I was hurt. And this hope for a BFP comes from a woman who truly knows that just because I get a BFP it doesn't mean that I will be holding a baby at the end of it....I have been there 3 times with nothing to show except some wicked scars on my heart. And this cycle while I say I have hope, I do not have some kind of fantasy that I am pregnant...I am just hopeful that I will be. I called it hope, this thing, this force that keeps me trying despite my 3 MCs. What do you call it, that which keeps you trying?


I have had a few questions about my MCs, so I wanted to give a little back story to fill everyone in. My first MC happened at about 10 weeks, when I went in for my US, no heartbeat was found. They did b/w and found my hcg to be a very respectable 141,000 and my progesterone was over 50....not really matching with a MC, so we waited a week and had another US and same findings, no heartbeat. I ended up with a D&E because my body had not recognized the MC. I had NO bleeding, no cramping and all the signs of pregnancy. We did testing on the baby and my son had trisomy 22, an extra copy if the 22nd chromosome. After the D&E, waited two months to try and got a BFP, yay! At 5 1/2 weeks we MC naturally. Wait another two months, another BFP and another natural MC at 5 1/2 weeks....so off to the perinatologist, they run some tests, and find nothing. 6 months pass and no BFP, decide since I am 39, let's not waste time, see a RE. They run more tests and find: no clotting issues, no lupus, no thyroid problems, no physical problems with my girly parts, no progesterone problems, no FSH problems, no chromosome problems with me or J, no sperm issues....they find nothing. Overall I am as healthy as a 39 yeard old woman can be. So they/we decide that we will try injectables/iui to help us move this along. There is no reason why we can't have our baby.....bad luck and older eggs *sigh*

Staying hopeful :)

Hope

As I enter the wonderful TWW, I have been thinking about Hope. Hope with a capital H. I know I have not been TTC as long as some, and have not had as many losses as others, but how is it possible for us, all of us, women to keep up hoping. Hoping that this time is the one? That this is the sticky one? That this time, things will be different? I know my hope this cycle is very high, given the new protocol with the injectables and the IUI, but I also know that if it doesn't work, my heart will be broken again. But yet I hope, I Hope. I share this hope with all of you. Hope for the future. Hope for for the answer to our prayers. Without hope, we have no life.

The wait begins

Today was the IUI. After some initial stress when J. called and asked for more directions to the RE office (in his defense, it was not the same office that he did the original SA), things get better. J. dropped off his sample at 7:45. I was to go in between 9 and 9:15. Once I was there it went very quick. Dr. Sk. was the RE in the office and he was very quick and completely painless. First he went through J.s sample and explained everything. J. had 91 million swimmers in his sample with 75% motility. So when the sample was washed and prepped we had 66 million swimmers to put in there....hopefully in all of them there are 3 who are able to find an egg :) my bloggy friend said, we can certainly tell which sex is the most efficient sex. 3 eggs (because of stims) and 66 million swimmers!! I barely felt anything during the procedure and and have been feeling the usual signs of O since then, so hopefully the timing was perfect.

So next up, an US and b/w appointment in one week. During that appointment I was told that they are just going to be looking at the ovaries, making sure that they are not over stimulated and that there is no sign of OHSS. I am assuming they will also be checking my progesterone levels. Additionally, I have to start progesterone supp. starting 3 days after IUI. fun, fun.

On a side note, when I told J. about his swimmers, he was disappointed because there was less than last time....silly guy, I told him there were more than enough, and that we were very lucky.

Trigger

So after my fabulous appointment on Friday where I learned we would trigger on Saturday and do IUI on Monday. I was so happy. No thinking of excuses for the in-laws and having to explain away some solo trips. Instead I just had to do the injections in the bedroom instead of in the kitchen like usual :)
Friday night I snuck away and did the 3 injections needed at the usual time 0f 10:30. Then on Saturday I needed to do the ovidrel at 9pm. I went into the bedroom to do the injection, and when it was done, i looked down and realized, i never even iced the spot. I had with every injection iced the spot and then gave it, without fail....this time i was so distracted thinking about the in-laws and thinking about the IUI...I forgot, and guess what? it didn't hurt....ha-ha-ha. weird.

So tomorrow morning is the big day....and then the progesterone supp....ewwww.....and the long long wait.

Happy Friday!

This made me chuckle and think of all my fellow IFers out there. It is so weird to think it is perfectly normal to drop trou to 3 different REs (yes men) in the same week...and think nothing of it. Seriously? how did I get here?

Any way, It is a HAPPY friday for many reasons!
1. Had my 3rd monitoring US today, with my favorite of the REs in this office. All of them are great, but Dr. V. is awesome. Always takes the time to explain everything and show you everything on the monitor.
2. We have 3 follies that are mature! the absolute perfect number. 4 kind of scared me to be honest. so today we have 1x19 on the left and 2x17 on the right. There are others, but they are not going to be mature by ovulation so he did not measure them..
3. My lining looked good at a 9.
4. We get to trigger on Saturday, which means, one more day of stims to give them a little extra, and most importantly we do IUI on Monday....we don't have to think of some excuse for the inlaws!!
5. so four more injections....3 tonight and 1 on saturday.