Sorry that I have been MIA, but being in that pregnant but not confirmed place was not that easy for me....I didn't know what to say what not to....but it doesn't get easier.
I had my first US appointment since the BFP and the multiple blood tests. My least favorite RE was the one who was working, boo, but J and I were just so happy to be there.
As soon as he inserted the vaginal ultrasound, I saw that there was at least one gestational sac. Yay! He then settled on the uterus and we saw two gestational sacs. He zoomed in on the one he called sac A. You could see there was a yolk sac and I thought i saw a tiny fetal pole. He then zoomed in more and we saw the tiny flicker of the heartbeat! He zoomed in to listen and had me hold my breath....then we heard it, the actual heartbeat! The baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days so the heart has just begun to beat and is 111bpm.
Then he zoomed out to check on sac B. It was located pretty close to sac A making it hard to zoom in. It was almost behind? Baby A....so he wasn't able to get a good look at it and he didn't even try to zoom in....boo Dr. S. But he said we would be able to tell more next week....ehhh, that didn't make me too happy but what can you do?
I go back on Monday to see how they have both grown since this visit....we are cautiously happy about Baby A :) and praying that Baby B kicks into gear a little late....maybe B is just behind and that might explain the lag in the betas too....
I also am still experiencing OHSS...yuck. Much of the fluid has left but there is still some....and the ovaries are still very enlarged and sensitive through the abdomen. So continuing with no s-e-x....and no exercise until it is completely healed...boo.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
the whole story
I loved the Pa.ul Har.vey "Rest of the Sto.ry" when I was a kid.....my grandpa would always listen to that station and I never ceased to be amazed at whatever story he told.....
Monday morning, the morning of the follow up beta, I wake up early to make sure that I get there in time because the drive is an hour and a half. J. had asked the night before if I wanted him to go and I said no, that seems silly, after all it is only a blood draw and I won't know what the results are until later.
As I am laying in bed at 6am I notice that my cell phone is ringing, but I don't recognize the number so I don't answer (my usual routine). No message is left so I assume that I was correct.
Before I leave, J. says to me, we can handle whatever the outcome is.....which is perfect. I didn't want to hear some false positivity....but he said exactly the right thing.
I make the drive, talk to the nurse who does the draws. She asks about bleeding and cramping for the file...nope none. She asks if I have any complaints, I laughed and said yeah, last draw you ave me some sucky numbers....she sort of laughs, more of a sad smile and then I ask for better ones this time. She is sweet and does her job well just like always.
I get in the car and make the hour and a half drive home. during the drive, I notice that my cell hpone shows a missed call from my sister in law....I had the ringer off so i don't know when she called but i know that it was after the blood draw. Weird i think, since I know she and her husband and kids are at the shore. no message.
Finally back home by around 10:15am....by the way, so distracted by my nerves, that I miss my exit off the NJ turnpike and have to go 8 more miles to the next one.....great. My phone rings, it is J. He asks me how i am, am I home, do I know the results. I said no I won't know until afternoon but I am home.
Then I hear it....I ask what's wrong. His aunt has unexpectedly passed away. She was in a care facility because she had fallen and broken her leg 6 weeks ago....but she was fine. She was supposed to be up and walking this week. She was young. Her sister passed away 90 days ago....J.s mother has lost both of her younger sisters in 3 months. J is heart broken. We were taking her to Irel.and in September with our parents. This aunt was a nun, with a master's degree in theology....bright caring...sigh.
J. can't come home, his company is going through layoffs and this is a critical week. I feel terrible that he has to be there. His words to me before he hangs up were "I hope this is the only bad phone call you get today".....
The nurse calls and say "your numbers were great! you are all done with bloodwork"....I can't believe it. I ask "Are you serious?" She laughed and said yes, she gives me the wonderful number of 7133 and helps me schedule the US for 6/29.....
I call J. to give him a little ray of sun that day....
I can't say that I am religious, but perhaps some one whispered in an ear, that we could use a miracle? of course we also had the whole internet praying for us....now we just need to see that flicker.
Monday morning, the morning of the follow up beta, I wake up early to make sure that I get there in time because the drive is an hour and a half. J. had asked the night before if I wanted him to go and I said no, that seems silly, after all it is only a blood draw and I won't know what the results are until later.
As I am laying in bed at 6am I notice that my cell phone is ringing, but I don't recognize the number so I don't answer (my usual routine). No message is left so I assume that I was correct.
Before I leave, J. says to me, we can handle whatever the outcome is.....which is perfect. I didn't want to hear some false positivity....but he said exactly the right thing.
I make the drive, talk to the nurse who does the draws. She asks about bleeding and cramping for the file...nope none. She asks if I have any complaints, I laughed and said yeah, last draw you ave me some sucky numbers....she sort of laughs, more of a sad smile and then I ask for better ones this time. She is sweet and does her job well just like always.
I get in the car and make the hour and a half drive home. during the drive, I notice that my cell hpone shows a missed call from my sister in law....I had the ringer off so i don't know when she called but i know that it was after the blood draw. Weird i think, since I know she and her husband and kids are at the shore. no message.
Finally back home by around 10:15am....by the way, so distracted by my nerves, that I miss my exit off the NJ turnpike and have to go 8 more miles to the next one.....great. My phone rings, it is J. He asks me how i am, am I home, do I know the results. I said no I won't know until afternoon but I am home.
Then I hear it....I ask what's wrong. His aunt has unexpectedly passed away. She was in a care facility because she had fallen and broken her leg 6 weeks ago....but she was fine. She was supposed to be up and walking this week. She was young. Her sister passed away 90 days ago....J.s mother has lost both of her younger sisters in 3 months. J is heart broken. We were taking her to Irel.and in September with our parents. This aunt was a nun, with a master's degree in theology....bright caring...sigh.
J. can't come home, his company is going through layoffs and this is a critical week. I feel terrible that he has to be there. His words to me before he hangs up were "I hope this is the only bad phone call you get today".....
The nurse calls and say "your numbers were great! you are all done with bloodwork"....I can't believe it. I ask "Are you serious?" She laughed and said yes, she gives me the wonderful number of 7133 and helps me schedule the US for 6/29.....
I call J. to give him a little ray of sun that day....
I can't say that I am religious, but perhaps some one whispered in an ear, that we could use a miracle? of course we also had the whole internet praying for us....now we just need to see that flicker.
Monday, June 22, 2009
oh my!
I want to thank everyone for their prayers and for their positive thoughts. I spent the whole weekend away from the internets except reading all your wonderful comments to me....without those, I don't know how I would have made it through. You all truly get it....and allowed me my worries but stood next to me. And worry I did; I worried the whole weekend :) because I figured, if this baby is strong, all will be well, if not, trying to stay positive wasn't going to change anything. Don't get me wrong, I stayed careful, and acted as if pregnant. I did help J. install a ceiling fan...and had one cup of caffeinated coffee, but otherwise, I was good.
I have more to this story, but want to do a separate post about it later....for now, without further delay....
The nurse called with my bloodwork (good sign, the NP calls when it is bad)...and she said your bloodwork came back great, in fact, you are all done with bloodwork....WTF? I asked if she was serious.....she laughed and said yes. My levels went from 1627 to....wait for it....7133 in 3 days!! I am amazed, and thankful and speechless....so I am 23dpo with a level of 7133 :) my first US is scheduled for next monday when I will be 6weeks 2days....praying for a strong heartbeat!!
I have more to this story, but want to do a separate post about it later....for now, without further delay....
The nurse called with my bloodwork (good sign, the NP calls when it is bad)...and she said your bloodwork came back great, in fact, you are all done with bloodwork....WTF? I asked if she was serious.....she laughed and said yes. My levels went from 1627 to....wait for it....7133 in 3 days!! I am amazed, and thankful and speechless....so I am 23dpo with a level of 7133 :) my first US is scheduled for next monday when I will be 6weeks 2days....praying for a strong heartbeat!!
Friday, June 19, 2009
no
please don't let this be happening again.
hcg was 1627 (prog still over 100), doubling time calculates to 118 hours....not good. As the nurse said, she has seen this go well...and she has seen it go the other way....oh god, I don't think I can do this again.
i go again on monday for another beta, this sucks.
hcg was 1627 (prog still over 100), doubling time calculates to 118 hours....not good. As the nurse said, she has seen this go well...and she has seen it go the other way....oh god, I don't think I can do this again.
i go again on monday for another beta, this sucks.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
breath #1
Today was the second beta, I can breathe today:
13dpo HCG - 219 Progesterone +100 (my RE doesn't give exact numbers once it reaches 100)
17dpo HCG - 1067 Progesterone +100
doubling time 40.71 hours (draw on 13dpo was 11am, on 17dpo the draw was at 8am)
next beta is on Friday....think 3300 for me please :)
13dpo HCG - 219 Progesterone +100 (my RE doesn't give exact numbers once it reaches 100)
17dpo HCG - 1067 Progesterone +100
doubling time 40.71 hours (draw on 13dpo was 11am, on 17dpo the draw was at 8am)
next beta is on Friday....think 3300 for me please :)
Monday, June 15, 2009
I confess
i have been peeing on sticks.....but look how pretty they look (the bottom darkest one is of course the most recent one.....read today) :)
Tomorrow is the second beta.....so after i see the doubling numbers....i won't need to do this anymore (though I do have 2 left, wink, wink)
Friday, June 12, 2009
Change of plans
I have shared that this morning I was going to fly to go see my mom for her 60th birthday. The past few days I have been feeling increasingly more crappy. I am not going to go on a woe is me rant for being pregnant but I have felt pretty bad. When I went for my US and b/w 6 days after the IUI, the RE found fluid. SO I knew I was at a higher risk of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). I have been bloated and gross with it getting increasingly worse since my birthday. This morning, I wake up 2 hours before my alarm (which was already set for 5:30am) and felt crappy. my abdomen felt like it was going to explode. I already had given up side sleeping 2 or 3 days ago because I could feel the fluid and my internal organs all floating around. So I asked went to the bathroom, peed...threw up, thought I was goin to explode again. I laid down, J asked what he could do, I said, garbage can, gatorade and a wet washcloth. Decided that flying wasn't going to happen.
At 9am, I called and left a message for the RE office about my positive test and my discomfort. THey asked me to come in at 11am for b/w and an US. We do the bloodwork for the beta and progesterone. Then the US. He listened to my lungs, felt on my belly and then we did the wonderful internal US. Why yes, Dawn, you are right you do have quite a bit of fluid. And yes atleast your right ovary is overstimulated. (the left was large but not nearly the same size) The Re said he would categorize my OHSS as moderate on a scale from mild to moderate to severe. Ladies...if you have ever had severe, I feel for you. That must be horrid. So I have a list of instructions, keep drinking gatorade, i have to measure my pee...fun, take it easy meaning no strenuous activity, but I should remain active. and keep an eye on my weight and other symptoms. oh, and then i had to et stuck again because he wanted to check the cbc? to make sure i am not losing too many electrolytes and other fun stuff. The RE said if he were to do the aspiration he would guess that I am carrying around 2 liters of fluid in my abdomen.....wow. we aren't doing the aspiration unless it is unbearable for me....but i will survive....my mom on the other hand will probably not be happy. especially since she has no idea....but in a matter of weeks, all will be explained :)
oh, and the absolute bestest news???
My HCG on 13dpiui (or 13dpo) was ......219! and
My progesterone was .....+100! They don't even give an actual number when it is over 100! (unfortunately, I still get to do the lovely suppositories for another 8 weeks) but hey if it helps, i will survive! next beta is Tuesday....think lots of doubling thoughts! Thank you all for you support, it means the world to me!
At 9am, I called and left a message for the RE office about my positive test and my discomfort. THey asked me to come in at 11am for b/w and an US. We do the bloodwork for the beta and progesterone. Then the US. He listened to my lungs, felt on my belly and then we did the wonderful internal US. Why yes, Dawn, you are right you do have quite a bit of fluid. And yes atleast your right ovary is overstimulated. (the left was large but not nearly the same size) The Re said he would categorize my OHSS as moderate on a scale from mild to moderate to severe. Ladies...if you have ever had severe, I feel for you. That must be horrid. So I have a list of instructions, keep drinking gatorade, i have to measure my pee...fun, take it easy meaning no strenuous activity, but I should remain active. and keep an eye on my weight and other symptoms. oh, and then i had to et stuck again because he wanted to check the cbc? to make sure i am not losing too many electrolytes and other fun stuff. The RE said if he were to do the aspiration he would guess that I am carrying around 2 liters of fluid in my abdomen.....wow. we aren't doing the aspiration unless it is unbearable for me....but i will survive....my mom on the other hand will probably not be happy. especially since she has no idea....but in a matter of weeks, all will be explained :)
oh, and the absolute bestest news???
My HCG on 13dpiui (or 13dpo) was ......219! and
My progesterone was .....+100! They don't even give an actual number when it is over 100! (unfortunately, I still get to do the lovely suppositories for another 8 weeks) but hey if it helps, i will survive! next beta is Tuesday....think lots of doubling thoughts! Thank you all for you support, it means the world to me!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Birthday wishes
All of us in the world of IF have so many wishes. And we have so many friends who have the same wishes. You all were so wonderful with your wishes for my birthday, I am praying for each and every one of you. Thank You!
This year for my birthday, I recieved the first of, I am praying, many of my wishes. I am sorry for the quality of the photo, it was taken with my iphone....but I think you can see it. And the line today was darker!
I will call the RE on Monday and hopefully start my betas then.
This year for my birthday, I recieved the first of, I am praying, many of my wishes. I am sorry for the quality of the photo, it was taken with my iphone....but I think you can see it. And the line today was darker!
I will call the RE on Monday and hopefully start my betas then.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
check in
Hello every one.....one more day until my birthday!! Just wanted to say hello. J, my sister, her husband and I went to NYC for the day. My sister and her husband have never been to NYC so we showed them so much. The highlite was seeing Avenue Q on Broadway. If you haven't seen it, you should. It is hysterical. J and I have seen it before and we loved it.
They are finally awake (it is noon) they both work for police departments in the midwest....so they work overnights. I think we may head to Philadelphia if it stops raining.
So tomorrow, I am 40, and then Friday morning I fly to Kan.sas....tomorrow I am 11dpiui (13 days post trigger)and Friday 13 dpiui (15 post trigger)....RE says test at 14dpiui.....we'll see how long I can wait.
Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes.....I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs after my sister leaves :)
They are finally awake (it is noon) they both work for police departments in the midwest....so they work overnights. I think we may head to Philadelphia if it stops raining.
So tomorrow, I am 40, and then Friday morning I fly to Kan.sas....tomorrow I am 11dpiui (13 days post trigger)and Friday 13 dpiui (15 post trigger)....RE says test at 14dpiui.....we'll see how long I can wait.
Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes.....I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs after my sister leaves :)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
boring blogger
I am a terrible blogger right now.....nothing new to report on the TTC front. I have really no symptoms what so ever. 8dpo and nothing. I guess that is good. It keeps me from wanting to test. Sorry that I am not writing anything interesting for all of you to read :) I will work on that.
My sister and her husband are arriving today. They are staying for 4 days as part of my birthday present from J. I will be 40 in ....3 days, wow. I am surprised to say so far it is not bothering me. It kind of feels like a badge to be proud of. The whole IF thing bothers me way way more than 40. I know that the passage of that day doesn't significantly decrease my chances....that happened a while back. So instead, I think I will try to relax and enjoy the next few days....then on Friday I head home to Kan.sas to celebrate with my mom. You see....she turns 60 on Friday. Yep, she had me at 19 (2 days from 20) now when I finally have a child....they won't even be 20 when I turn 60....eep!
My sister and her husband are arriving today. They are staying for 4 days as part of my birthday present from J. I will be 40 in ....3 days, wow. I am surprised to say so far it is not bothering me. It kind of feels like a badge to be proud of. The whole IF thing bothers me way way more than 40. I know that the passage of that day doesn't significantly decrease my chances....that happened a while back. So instead, I think I will try to relax and enjoy the next few days....then on Friday I head home to Kan.sas to celebrate with my mom. You see....she turns 60 on Friday. Yep, she had me at 19 (2 days from 20) now when I finally have a child....they won't even be 20 when I turn 60....eep!
Friday, June 5, 2009
did you see that?
"that" was my ovary and boy is it big, well actually they are both pretty big. I went in for my 7dpo US and b/w (done on 6dpo because of the weekend). First off, the office was empty! yay! because it was simply the follow-up and no one was there I breezed in and out in 15 minutes. First up, the bloodwork. This did not go so well. weird. She first tried my right arm and it stung really bad, so she removed it. Then she tried the left arm. It hurt too, and left a bruise. I have't had this problem at all since going to this clinic. And it was the usual nurse.
Next, the US room. No wait inbetween. So I am in the room maybe 3 minutes, and in walks my favorite RE, Dr V. I smile and say hello. He says "look at her all happy and not at all worried that she may be carrying quintuplets" Then he laughed, and then I laughed. I said I better not be :) But how nice that he reviewed my chart and knew exactly how many follicles we had at trigger.
He then does the US. He is awesome because he explains everything. He asked if I had any discomfort or bloating before we started and I said no. In fact my pants have been feeling looser. He starts the US and shows me the fluid that has accumulated because of the stims (this I think is the mild form of OHSS) and reminds me if things start to feel bad or I have trouble breathing to call in right away. (so far no issues) Then he shows me my ovaries. Wow they look so different from the baseline US only a few months ago. They were so small and pretty. Now they are really large and bloated. They are also sporting some pretty big corpus luteums from the release of the eggs during ovulation. Lets hope that those CL are making lots of progesterone for my future babies :)
He said I could test in 8 more days....and to keep taking the progesterone supp. When I get a positive test, I should call. ...or when the ugly witch shows, I should give a call. fingers crossed it is the first circumstance. let's see if I can actually wait until next saturday to test....that is a long time, and i leave for a trip to my home state on friday.
Next, the US room. No wait inbetween. So I am in the room maybe 3 minutes, and in walks my favorite RE, Dr V. I smile and say hello. He says "look at her all happy and not at all worried that she may be carrying quintuplets" Then he laughed, and then I laughed. I said I better not be :) But how nice that he reviewed my chart and knew exactly how many follicles we had at trigger.
He then does the US. He is awesome because he explains everything. He asked if I had any discomfort or bloating before we started and I said no. In fact my pants have been feeling looser. He starts the US and shows me the fluid that has accumulated because of the stims (this I think is the mild form of OHSS) and reminds me if things start to feel bad or I have trouble breathing to call in right away. (so far no issues) Then he shows me my ovaries. Wow they look so different from the baseline US only a few months ago. They were so small and pretty. Now they are really large and bloated. They are also sporting some pretty big corpus luteums from the release of the eggs during ovulation. Lets hope that those CL are making lots of progesterone for my future babies :)
He said I could test in 8 more days....and to keep taking the progesterone supp. When I get a positive test, I should call. ...or when the ugly witch shows, I should give a call. fingers crossed it is the first circumstance. let's see if I can actually wait until next saturday to test....that is a long time, and i leave for a trip to my home state on friday.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Impatient
Today I am feeling....you guessed it, impatient. No not to test, after all I am only 4dpo today. Instead, all day long I have had this overwhelming sense of sadness. Normally as you know, I am full of hope and especially in the first week of the TWW everything is normally all positive and full of what ifs, and "when i test positive" at least in my head. But today I realized that nope, I am not feeling positive. Then I really sat down to think about it. Was I feeling negative about this cycle? Did I think already, that this cycle is a bust.....hmmm. That wasn't it. I know both in my heart and my mind that it is way to early to know what is going on. Instead, I have come to the conclusion that I am just so tired of waiting, waiting for everything. While my journey is not as long as many people, it is my journey and it feels like I have been in this same place over and over again. expecting a different outcome....hmmmm sounds a lot like the old definition of insanity :)
sorry to be a bummer today, I am sure that my hopeful self will be back in the next day or two, but for today, I am tired of being hopeful.
sorry to be a bummer today, I am sure that my hopeful self will be back in the next day or two, but for today, I am tired of being hopeful.
Monday, June 1, 2009
8 x 8
well you all know how hard it is to focus during the TWW so I thought how perfect to be tagged by dragonfly mama , thank you! her blog is one of those i found because of iclw, and i am so happy to have found it! so here is another random-facts-about-me-post .
first, the rules:
1. mention person who tagged me (i don’t know your name yet!)
2. complete list of 8s
3. tag 8 people
and now the lists:
8 things i am looking forward to:
1. my trip to Ire.land with J and his family and my mom.
2. summer at the shore
3. continuing my sabbatical from work
4. seeing my sister next week
5. seeing my nieces smile and run to me when they see me
6. J coming home on wednesday
7. completing my master's degree
8. my birthday next week
8 things i did yesterday
1. worked on an assignment for grad school
2. walked on the beach
3. slept until 9am!
4. talked to J on the phone
5. read my friends' blogs
6. went to dinner alone :)
7. laundry
8. unpacked boxes
8 things i wish i could do:
1. get pregnant
2. stay pregnant for 9 months
3. bring a healthy baby home from the hospital
4. stop obsessing about TTC (not so easy with #1-3)
5. be nicer
6. live on the west coast
7. permanently remove body hair (well i do :)
8. see my grandparents again
8 shows i watch:
1. the office
2. 30 Rock
3. the daily show
4. colbert report
5. L&O (all of them)
6. csi
7. today show
8. discovery channel
8 favorite fruits
1. avocado
2. tomato (it is a fruit after all)
3. cantaloupe
4. bananas
5. granny smith apples
6. oranges
7. grapes
8. watermelon
8 places i’d like to travel
1. easter island
2. egypt
3. fiji
4. greece (again)
5. africa
6. china
7. istanbul
8. japan
8 places i’ve lived:
1. kansas
2. northern CA
3. southern CA
4. seattle
5. philadelphia area
6. asbury park
7. big cities
8. very small towns
8 folks i’m tagging:
1. katery
2. danifred
3. ella
4. erica
5. just me
6. wiseguy
7. best when used by
8. SS
Of course all my bloggy friends are welcome to copy this and use whenever they need :)
first, the rules:
1. mention person who tagged me (i don’t know your name yet!)
2. complete list of 8s
3. tag 8 people
and now the lists:
8 things i am looking forward to:
1. my trip to Ire.land with J and his family and my mom.
2. summer at the shore
3. continuing my sabbatical from work
4. seeing my sister next week
5. seeing my nieces smile and run to me when they see me
6. J coming home on wednesday
7. completing my master's degree
8. my birthday next week
8 things i did yesterday
1. worked on an assignment for grad school
2. walked on the beach
3. slept until 9am!
4. talked to J on the phone
5. read my friends' blogs
6. went to dinner alone :)
7. laundry
8. unpacked boxes
8 things i wish i could do:
1. get pregnant
2. stay pregnant for 9 months
3. bring a healthy baby home from the hospital
4. stop obsessing about TTC (not so easy with #1-3)
5. be nicer
6. live on the west coast
7. permanently remove body hair (well i do :)
8. see my grandparents again
8 shows i watch:
1. the office
2. 30 Rock
3. the daily show
4. colbert report
5. L&O (all of them)
6. csi
7. today show
8. discovery channel
8 favorite fruits
1. avocado
2. tomato (it is a fruit after all)
3. cantaloupe
4. bananas
5. granny smith apples
6. oranges
7. grapes
8. watermelon
8 places i’d like to travel
1. easter island
2. egypt
3. fiji
4. greece (again)
5. africa
6. china
7. istanbul
8. japan
8 places i’ve lived:
1. kansas
2. northern CA
3. southern CA
4. seattle
5. philadelphia area
6. asbury park
7. big cities
8. very small towns
8 folks i’m tagging:
1. katery
2. danifred
3. ella
4. erica
5. just me
6. wiseguy
7. best when used by
8. SS
Of course all my bloggy friends are welcome to copy this and use whenever they need :)
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