I am back from my appointment. And I am sad to say it appears that baby B was not strong enough to survive. We are not 100% as the machine the OB used is pretty old, and we could posibly see where B was last time....I have an appointment on Monday with a real machine, that will be able to give us a clear view, but at this point 11 weeks along, B should be visible. I have had many weeks to think about this and know that these things happen, Lord knows that I know these things happen. Isn't that why REs do the super ovulation? In the hopes that we get one good egg...and sometimes there are more.
I am not going to to dwell on this right now because well....it is not 100% and there is nothing I can do but pray that what is meant to happen does. I know that nature is a glorious thing, that there are so many stages where something can go wrong. That nature has a way of knowing when it does go wrong. While I would give anything for B to be healthy, I know this might be the best thing if something is wrong. My heart is breaking for Baby B.
But Baby A looked great, I was definitely hearing at least one heartbeat, glad to know that I am not crazy....also interesting that it could be heard from two distinct spots but not in the middle of those spots, but I digress. I don't have any pics (the machine is that old) but guessing that I will probably get one on Monday. Baby A was beautiful though, just like one of those perfect US pics in a book.
My heart is torn right now, happiness for A, sadness for B.....sigh.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
tomorrow
tomorrow is my next US....early, I have less than 24 hours to go.....more like 18 hours :)
Over last weekend, I broke down and ordered a doppler. I didn't ever think I would, but then again I never imagined any of this. So, of course, as soon as it arrived, I had to see what if anything I could hear.
I have read on many forums that they could not tell if they were hearing one heartbeat or two different heartbeats, but I was willing to go through that....just to hear a heartbeat.
As soon as I out it on my belly the heartrate flashes in the 120s and then goes blank and so on...but I can't hear anything.....I know that my heartrate is lower much lower like in the 60s prior to the pregnancy and now typically in the 70s sometimes 80s.
I know that I should hear the heartbeat so I keep searching. I find it....definitely the baby's heartbeat. Swoosh-swoosh.....so fast such a beautiful sound. I can't stay on it for a steady reading but definitely over 140s, sometimes reading in the 170s (the doppler counts/times 8 beats and then determines the average). I keep searching, there are two spots that I can hear a heartbeat.....but I don't know if it is two different heartbeats or if it is the same heartbeat just read from different angles. The spots are about 2 inches apart....so I don't know.
I do know from all of the USs, the babies are implanted pretty close together with A blocking B....so it could be 2, it could be 1.....I will know for certain tomorrow, but I do know that the most beautiful sound I have heard is that swoosh-swoosh.
And of course, I looked for the heartbeats again this morning....slightly different positions, and a little harder to find, but again 2 spots....praying this is a sign.
Over last weekend, I broke down and ordered a doppler. I didn't ever think I would, but then again I never imagined any of this. So, of course, as soon as it arrived, I had to see what if anything I could hear.
I have read on many forums that they could not tell if they were hearing one heartbeat or two different heartbeats, but I was willing to go through that....just to hear a heartbeat.
As soon as I out it on my belly the heartrate flashes in the 120s and then goes blank and so on...but I can't hear anything.....I know that my heartrate is lower much lower like in the 60s prior to the pregnancy and now typically in the 70s sometimes 80s.
I know that I should hear the heartbeat so I keep searching. I find it....definitely the baby's heartbeat. Swoosh-swoosh.....so fast such a beautiful sound. I can't stay on it for a steady reading but definitely over 140s, sometimes reading in the 170s (the doppler counts/times 8 beats and then determines the average). I keep searching, there are two spots that I can hear a heartbeat.....but I don't know if it is two different heartbeats or if it is the same heartbeat just read from different angles. The spots are about 2 inches apart....so I don't know.
I do know from all of the USs, the babies are implanted pretty close together with A blocking B....so it could be 2, it could be 1.....I will know for certain tomorrow, but I do know that the most beautiful sound I have heard is that swoosh-swoosh.
And of course, I looked for the heartbeats again this morning....slightly different positions, and a little harder to find, but again 2 spots....praying this is a sign.
Friday, July 24, 2009
my funny/sweet husband
This morning my J. sends me an email suggesting that I start "signing" to our babies in my tummy with a link to a page all about baby sign language. We witnessed a friend's baby communicating via sign language before she was 1 year old....and we were intrigued. We of course discussed it at the time, but here we are 2 years later....and J. is supposed to be working...and he is researching baby sign language when I am 10 weeks along :) he is so sweet.
He has also taken to hiding little notes around the house for me to find....like on the nutella jar (one of those cravings that I have given in to).
He has also taken to hiding little notes around the house for me to find....like on the nutella jar (one of those cravings that I have given in to).
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
trying not to give TMI
ok, I have to ask this because I have not read too much about this out there and I know there must be other women like me....there must be.
Ever since my BFP (and honestly with my first pregnancy too) I think about s.e.x a lot. Most blogs and posts I read seem to be the opposite. At the beginning, because of my OHSS, we were not supposed to be doing that....but we still did a few times (very carefully because my ovaries hurt pretty bad).
I can't explain it other than I feel se.xy. LOL....I never feel like that but something about being preg.nant and maybe all those hormones? ....Now we have not been going crazy (TMI I know). But believe me I have been thinking about it way more than I have initiated it. And J. seems content without right now....I have had to spell it out for him every time LOL. He acts surprised and said he thought I was just snuggling up to cuddle. Not that he is complaining....but is this weird? Sorry if this is oversharing....but just curious :)
Ever since my BFP (and honestly with my first pregnancy too) I think about s.e.x a lot. Most blogs and posts I read seem to be the opposite. At the beginning, because of my OHSS, we were not supposed to be doing that....but we still did a few times (very carefully because my ovaries hurt pretty bad).
I can't explain it other than I feel se.xy. LOL....I never feel like that but something about being preg.nant and maybe all those hormones? ....Now we have not been going crazy (TMI I know). But believe me I have been thinking about it way more than I have initiated it. And J. seems content without right now....I have had to spell it out for him every time LOL. He acts surprised and said he thought I was just snuggling up to cuddle. Not that he is complaining....but is this weird? Sorry if this is oversharing....but just curious :)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
sorry, been in hiding
Can you tell what I do when I am stressed or worry? yeah, I crawl right inside myself. I don't like to share my worries and give them air to breathe and grow.....so I lock them down deep inside and then clam up and deal. Fortunately, I am better with J. and I tell him when I am worried and he knows that as the day or thing approaches that I am obsessing over, I will become more and more quiet. He accepts it and gently tries to get me to stop worrying.
This time, of course I was worried about my OB appointment. So many things to worry about, will I like the new doctor, will I get to see the doctor, will they do an US, if they do what will we see....and on and on. This appointment is on the same timeline as my first mc which was a missed mc. J. and I go happily into the appointment thinking we are 9 weeks along and going to see our baby....on the anniversary of the day we met....and our world crashed down.
This appointment started out different. J. wasn't able to go because his company did layoffs yesterday and as HR Director....he needed to be there as support if there were any issues or things that needed addressed. I understand. And he has seen the babies twice already and there will be many more chances.
I met the doctor and my first impression was great. She sits down and says "i guess you know you are pregnant" LOL...yes got that covered :) she goes through my history and I bring her up to speed as to how we got here. I think I made the story more complicated than I needed to but I wanted her to know everything....we do the annual exam stuff....as I was past due (only 3 months....bad, bad I know). Then she says that we will go into the next room and take a look. Oh my....a doctor who listens!! yay! I couldn't imagine walking out of that office without knowing how my baby A and B are doing.
We go into the room and she asks me to lay down on the table....what? lay down? not remove everything from the waist down? I have been going to the RE too long. She wants to do the tummy US....really? how novel. At the time I didn't even have time to think about my last tummy US....the one where we didn't see the heartbeat, the one that turned into a vaginal US and eventually led to the D&E....thank god I didn't have time to think that. Instead, I thought, uh oh, I didn't drink a lot of water in prep for this LOL.
Immediately I see Baby A! there was the heartbeat easily seen with the tummy US. And looking like a baby. Now I forgot to mention.....the OB's equipment is nothing like the RE's....everything is much older and blurrier plus it is on the tummy which I know isn't as clear early....but there is baby A. big!
So she starts to look for baby B.....no, I think that is your enlarged right ovary....see the cysts on it? yep, that is the ovary. hmmm....not seeing another sac....hmmm. Baby B is doing his darndest to hide. Just like the other two times....I am starting to think maybe not, maybe we won't see him. The OB is thinking the same thing. She says I am just not seeing it. And then there it is....small so small compared to A. And then you can see inside but like the last time.....it isn't clear. She is saying I just don't see a heartbeat. and the sac is so small. And she is right, the sac is so small, it is filled with baby....the other one looks so different. I tell her that with the vaginal US the sac looked bigger but as she was saying it is much smaller. I agree....but she keeps trying and then....there it is....a heartbeat. Seriously, little B has a heartbeat....and though the size difference remains....they are both progressing. Amazing.
A second amazing thing. The OB apologizes to me. She says she is sorry that she told me that there might not be a heartbeat. She apologizes more than once. I tell her, it is okay, thank you for apologizing, but most of all thank you for continueing to look and for finding the heartbeat.
So, litle B is not out of the woods by any means....he is much smaller than his big brother or sister and his sac seems small too, though obviously he is in a tough spot for anyone to get a good view. He is squeezed on one side by Big A....and on the other side by the enlarged right ovary....but he is still growing.
We are still pregnant with twins :) and ever so thankful. We will be praying every day that both A and B continue to develop.
Next appointment is in two weeks with the OB and she will be doing another US to check on them! Yay. and then two weeks after that, we have our NT scan scheduled. While I know there can be false positives....I mostly just want to see the bebes again....so once we get the results, we will go from there.
I will be trying to be better about posting....and not go into my shell. because otherwise this is going to be one boring lonely blog....I do have some ideas for a few posts....so I will be around.
Thank you all for your prayers, keep them coming. I will continue to pray for your miracles too :)
This time, of course I was worried about my OB appointment. So many things to worry about, will I like the new doctor, will I get to see the doctor, will they do an US, if they do what will we see....and on and on. This appointment is on the same timeline as my first mc which was a missed mc. J. and I go happily into the appointment thinking we are 9 weeks along and going to see our baby....on the anniversary of the day we met....and our world crashed down.
This appointment started out different. J. wasn't able to go because his company did layoffs yesterday and as HR Director....he needed to be there as support if there were any issues or things that needed addressed. I understand. And he has seen the babies twice already and there will be many more chances.
I met the doctor and my first impression was great. She sits down and says "i guess you know you are pregnant" LOL...yes got that covered :) she goes through my history and I bring her up to speed as to how we got here. I think I made the story more complicated than I needed to but I wanted her to know everything....we do the annual exam stuff....as I was past due (only 3 months....bad, bad I know). Then she says that we will go into the next room and take a look. Oh my....a doctor who listens!! yay! I couldn't imagine walking out of that office without knowing how my baby A and B are doing.
We go into the room and she asks me to lay down on the table....what? lay down? not remove everything from the waist down? I have been going to the RE too long. She wants to do the tummy US....really? how novel. At the time I didn't even have time to think about my last tummy US....the one where we didn't see the heartbeat, the one that turned into a vaginal US and eventually led to the D&E....thank god I didn't have time to think that. Instead, I thought, uh oh, I didn't drink a lot of water in prep for this LOL.
Immediately I see Baby A! there was the heartbeat easily seen with the tummy US. And looking like a baby. Now I forgot to mention.....the OB's equipment is nothing like the RE's....everything is much older and blurrier plus it is on the tummy which I know isn't as clear early....but there is baby A. big!
So she starts to look for baby B.....no, I think that is your enlarged right ovary....see the cysts on it? yep, that is the ovary. hmmm....not seeing another sac....hmmm. Baby B is doing his darndest to hide. Just like the other two times....I am starting to think maybe not, maybe we won't see him. The OB is thinking the same thing. She says I am just not seeing it. And then there it is....small so small compared to A. And then you can see inside but like the last time.....it isn't clear. She is saying I just don't see a heartbeat. and the sac is so small. And she is right, the sac is so small, it is filled with baby....the other one looks so different. I tell her that with the vaginal US the sac looked bigger but as she was saying it is much smaller. I agree....but she keeps trying and then....there it is....a heartbeat. Seriously, little B has a heartbeat....and though the size difference remains....they are both progressing. Amazing.
A second amazing thing. The OB apologizes to me. She says she is sorry that she told me that there might not be a heartbeat. She apologizes more than once. I tell her, it is okay, thank you for apologizing, but most of all thank you for continueing to look and for finding the heartbeat.
So, litle B is not out of the woods by any means....he is much smaller than his big brother or sister and his sac seems small too, though obviously he is in a tough spot for anyone to get a good view. He is squeezed on one side by Big A....and on the other side by the enlarged right ovary....but he is still growing.
We are still pregnant with twins :) and ever so thankful. We will be praying every day that both A and B continue to develop.
Next appointment is in two weeks with the OB and she will be doing another US to check on them! Yay. and then two weeks after that, we have our NT scan scheduled. While I know there can be false positives....I mostly just want to see the bebes again....so once we get the results, we will go from there.
I will be trying to be better about posting....and not go into my shell. because otherwise this is going to be one boring lonely blog....I do have some ideas for a few posts....so I will be around.
Thank you all for your prayers, keep them coming. I will continue to pray for your miracles too :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Next appointment
I feel like I am in a weird spot. Even though we saw the two heartbeats, there is still enough ambiguity in it that I am not feeling sure about anything. I know all of us who are IF or have had multiple losses feel this way, but it kind of sucks. J's sister and husband and two kids were visiting this week and J asked if he could tell them. I said no, that I wanted to see the heartbeats again....we'll be 8 weeks tomorrow so I know i am not asking too much. He wasn't upset, but I think he is thinking everything is perfect and can't wait for me to join him in this knowledge. I am glad that he feels good....and I do hope to join him soon :)
I called my old OB/GYN office this week. I have been going there since I moved to the east coast....so 10 years. First the apointment person was busy and needed to call me back. Then she "moved stuff around" to get me in ...July 31st (almost 4 weeks after I called) and knowing I had 3 losses and was seeing a RE. Oh, and i didn't even get scheduled with a doctor it was with the NP (not knocking NPs at all) But seeing my history, my length of time with the office....I was hoping for a little more....maybe even a congratulations...nope I did not even get that. Oh, and I was told they would not see me if I did not bring my records from the RE.
So with that as incentive, I called an office around here. Amazing a very sweet woman answered. She asked my name, address etc....and said how about an appointment for July 16th? I asked what to bring, she said don't worry about that, they would request all of that from the doctors after my visit....and she said Congratulations....wow what a difference.
So my appointment is next Thursday. I am not sure what they do on their first appointment but you can be sure I will be requesting an US as I know they do them in their office. I will be talking about my losses and the fact I would feel much better to see the babies again since it was early and there was the difference in size.
I don't really have any symptoms....some yucky feeling, not eating as much as normal, sore BBS off and on but nothing crazy....I am sure that is playing into the fact that I am nervous. But that said, I am not crazy nervous....I am able to function and for long periods of time I don't think about it, so I know I am not obsessing....but I sure want to see those babies soon :)
I called my old OB/GYN office this week. I have been going there since I moved to the east coast....so 10 years. First the apointment person was busy and needed to call me back. Then she "moved stuff around" to get me in ...July 31st (almost 4 weeks after I called) and knowing I had 3 losses and was seeing a RE. Oh, and i didn't even get scheduled with a doctor it was with the NP (not knocking NPs at all) But seeing my history, my length of time with the office....I was hoping for a little more....maybe even a congratulations...nope I did not even get that. Oh, and I was told they would not see me if I did not bring my records from the RE.
So with that as incentive, I called an office around here. Amazing a very sweet woman answered. She asked my name, address etc....and said how about an appointment for July 16th? I asked what to bring, she said don't worry about that, they would request all of that from the doctors after my visit....and she said Congratulations....wow what a difference.
So my appointment is next Thursday. I am not sure what they do on their first appointment but you can be sure I will be requesting an US as I know they do them in their office. I will be talking about my losses and the fact I would feel much better to see the babies again since it was early and there was the difference in size.
I don't really have any symptoms....some yucky feeling, not eating as much as normal, sore BBS off and on but nothing crazy....I am sure that is playing into the fact that I am nervous. But that said, I am not crazy nervous....I am able to function and for long periods of time I don't think about it, so I know I am not obsessing....but I sure want to see those babies soon :)
Monday, July 6, 2009
have you noticed?
my new ticker on the sidebar? Yes....we saw two heartbeats.
we saw two heartbeats :) it was amazing.....baby A is huge LOL...measuring 7w1d (which is really close to the 7w2d by using the IUI date) and had a heartbeat of 143....so amazing. Then we started looking at baby B....so tiny next to baby A...i was pretty sure that the RE would say well you have one strong singleton....and he was moving it around showing me how the sacs look different based on how the wand is positioned (LOL, just imagine) and then he settled in to look at B....we saw the fetal pole and the yolk sac and then OMG, we saw the heartbeat. baby B is only measuring 6w1d with a heartrate of 119.....so much smaller, but B is hanging in there. The RE said, that it could go either way with baby B, so we are prepared but I am praying that B is just a late implanter and that he can catch up. our US pic shows how A is so much bigger and almost squeezing B out....but seeing their heartbeats side by side made me want to cry :)
any way...it is starting to feel real. One thing the RE said that really hit home is that the babies chromosomes are already predetermined....that nothing we do or don't do will hurt or help....so that made me feel good....like B is meant to be .....time will tell.
And...I am done with them....just like that :) I actually said "you are done with me? just like that?" and they laughed and said insurance companies .....so now I have to decide what to do. I don't really want to go to my previous OB office as there is one doc I really don't like plus they are about an hour and 15 minutes away....so i have to find a local OB probably high risk because of age and twins and existing high blood pressure....but i am thinking i will schedule an appointment with the old one so i can get in....and then look for a new one.
so for today I am very happily pregnant with twins.
***I want to say to anyone out there who this post might cause pain, I have been there, and my intent is not to cause anyone pain, but I promised myself that I would celebrate my pregnancy when it happens, and I am sure it will be much of what I discuss from here on out....in addition to my fears and worries during pregnancy. I hope that I do not lose any one during this time...but if so, know that I pray for you and for your own miracles soon.
we saw two heartbeats :) it was amazing.....baby A is huge LOL...measuring 7w1d (which is really close to the 7w2d by using the IUI date) and had a heartbeat of 143....so amazing. Then we started looking at baby B....so tiny next to baby A...i was pretty sure that the RE would say well you have one strong singleton....and he was moving it around showing me how the sacs look different based on how the wand is positioned (LOL, just imagine) and then he settled in to look at B....we saw the fetal pole and the yolk sac and then OMG, we saw the heartbeat. baby B is only measuring 6w1d with a heartrate of 119.....so much smaller, but B is hanging in there. The RE said, that it could go either way with baby B, so we are prepared but I am praying that B is just a late implanter and that he can catch up. our US pic shows how A is so much bigger and almost squeezing B out....but seeing their heartbeats side by side made me want to cry :)
any way...it is starting to feel real. One thing the RE said that really hit home is that the babies chromosomes are already predetermined....that nothing we do or don't do will hurt or help....so that made me feel good....like B is meant to be .....time will tell.
And...I am done with them....just like that :) I actually said "you are done with me? just like that?" and they laughed and said insurance companies .....so now I have to decide what to do. I don't really want to go to my previous OB office as there is one doc I really don't like plus they are about an hour and 15 minutes away....so i have to find a local OB probably high risk because of age and twins and existing high blood pressure....but i am thinking i will schedule an appointment with the old one so i can get in....and then look for a new one.
so for today I am very happily pregnant with twins.
***I want to say to anyone out there who this post might cause pain, I have been there, and my intent is not to cause anyone pain, but I promised myself that I would celebrate my pregnancy when it happens, and I am sure it will be much of what I discuss from here on out....in addition to my fears and worries during pregnancy. I hope that I do not lose any one during this time...but if so, know that I pray for you and for your own miracles soon.
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