I realized that I have been neglectful...I never updated after my appointment last week, and I already have another appointment tomorrow so better catch up while I have a chance.
I went in on Wednesday for my NST and OB appt. I knew I was going to stop the meds for the contractions, So I stopped prior to going to my appt because I wanted to see what was going on. I had been taking the meds every 4 hours, and by the time of my appt it was 5 hours since my final dose.
I was put through the usual, weight, urine and BP....my BP was 120/80.....woo-hoo. Typically I can't get below 130 at the OB, but I tested my breathing techniques from the walk from the car until they took my BP....and it worked, I will try again and see if I have similar results.
Then I was put on the monitor from bebe girl's HR and contractions. Bebe girl was moving all over and sounded great like usual :) Contractions.....still happening every 10 to 15 minutes and some of them getting quite strong, measuring at an 80 at the peak. But still not painful.
My OB comes and decides to check my cervix (I asked and she said why not), it is long and closed. So despite all the practice I am getting with the round the clock contractions.....bebe girl is content to stay where she is, which is fine by me. We are only 37w1d today, so I am not fretful yet.
She also checked bebe's position by feeling my belly and she said she is still head down, but she has not dropped into my pelvis and her head is off to the side, so at the time the OB did not feel bebe was coming any time soon (within days).....so all is well.
My next OB and NST is Monday (it sounds like I will be going in twice a week from now on) and then I have an US with the perinatologist on Tuesday to check bebe girl and insure that all is well, last time they said they would estimate her weight at this one so i am interested in that.....of course I know it can be up to a pound off....but nice to see it any way :)
Everyone keeps saying that I must be tired and ready for her to come, but I am surprisingly not anxious for it.....I am not too big.....and she is well, and I am pretty comfortable....I am enjoying this, so am not in a hurry (of course I reserve the right to change my mind at any time).
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
36 weeks
How Far Along? 36 weeks
Total Weight Gained/Loss? 22 pounds
Maternity Clothes: Yes, and still loving the cords. I hope they fit well after bebe girl comes....they just have little elastic wedges on each side so I think I could use them without them looking too much like maternity pants....we'll see.
Sleep: Not too bad considering my alarm goes off every 4 hours, 2am, 6am, 1oam, 2pm, 6pm, and 10pm.....I usually am quickly able to go back to sleep after both I and bebe girl get comfortable. I have noticed more often waking before the alarm with a contraction (guess the meds are still not stopping them) but all in all, can't complain.
Best Moment of the Week: I am just enjoying the whole thing....bebe girl's hiccups and movements....watching my belly as she pratice breaths....the whole thing.
Movement: Yes, all the time.
Food Craving: No.
Food aversions: No.
Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!
Gender: It is a GIRL!
Labor Signs: yes, those pesky contractions that can't be stopped. otherwise, no change, though they have not checked my cervix since 35 weeks...OB said no reason to, since we would not stop labor if it truly starts.
Belly Button: Still in, maybe it won't pop.
Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)
Wedding rings: still on
Exercise: not allowed anymore because ot the contractions :(
What I miss: nothing really!
What I'm looking forward to: Stopping the meds on Wednesday at 36w4d....wondering, wondering what will happen when we do this. Will I go into labor soon after, or will we just continue as we are?
Other NEW news this week: I have a meet and greet with the pediatrician that we will be using. My first interaction with the office staff was wonderful....hoping the inperson visit is just as good!
Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly. I am a little sad that this may end early, but excited to meet bebe!
Favorite item bought this week: this little hat <3 (excuse the iphone picture, but it is brown with the pink lip-print)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
and so we continue
Well, back home from the perinatologist! Quite the uneventful scan....which is as we all know often exactly what is needed to keep us going. Here are the results in bullets:
~ We did not get a weight measurement as the scan was to focus on the bio-rythems of bebe girl not the "size" per se. boo....but they said next US we will get a weight.
~ Bebe girl looked perfect as usual, and as usual the US technician commented on how cooperative she is.....I am still hoping that we don't use up all her cooperation before she arrives.
~ Heart rate was good, the cord blood flow looked good, her heart showed all four chambers, she was practice breathing again :)
~ Amniotic fluid levels were good, I asked if movement gets more restricted if the fluid is low, and they said yes usually, so as she is a crazy active girl, I figured as much.
~ The US tech was looking at her head placement etc....and she commented on all of her hair. This scan certainly makes it look like she has so much hair compared to when we first saw the hair a month ago....wondering if it will be really thick when she arrives, or if it just looks thick.
~ She is head down as always, which is great. Her legs and feet are currently tucked up and she has her feet flat against the uterus wall, firmly on my gallbladder and against my ribs LOL. But that hasn't been too painful, when she starts digging into my ribs, I usually rub on the outside and she will squirm away.
~ The peri said she looks great and there is no concern about her health. I told him about the contractions and my meds. He said he would recommend stopping the meds at 36 weeks just like what the OB said. He seemed much less concerned about the contractions than my OB, he said "some women just contract, as long as you are not uncomfortable" which I liked.
~ My BP was good, I gave them readings from the past 10 days and the nurse was very happy with them. That coupled with a negative 24 hour screen, no swelling, no headaches etc.....means so far we are doing great. The peri is very satisfied with my health (yay).
~ So, what's next? OB appt this Friday with the weekly NST test. I believe that I will be told to stop the meds this weekend as well, so it will be interesting to see what happens at that point. I think today the contractions are getting stronger/more frequent.....but it is hard to tell. Not complaining since they are not too painful which is another thing I am blessed with. Both peri and OB said bebe girl will be great if she arrives anythime after 36 weeks, so I am so happy and blessed about that!
currently waiting for the OB to call in a refill of my terbut.aline.....if she doesn't, it runs out tomrrow afternoon....at least I can call again tomorrow if noone called it in today....I hate the refill process, somehow it has to be made easier!
~ We did not get a weight measurement as the scan was to focus on the bio-rythems of bebe girl not the "size" per se. boo....but they said next US we will get a weight.
~ Bebe girl looked perfect as usual, and as usual the US technician commented on how cooperative she is.....I am still hoping that we don't use up all her cooperation before she arrives.
~ Heart rate was good, the cord blood flow looked good, her heart showed all four chambers, she was practice breathing again :)
~ Amniotic fluid levels were good, I asked if movement gets more restricted if the fluid is low, and they said yes usually, so as she is a crazy active girl, I figured as much.
~ The US tech was looking at her head placement etc....and she commented on all of her hair. This scan certainly makes it look like she has so much hair compared to when we first saw the hair a month ago....wondering if it will be really thick when she arrives, or if it just looks thick.
~ She is head down as always, which is great. Her legs and feet are currently tucked up and she has her feet flat against the uterus wall, firmly on my gallbladder and against my ribs LOL. But that hasn't been too painful, when she starts digging into my ribs, I usually rub on the outside and she will squirm away.
~ The peri said she looks great and there is no concern about her health. I told him about the contractions and my meds. He said he would recommend stopping the meds at 36 weeks just like what the OB said. He seemed much less concerned about the contractions than my OB, he said "some women just contract, as long as you are not uncomfortable" which I liked.
~ My BP was good, I gave them readings from the past 10 days and the nurse was very happy with them. That coupled with a negative 24 hour screen, no swelling, no headaches etc.....means so far we are doing great. The peri is very satisfied with my health (yay).
~ So, what's next? OB appt this Friday with the weekly NST test. I believe that I will be told to stop the meds this weekend as well, so it will be interesting to see what happens at that point. I think today the contractions are getting stronger/more frequent.....but it is hard to tell. Not complaining since they are not too painful which is another thing I am blessed with. Both peri and OB said bebe girl will be great if she arrives anythime after 36 weeks, so I am so happy and blessed about that!
currently waiting for the OB to call in a refill of my terbut.aline.....if she doesn't, it runs out tomrrow afternoon....at least I can call again tomorrow if noone called it in today....I hate the refill process, somehow it has to be made easier!
Monday, January 18, 2010
update on contra.ctions
I was neglectful and did not update following my OB appointment last Friday, so I will do it now, and then tomorrow I go to the pernatologist for another growth scan.
So on Friday:
~ we found that I am still having contractions approximately every 20 minutes, even on the medication. the contractions friday were much stronger on the monitor than last week in the hospital.
~ this led to uping my medication to 2.5mg every 4 hours....all day/night. so my alarm is set for 2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm.....yay.
~ this increase in meds has not changed the frequency of my contractions....
~ the contractions are still not affecting my cervix, thankfully. So it was decided we would continue as is.
~ The OB took more swabs for amniotic fluid- negative, and Group B strep....haven't heard yet.
~ My BP was up at the office the way it normally is, but with all the stress of the checks etc....it was 160/100 on one arm, and then 151/90 on the other....boo. but at home it is never that high.....I carrry my readings to show her :) so they sat me in the waiting room....i did my breathing exercises and got it down to 133/85 in less than 5 minutes.....so I could go home. I take BP very seriously and check at least twice per day......never over 125/80 at home.
~ 24 hour urine test showed negative for protein :) so that coupled with my good home BP is allowing the OB to believe that home rest, but not bed rest, is acceptable.
~ The current plan is to remain on the meds for the contractions until 36 weeks, and then stop. She is thinking that I will probably go into labor shortly after that (but I could not....labor is funny that way I guess).
~ The current plan could radically change if the perinatologist finds anything questionable tomorrow. The OB said if bebe is not growing properly, amniotic fluid is low, palcenta is not working well, etc....they could say we need to deliver now.....so tomorrow is a big day. If I pass tomorrow then I get to stay on meds until at least 36 weeks.....I would like to have her bake longer as long as is safe for us both.
~ If her movement is any indicator....I am guessing she is getting plenty of nurishment, oxygen and there is enough amniotic fluid for her to be extremely squirmy all day/night.....so I am thinking this is a good thing.
I tell J. that my personal goal is to get her to February....I know our due date is 2/20.....but I would be very happy to see her birthday be in February....that means 13 more days....hoping that we get there! (or even past...the OBs goal before the preterm labor was 39 weeks; she now doesn't think we will get close)
So on Friday:
~ we found that I am still having contractions approximately every 20 minutes, even on the medication. the contractions friday were much stronger on the monitor than last week in the hospital.
~ this led to uping my medication to 2.5mg every 4 hours....all day/night. so my alarm is set for 2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm.....yay.
~ this increase in meds has not changed the frequency of my contractions....
~ the contractions are still not affecting my cervix, thankfully. So it was decided we would continue as is.
~ The OB took more swabs for amniotic fluid- negative, and Group B strep....haven't heard yet.
~ My BP was up at the office the way it normally is, but with all the stress of the checks etc....it was 160/100 on one arm, and then 151/90 on the other....boo. but at home it is never that high.....I carrry my readings to show her :) so they sat me in the waiting room....i did my breathing exercises and got it down to 133/85 in less than 5 minutes.....so I could go home. I take BP very seriously and check at least twice per day......never over 125/80 at home.
~ 24 hour urine test showed negative for protein :) so that coupled with my good home BP is allowing the OB to believe that home rest, but not bed rest, is acceptable.
~ The current plan is to remain on the meds for the contractions until 36 weeks, and then stop. She is thinking that I will probably go into labor shortly after that (but I could not....labor is funny that way I guess).
~ The current plan could radically change if the perinatologist finds anything questionable tomorrow. The OB said if bebe is not growing properly, amniotic fluid is low, palcenta is not working well, etc....they could say we need to deliver now.....so tomorrow is a big day. If I pass tomorrow then I get to stay on meds until at least 36 weeks.....I would like to have her bake longer as long as is safe for us both.
~ If her movement is any indicator....I am guessing she is getting plenty of nurishment, oxygen and there is enough amniotic fluid for her to be extremely squirmy all day/night.....so I am thinking this is a good thing.
I tell J. that my personal goal is to get her to February....I know our due date is 2/20.....but I would be very happy to see her birthday be in February....that means 13 more days....hoping that we get there! (or even past...the OBs goal before the preterm labor was 39 weeks; she now doesn't think we will get close)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
too quiet.....mama?
I have to share a funny story.
As we have had such fun times the past few weeks, I have been more aware of everything bebe girl does and doesn'd do. She was pretty active all day yesterday and had an extreme kickfest in the middle of the night.
This morning she was pretty quiet. Still moving but not very violently, and not as often. Now, I do realize as she gets bigger, her movements get more restricted but it seemed weird as yesterday was so different.
So I pull out my doppler, which gets used less and less now days and listen. Yep her HB sounds the same up in the 140s, and after some OJ up in 150s and 160s. Still it is not the same. I lay down, and easily get to 10 within the hour, in fact, I get to over 30 within the hour....so I know she is fine, but still the movements were soft? not sure that is the right word.
I had to run to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and so I shower and head out. It is still on my mind, but not worried. You know when you get in the car?.....and you start talking to either yourself or the other "bad" drivers? well I did....and OMG....there is bebe girl. LOL....I realized that she might have been missing my voice as since J. has been gone, I have had little reason to talk the past 24 hours. Of course I have been on the phone once or twice, but pretty short conversations, the doctor's office, etc....I think bebe girl was waiting for me to talk. So I talked all the way to the pharmacy and back, talking and singing with the radio....and she was kicking and squirming the whole way, like normal LOL. silly bebe girl, doesn't she realize that even if I am quiet, I am still here!
So, I will do a little reading outloud this evening and in the mornings.....so she knows when it is daytime and when it is nighttime. maybe all in my head, but I feel better.
As we have had such fun times the past few weeks, I have been more aware of everything bebe girl does and doesn'd do. She was pretty active all day yesterday and had an extreme kickfest in the middle of the night.
This morning she was pretty quiet. Still moving but not very violently, and not as often. Now, I do realize as she gets bigger, her movements get more restricted but it seemed weird as yesterday was so different.
So I pull out my doppler, which gets used less and less now days and listen. Yep her HB sounds the same up in the 140s, and after some OJ up in 150s and 160s. Still it is not the same. I lay down, and easily get to 10 within the hour, in fact, I get to over 30 within the hour....so I know she is fine, but still the movements were soft? not sure that is the right word.
I had to run to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and so I shower and head out. It is still on my mind, but not worried. You know when you get in the car?.....and you start talking to either yourself or the other "bad" drivers? well I did....and OMG....there is bebe girl. LOL....I realized that she might have been missing my voice as since J. has been gone, I have had little reason to talk the past 24 hours. Of course I have been on the phone once or twice, but pretty short conversations, the doctor's office, etc....I think bebe girl was waiting for me to talk. So I talked all the way to the pharmacy and back, talking and singing with the radio....and she was kicking and squirming the whole way, like normal LOL. silly bebe girl, doesn't she realize that even if I am quiet, I am still here!
So, I will do a little reading outloud this evening and in the mornings.....so she knows when it is daytime and when it is nighttime. maybe all in my head, but I feel better.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
34 weeks
How Far Along? 34 weeks
Total Weight Gained/Loss? 20 pounds
Maternity Clothes: Yes, and still loving the cords. I thought I would not like the under the belly pants, or that they would fall off....but I love them, so my advice, try all the styles, you never know!
Sleep: Pretty good, I have found since starting the terbu.taline for the contractions....I am sleeping better. maybe because it makes you drowsy....maybe because it is making the contractions smoother and they were waking me up? I don't know.
Best Moment of the Week: Well it has been quite the week....but I guess learning that my cervix is closed and long despite days (and weeks?) of contractions. I also loved our maternity shoot that was before we found out about the contractions :)
Movement: Yes, all the time.
Food Craving: No.
Food aversions: No.
Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!
Gender: It is a GIRL!
Labor Signs: LOL....well all those nos that I have been writing probably should have been yes's....but still not trully feeling all those contractions. Taking terbu.taline every 6 hours to help calm the uterus, but still having them.
Belly Button: Still in, maybe it won't pop.....hmmm.
Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)
Wedding rings: still on
Exercise: not allowed anymore because ot the contractions :(
What I miss: nothing really!
What I'm looking forward to: J. returning from his trip out of the country....come on Saturday. and next growth US on 1/19. and then ....stoppping the meds at 36 weeks.
Other NEW news this week: Monday, I had my follow up to the L&D (friday) visit, and while I did need to drink some juice to get bebe girl going on the NST....she looked good, the contractions are still continuing but not as strong thanks to the drug, and my cervix was still long and closed! so J. went on his trip....to return Saturday night.
Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly. I am a little sad that this may end early, but excited to meet bebe!
Favorite item bought this week: These darling little shoes from etsy. I <3 etsy.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
My friday adventure
I had an OB and NST appointment for Friday morning. I showed up for my 9am appt at 8:55 and proceeded to have to wait until after 9:45 to be seen. This is not usual for the office so I wasn't to upset about it. I saw the doctor for the usual, and everything was fine. BP was a little high, but it was fine at home just before I left, and my cuff has been checked and is accurate so the doctor and I are not worried. She said the NST had been left off my appt, and someone else was using the machine so maybe I could just come back on Monday. I really didn't want to as I feel like I have a million appts already so I asked if I could just wait since I knew that the women had gone in over 30 minutes before so she was probably soon to be done. The doctor said yes. so I only had to wait about 10 minutes :)
While in my appt I mentioned to the doctor that I had definitely been having BH contractions and I was occasionally feeling some dull cramping lower down, maybe once or twice per day.
So they hook me up to the machine and explain what I need to do. The funny thing was before they hooked me up, I said I think the baby has hiccups right now, and when the nurse hooked it up, she laughed and said, yep she does. It was funny hearing these loud hiccups every few seconds. They lasted about 10 minutes but they were so distracting LOL.
The nurse left and I settled in. As I was sitting there, pressing the button when I felt her move (which at first was hard with the hiccups) and listening to her HB, watching the machine that records the HB, I noticed the other number being recorded, I wasn't told what it was but from my research, I was pretty sure it was monitoring to see if I was having contractions.....I watch the number on that move from 6-7 up to 45 and different points.....when the number was high, I could feel the tightening of my uterus....so hmmmm. When the doctor comes in after 30 minutes, she looks at the paper, looks at me and says, are you feeling those? I said nothing painful but yes tightening.....i am having contractions, real ones....oh, wow, not what I expected.
So the doctor says she needs to do an exam, speculum and all, she does swabs for amniotic fluid just in case and does a swab for FFN for me to take to L&D....oh boy, I have to go to the hospital. Before I leave, she tells me the amnio swab is clear so that is good. She also says that I am closed and long....yes, that is good!
I leave and head to the hospital, eating a granola bar on the way as I am thinking hmm I could be there a while. I call Jack and tell him, but tell him I don't think there is anything to worry about, stay at work and I will call if anything changes. He is a good husband and does as I say....I think that is good :)
When I arrive at the hospital, they are expecting me and take me to the prescreening room where they intake the pregnant women and hook me up to the machines. They take another urine sample, tons of blood and and get the monitors going. Shockingly, my BP at the hospital is 108/65....LOL I told my nurse Amy, that I must not be scared of the hospital like I am at the OB.
At first the contractions are pretty mild according to the machine....the other doctor from my office says it is looking like irritable uterus not contractions. but they are very constant. (i am not really feeling them, I feel like I have the past few weeks LOL) But as I sit there, the machine is showing them stronger and longer and more often.....so they send another doctor to do another internal, this one with manually ....yeah, not, but not too bad. She says, closed long and soft so the contractions are having no effect on my cervix. They then decide to give me a shot to stop them, i think it is called brethnel(sp?) so another nurse gives it to me because Amy is on lunch....Amy comes back in 20 minutes and looks at the monitor and paper, she asked if I had the shot, I said yes why, how fast should it work? she said it should work immediately and it had been 20 minutes with no change.
I ended up with 3 injections.....with no change in the contractions. Around 5:45pm....yes I left my house at 8:30am, my doctor, who I saw at the office shows up. She asks how I am feeling etc....I say the same because it is true. I am not uncomfortable, except for the triage bed. and to me I have felt this way for weeks.
She does another internal....3rd today, and this time ouchies......but she says the same, long, closed, soft....and backwards? I think this is the best as it needs to come forward to start dilating? anyway, now they have confirmed that I have had contractions for over 10 hours with no effect on my cervix, and the surprising thing is that they are unable to stop them....they have been able to reduce them somewhat (after the 3 shots) but they are not stopping.
She goes thru the different things we could do, steriods, bed rest, oral meds like the injections etc..... finally it is decided that I will go home with oral meds every 4-6 hours to try and stop/reduce the contractions. I am to not walk on my treadmill anymore :( LOL. that does make me sad, but I am dealing, and to take it easy, not bedrest since bedrest didn't help all day any way.
I am to call monday morning to the office and go in for another internal to see if the weekend made any change to my cervix (or in worst case, if I feel more contractions etc go to the hosipital today). If after the weekend, everything looks the same. The protocol will be, take the medication for two more weeks until we reach 36 weeks and then stop the meds and let nature take its course, hoping to go into labor naturally sometime between 36-38 weeks. This will allow bebe girl to have fully developed lungs and be ready to go.
So I finally left the hospital at 7pm.....Jack arrived at 6pm as I had texted him at 4:30 and said, you may as well come here after work since I think I will still be here. So all day.....watching tv at the hospital LOL, without a computer. From now on I am taking my netbook to all my appts as they have free wifi there :)
The great news is that during the entire time, bebe girl was doing awesome. Her heartrate was strong, fluctuating with movement as it should. She was kicking like crazy, trying to get those darn monitors off her space :P LOL. So they are not worried about her.
Then Saturday, we had our shower.....it was great and we got lots of cool stuff. While I probably did more than I should have, bad Dawn.....today I feel fine (well like usual LOL) and have nothing on my agenda,
I am really not worried as my doctor was awesome and they are really taking care of me.....my BP was great during the whole hospital stay, bebe girl was great, and we are taking it one day at a time. The only thing that it did do was make me realize that we are CLOSE....and I need to get everything completed (slowly and carefully) so I have some lists to help with that, my goal is for bebe girl to arrive in February.....so that means she needs to stay put for 3 more weeks.
***next up, my 34 week update
While in my appt I mentioned to the doctor that I had definitely been having BH contractions and I was occasionally feeling some dull cramping lower down, maybe once or twice per day.
So they hook me up to the machine and explain what I need to do. The funny thing was before they hooked me up, I said I think the baby has hiccups right now, and when the nurse hooked it up, she laughed and said, yep she does. It was funny hearing these loud hiccups every few seconds. They lasted about 10 minutes but they were so distracting LOL.
The nurse left and I settled in. As I was sitting there, pressing the button when I felt her move (which at first was hard with the hiccups) and listening to her HB, watching the machine that records the HB, I noticed the other number being recorded, I wasn't told what it was but from my research, I was pretty sure it was monitoring to see if I was having contractions.....I watch the number on that move from 6-7 up to 45 and different points.....when the number was high, I could feel the tightening of my uterus....so hmmmm. When the doctor comes in after 30 minutes, she looks at the paper, looks at me and says, are you feeling those? I said nothing painful but yes tightening.....i am having contractions, real ones....oh, wow, not what I expected.
So the doctor says she needs to do an exam, speculum and all, she does swabs for amniotic fluid just in case and does a swab for FFN for me to take to L&D....oh boy, I have to go to the hospital. Before I leave, she tells me the amnio swab is clear so that is good. She also says that I am closed and long....yes, that is good!
I leave and head to the hospital, eating a granola bar on the way as I am thinking hmm I could be there a while. I call Jack and tell him, but tell him I don't think there is anything to worry about, stay at work and I will call if anything changes. He is a good husband and does as I say....I think that is good :)
When I arrive at the hospital, they are expecting me and take me to the prescreening room where they intake the pregnant women and hook me up to the machines. They take another urine sample, tons of blood and and get the monitors going. Shockingly, my BP at the hospital is 108/65....LOL I told my nurse Amy, that I must not be scared of the hospital like I am at the OB.
At first the contractions are pretty mild according to the machine....the other doctor from my office says it is looking like irritable uterus not contractions. but they are very constant. (i am not really feeling them, I feel like I have the past few weeks LOL) But as I sit there, the machine is showing them stronger and longer and more often.....so they send another doctor to do another internal, this one with manually ....yeah, not, but not too bad. She says, closed long and soft so the contractions are having no effect on my cervix. They then decide to give me a shot to stop them, i think it is called brethnel(sp?) so another nurse gives it to me because Amy is on lunch....Amy comes back in 20 minutes and looks at the monitor and paper, she asked if I had the shot, I said yes why, how fast should it work? she said it should work immediately and it had been 20 minutes with no change.
I ended up with 3 injections.....with no change in the contractions. Around 5:45pm....yes I left my house at 8:30am, my doctor, who I saw at the office shows up. She asks how I am feeling etc....I say the same because it is true. I am not uncomfortable, except for the triage bed. and to me I have felt this way for weeks.
She does another internal....3rd today, and this time ouchies......but she says the same, long, closed, soft....and backwards? I think this is the best as it needs to come forward to start dilating? anyway, now they have confirmed that I have had contractions for over 10 hours with no effect on my cervix, and the surprising thing is that they are unable to stop them....they have been able to reduce them somewhat (after the 3 shots) but they are not stopping.
She goes thru the different things we could do, steriods, bed rest, oral meds like the injections etc..... finally it is decided that I will go home with oral meds every 4-6 hours to try and stop/reduce the contractions. I am to not walk on my treadmill anymore :( LOL. that does make me sad, but I am dealing, and to take it easy, not bedrest since bedrest didn't help all day any way.
I am to call monday morning to the office and go in for another internal to see if the weekend made any change to my cervix (or in worst case, if I feel more contractions etc go to the hosipital today). If after the weekend, everything looks the same. The protocol will be, take the medication for two more weeks until we reach 36 weeks and then stop the meds and let nature take its course, hoping to go into labor naturally sometime between 36-38 weeks. This will allow bebe girl to have fully developed lungs and be ready to go.
So I finally left the hospital at 7pm.....Jack arrived at 6pm as I had texted him at 4:30 and said, you may as well come here after work since I think I will still be here. So all day.....watching tv at the hospital LOL, without a computer. From now on I am taking my netbook to all my appts as they have free wifi there :)
The great news is that during the entire time, bebe girl was doing awesome. Her heartrate was strong, fluctuating with movement as it should. She was kicking like crazy, trying to get those darn monitors off her space :P LOL. So they are not worried about her.
Then Saturday, we had our shower.....it was great and we got lots of cool stuff. While I probably did more than I should have, bad Dawn.....today I feel fine (well like usual LOL) and have nothing on my agenda,
I am really not worried as my doctor was awesome and they are really taking care of me.....my BP was great during the whole hospital stay, bebe girl was great, and we are taking it one day at a time. The only thing that it did do was make me realize that we are CLOSE....and I need to get everything completed (slowly and carefully) so I have some lists to help with that, my goal is for bebe girl to arrive in February.....so that means she needs to stay put for 3 more weeks.
***next up, my 34 week update
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Further thoughts.
**This was written Thursday night/Friday morning, with the intention of posting first thing Friday....my reasons for not posting until now are a new post for tomorrow :)
Last night, as I lay on the sofa, after another particularly bad (losing) fight with acid reflux (and not wanting to keep J awake past midnight on a work night) I lay in the semidarkness reading your responses to my last post. I felt them wash over me with kindness and without judgement as I felt bebe girl comforting me with her movements.
I honestly don't know what I expected after I wrote the post yesterday. I know that I still can't read through it without choking.
I find it fascinating, even shocking, how many of us quietly fight this fight. How many fight this fear of repetition. Like many of my commenters, I have come across those who have told me that I am destined to repeat these things. One man I dated said he would never ever marry someone with my story. He said I would have no idea how to do things "right". I told him I didn't think I could ever marry someone who had never gone through what I have been through because they would never recognize when things were wrong....that they didn't, couldn't possibly know how to make things right. I guess both he and I were right about one thing, we would never marry LOL.
I waited such a long time to marry J. Not in the sense that I made him wait, but in the sense that first I had to learn to love me. Every part of me. The part that lies here crying in the dark. The part that still gets angry thinking of those who would dismiss me and others with my experiences. The part that finished my bachelor's and is working towards my masters, while developing a career that I am proud of. The part willing to put that on hold and devote the next few years to this bebe girl who will be walking around carrying my heart. I love all of me. And because of that I was able to find someone who loves all of me too.
I am not destined to relive my mother's lif.I have already broken that cycle. At 40, I am married to the one love of my life, carrying the second love of my life and I can give more love than I can imagine. In return, I am loved.
I am sure that many of you are wondering who is this person writing this.....so different from my daily writings. I am still just me, still the light-hearted girl making my way in the world.....but now you know just a bit of the shadow that I (and many others) carry under that light. Thank you for your support, it means the world.
Last night, as I lay on the sofa, after another particularly bad (losing) fight with acid reflux (and not wanting to keep J awake past midnight on a work night) I lay in the semidarkness reading your responses to my last post. I felt them wash over me with kindness and without judgement as I felt bebe girl comforting me with her movements.
I honestly don't know what I expected after I wrote the post yesterday. I know that I still can't read through it without choking.
I find it fascinating, even shocking, how many of us quietly fight this fight. How many fight this fear of repetition. Like many of my commenters, I have come across those who have told me that I am destined to repeat these things. One man I dated said he would never ever marry someone with my story. He said I would have no idea how to do things "right". I told him I didn't think I could ever marry someone who had never gone through what I have been through because they would never recognize when things were wrong....that they didn't, couldn't possibly know how to make things right. I guess both he and I were right about one thing, we would never marry LOL.
I waited such a long time to marry J. Not in the sense that I made him wait, but in the sense that first I had to learn to love me. Every part of me. The part that lies here crying in the dark. The part that still gets angry thinking of those who would dismiss me and others with my experiences. The part that finished my bachelor's and is working towards my masters, while developing a career that I am proud of. The part willing to put that on hold and devote the next few years to this bebe girl who will be walking around carrying my heart. I love all of me. And because of that I was able to find someone who loves all of me too.
I am not destined to relive my mother's lif.I have already broken that cycle. At 40, I am married to the one love of my life, carrying the second love of my life and I can give more love than I can imagine. In return, I am loved.
I am sure that many of you are wondering who is this person writing this.....so different from my daily writings. I am still just me, still the light-hearted girl making my way in the world.....but now you know just a bit of the shadow that I (and many others) carry under that light. Thank you for your support, it means the world.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
a little history
As bebe girl's birthday approaches, I start to think more and more what kind of mother I want to be, and even more what kind of mother I will be....I know that intentions and dreams must be worked on and pursued to become realities.
As all women probably do, I look to my relationship with my mother as a starting point. It is the closest relationship that many people have their entire lives. In this case, it scares me, it keeps me up at night. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother. She is afterall, my mother. But I do not ever, ever want my daughter to sit, 34 weeks pregnant and think, that is NOT the relationship i want with my child.
A little back story:
My mom married my dad young, she was 18. She got pregnant in August and I was born 2 days before she turned 20.....not exceptionally young, but young enough. My parents divorced before I turned 1, and we moved in with my grandparents for the next few (3?4?) years. Those are the years that really saved me :)
From there, my mom's life (thus my life) was pretty ________ (i can't even find a word....but when I do I will come back and fill this in).
She married my sister's father when I was 6 1/2, and my sister was born a year later. I am not sure exactly when they divorced, sometime when I was 8? Babies and marriages did not work out for her.
She (we) then lived with another man, for while....he wanted to marry her, but she decided not to. He later killed himself, within the next year (he was not living with us then). Surprisingly (or not), he was the only one that I truly liked.
She then married another man, when I was 10. This guy was a real piece of work. He was an alcoholic, did drugs (as a child I have no idea what kind, still don't want to know). He called radio stations every day trying to win prizes....he never worked. He was not allowed into my grandfather's house (which was two doors down the street) because prior to marrying my mom, he dated and abused her cousin. What a winner right? They fought of course all the time, but I was never abused physically (who knows emotionally), and I sought refuge from my grandparents.....after all he wasn't allowed in, so my mother had to come and get me and force me home when she wanted to see me. They divorced within about 4-5 months.
Then from there, she took a break. I know she dated, and we met one or two but there was no man living in our house for almost 6 years! It was a nice break. Until I discovered that she was having an affair (years long) with a man from our church and our group of horse friends (we all went horseback riding on the trails). I actually caught them during my sophomore year in high school.....came home early from a trip. What I felt could ONLY be described as disappointment, on a very deep level, I had hoped that she had changed that she was someone who I could admire.
Around the same time I discovered the affair, his wife also discovered the affair. And she decided to divorce him. He had all along told my mother that he would never leave his wife.....but now it seemed he had no choice in the matter. So they decided to get married.
In addition to marrying, they decided they could not live in Kan.sas any more, so they decided to move to California, where he had been stationed years ago. So without further ado, they moved to CA, my sister and I moved in with our grandparents to finish the school year (my junior year) and then were expected to be shipped out to CA when school ended. Thus my senior year, was spent in a new school/town/and state. can you say, sucked? But this too would pass.
Within a year of my graduation, they decided that the liberal state of CA was not for them, and so before I turned 19, they decided to move back to the midwest (MO to be exact), a tiny tiny town with no college, no industry, nada. So at this point, I decided to jump off the carousel....I couldn't do it any more. (in my short synopsis, i didn't detail all of the many moves, schools etc....that i endured). So at 18, I was alone in CA, working a full time and part time job to pay the rent and all other expenses, and going to a community college full time. I had been talked out of going to the 4 year university that I had been accepted to and ha scholarships and loans for, prior to them telling me they were leaving.....they told me I should stay home save money, go to CC. yeah, that worked out. Any way, I was on my own.
And shockingly stable and happy. Even though school was not going as fast as I wanted, I was a hard worker and the restaurant where I worked (since I first moved to CA) loved me. They gave me a decent wage, paid vacations, and a place to belong.
I could make this story go on and on, but instead, let me reroute this story back to my relationship with my mom, I know you were thinking that I had gotten lost in the past, right?
Along the way, I started dating a man, he was 1/2 white, 1/2 black. german mother and african american father. Good guy, we ended up dating for almost 5 years. During that time, it came out that he was of "mixed heritage" omg! my mother and stepfather were very very upset about this and it quickly became a situation where I never spoke to them. I was furious as my mother had in my humble opinion, made such poor poor decisions regarding men, and she felt she had a right to judge him only on his race. Never considering that he was kind and he loved me. Eventually I outgrew him, that happens to many of us when we start young, but I have never ever regretted that relationship. But the thing that had happened is that some how....5 years had passed since I had talked to or heard from my mom......5 years of no phone calls, no letters, no birthday cards....NOTHING. from a mother.....because of skin color and no other reason. I have often tried to find any other explanation, a fight, cruel things I said, something....but there is nothing.
I had not spoken or heard from my mom in 5 years. While I do realize that some blame lies with me....she was after all my mom. I expected more.
One day, I called my grandmother's house and my mom answered! shock at hearing her voice after all that time.....I said "hi mom, can I talk to grandma?" what else could I say? .....she said "who is this?".....seriously? seriously? I said the only thing that came to mind (I have always been a bit sarcastic) I said "well, since I am guessing you are with one of your daughters, this must be the other daughter" she said "hold on" and got my grandmother....and that was it. eventually the relationship turned back into once a year calls and rare cards, not for my birthday or christmas, but once a year I might hear from her.....I always sent her birthday cards, xmas cards etc....
The key to our relationship is that as much as I am willing to extend she is willing to take, but she is never willing to give of herself. She is, I have slowly decided pathologically selfish. She will never give of herself, she will gladly take anything anyone will give. She is like this with friends, men, me, my sister....everyone.
To wrap up the rest, eventually she divorced what was my 3rd stepfather, and he almost killed her (he had a loaded gun) and remarried again almost 10 years ago....shockingly, he is relatively normal and he seems to really like my sister and I. I am friendly to him, but what can you do? I don't truly believe he will be around forever. She is not that nice to him. He is her 5th husband, I think she is his 5th wife.....
So, if you are still with me, I am going to skip all the drama I could add, it would bore you to tears, but here is where we are.
When we told everyone, I personally called my mother to tell her about bebe. She has wanted to be a grandmother for a long time and she had finally given up on me (which was fine). She was so happy, invited herself out for the birth etc....We had also invited her along on our planned trip to Ireland. The trip was during our 16th week I believe.
The Ireland trip went well, it was us, my mom, J's parents and J's aunt/uncle. We returned and all seemed well......since then NOTHING. Not a call, not a letter, not a thank you for planning and executing the entire trip.....not a call to see how I am doing, or even her granddaughter.....nothing. nothing in almost 20 weeks....
I can't even tell you how disappointed I am. I thought this one time, maybe just maybe, it could be about me. I could be enough for her to be interested in me or the combo of bebe girl and I would be enough....that it might be worth the effort. but no. I am not, she is not, we are not.
So why have I droned on and on? I am going to wrap this up somehow.....
I have the gift of being able to start a new cycle with bebe girl, and I want her to know every day how treasured she is. How much we wanted her, how no matter what we are there. I want her to think of me as her mother, her mentor, her friend, someone she can come to who will hold her, celebrate with, comfort if needed....I want to be what I missed.
I don't ever want her to feel that she isn't enough.
As all women probably do, I look to my relationship with my mother as a starting point. It is the closest relationship that many people have their entire lives. In this case, it scares me, it keeps me up at night. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother. She is afterall, my mother. But I do not ever, ever want my daughter to sit, 34 weeks pregnant and think, that is NOT the relationship i want with my child.
A little back story:
My mom married my dad young, she was 18. She got pregnant in August and I was born 2 days before she turned 20.....not exceptionally young, but young enough. My parents divorced before I turned 1, and we moved in with my grandparents for the next few (3?4?) years. Those are the years that really saved me :)
From there, my mom's life (thus my life) was pretty ________ (i can't even find a word....but when I do I will come back and fill this in).
She married my sister's father when I was 6 1/2, and my sister was born a year later. I am not sure exactly when they divorced, sometime when I was 8? Babies and marriages did not work out for her.
She (we) then lived with another man, for while....he wanted to marry her, but she decided not to. He later killed himself, within the next year (he was not living with us then). Surprisingly (or not), he was the only one that I truly liked.
She then married another man, when I was 10. This guy was a real piece of work. He was an alcoholic, did drugs (as a child I have no idea what kind, still don't want to know). He called radio stations every day trying to win prizes....he never worked. He was not allowed into my grandfather's house (which was two doors down the street) because prior to marrying my mom, he dated and abused her cousin. What a winner right? They fought of course all the time, but I was never abused physically (who knows emotionally), and I sought refuge from my grandparents.....after all he wasn't allowed in, so my mother had to come and get me and force me home when she wanted to see me. They divorced within about 4-5 months.
Then from there, she took a break. I know she dated, and we met one or two but there was no man living in our house for almost 6 years! It was a nice break. Until I discovered that she was having an affair (years long) with a man from our church and our group of horse friends (we all went horseback riding on the trails). I actually caught them during my sophomore year in high school.....came home early from a trip. What I felt could ONLY be described as disappointment, on a very deep level, I had hoped that she had changed that she was someone who I could admire.
Around the same time I discovered the affair, his wife also discovered the affair. And she decided to divorce him. He had all along told my mother that he would never leave his wife.....but now it seemed he had no choice in the matter. So they decided to get married.
In addition to marrying, they decided they could not live in Kan.sas any more, so they decided to move to California, where he had been stationed years ago. So without further ado, they moved to CA, my sister and I moved in with our grandparents to finish the school year (my junior year) and then were expected to be shipped out to CA when school ended. Thus my senior year, was spent in a new school/town/and state. can you say, sucked? But this too would pass.
Within a year of my graduation, they decided that the liberal state of CA was not for them, and so before I turned 19, they decided to move back to the midwest (MO to be exact), a tiny tiny town with no college, no industry, nada. So at this point, I decided to jump off the carousel....I couldn't do it any more. (in my short synopsis, i didn't detail all of the many moves, schools etc....that i endured). So at 18, I was alone in CA, working a full time and part time job to pay the rent and all other expenses, and going to a community college full time. I had been talked out of going to the 4 year university that I had been accepted to and ha scholarships and loans for, prior to them telling me they were leaving.....they told me I should stay home save money, go to CC. yeah, that worked out. Any way, I was on my own.
And shockingly stable and happy. Even though school was not going as fast as I wanted, I was a hard worker and the restaurant where I worked (since I first moved to CA) loved me. They gave me a decent wage, paid vacations, and a place to belong.
I could make this story go on and on, but instead, let me reroute this story back to my relationship with my mom, I know you were thinking that I had gotten lost in the past, right?
Along the way, I started dating a man, he was 1/2 white, 1/2 black. german mother and african american father. Good guy, we ended up dating for almost 5 years. During that time, it came out that he was of "mixed heritage" omg! my mother and stepfather were very very upset about this and it quickly became a situation where I never spoke to them. I was furious as my mother had in my humble opinion, made such poor poor decisions regarding men, and she felt she had a right to judge him only on his race. Never considering that he was kind and he loved me. Eventually I outgrew him, that happens to many of us when we start young, but I have never ever regretted that relationship. But the thing that had happened is that some how....5 years had passed since I had talked to or heard from my mom......5 years of no phone calls, no letters, no birthday cards....NOTHING. from a mother.....because of skin color and no other reason. I have often tried to find any other explanation, a fight, cruel things I said, something....but there is nothing.
I had not spoken or heard from my mom in 5 years. While I do realize that some blame lies with me....she was after all my mom. I expected more.
One day, I called my grandmother's house and my mom answered! shock at hearing her voice after all that time.....I said "hi mom, can I talk to grandma?" what else could I say? .....she said "who is this?".....seriously? seriously? I said the only thing that came to mind (I have always been a bit sarcastic) I said "well, since I am guessing you are with one of your daughters, this must be the other daughter" she said "hold on" and got my grandmother....and that was it. eventually the relationship turned back into once a year calls and rare cards, not for my birthday or christmas, but once a year I might hear from her.....I always sent her birthday cards, xmas cards etc....
The key to our relationship is that as much as I am willing to extend she is willing to take, but she is never willing to give of herself. She is, I have slowly decided pathologically selfish. She will never give of herself, she will gladly take anything anyone will give. She is like this with friends, men, me, my sister....everyone.
To wrap up the rest, eventually she divorced what was my 3rd stepfather, and he almost killed her (he had a loaded gun) and remarried again almost 10 years ago....shockingly, he is relatively normal and he seems to really like my sister and I. I am friendly to him, but what can you do? I don't truly believe he will be around forever. She is not that nice to him. He is her 5th husband, I think she is his 5th wife.....
So, if you are still with me, I am going to skip all the drama I could add, it would bore you to tears, but here is where we are.
When we told everyone, I personally called my mother to tell her about bebe. She has wanted to be a grandmother for a long time and she had finally given up on me (which was fine). She was so happy, invited herself out for the birth etc....We had also invited her along on our planned trip to Ireland. The trip was during our 16th week I believe.
The Ireland trip went well, it was us, my mom, J's parents and J's aunt/uncle. We returned and all seemed well......since then NOTHING. Not a call, not a letter, not a thank you for planning and executing the entire trip.....not a call to see how I am doing, or even her granddaughter.....nothing. nothing in almost 20 weeks....
I can't even tell you how disappointed I am. I thought this one time, maybe just maybe, it could be about me. I could be enough for her to be interested in me or the combo of bebe girl and I would be enough....that it might be worth the effort. but no. I am not, she is not, we are not.
So why have I droned on and on? I am going to wrap this up somehow.....
I have the gift of being able to start a new cycle with bebe girl, and I want her to know every day how treasured she is. How much we wanted her, how no matter what we are there. I want her to think of me as her mother, her mentor, her friend, someone she can come to who will hold her, celebrate with, comfort if needed....I want to be what I missed.
I don't ever want her to feel that she isn't enough.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Happy new year!
I am a bit late with my warmest wishes for the new year for all. I truly pray that your dreams are realized in the coming year!
There is not a lot going on here, but I will give you an update in bullets.
~We had another US today, and bebe girl's growth was perfect! She gained one pound in the two weeks between visits. So she is now estimated at 4lbs 6oz. She was also doing her practice breathing which was pretty cool to watch. The tech actually had to wait for her to stop so she could do all of her measurements. Our next US is in 2 weeks. oh, and my BP was 120/71....whew.
~ We have an OB appointment on Friday. During this one, we start the Non Stress Tests for bebe girl. I think we will be going every week and having the NST every time from this appt forward.
~ I was asked about the maternity cords (they are J brand) that I mentioned in my last post, so I am posting the link to the site where I learned of them. I love this site as it is a blog specifically for pregnant "fashionistas" LOL....I am not a fashionista, but I don't mind spending money for certain items especially if they meet expectations. I have spent money on maternity jeans/cords because they are almost all i wear.....but my tops are mostly the shortsleeve, longsleeve, and tanks from Target.....cheap! So here is the link to The Pregnant Fashionista
~ We put the stroller and carseat together and they are now sitting in the hallway.....somehow it makes this all a little more real.
~ My shower is this weekend....finally.
~ We are scheduled to do the one day childbirth class on Jan 24.....now bebe girl needs to stay put until at least that point. (which is 36w1d)....I fully believe that she will. I think I will sign up for the February 4 breastfeeding class....they only have the one choice, but think I could use the face to face support.
~ J is going out of the country next week.....which is of course, why I worry about any early appearances....he will be back on Saturday, 35weeks exactly. Bebe girl does not want to arrive when her papa isn't there....I am sure of it.
~ Otherwise, things here are moving along smoothly. I am feeling good and have no complaints!
There is not a lot going on here, but I will give you an update in bullets.
~We had another US today, and bebe girl's growth was perfect! She gained one pound in the two weeks between visits. So she is now estimated at 4lbs 6oz. She was also doing her practice breathing which was pretty cool to watch. The tech actually had to wait for her to stop so she could do all of her measurements. Our next US is in 2 weeks. oh, and my BP was 120/71....whew.
~ We have an OB appointment on Friday. During this one, we start the Non Stress Tests for bebe girl. I think we will be going every week and having the NST every time from this appt forward.
~ I was asked about the maternity cords (they are J brand) that I mentioned in my last post, so I am posting the link to the site where I learned of them. I love this site as it is a blog specifically for pregnant "fashionistas" LOL....I am not a fashionista, but I don't mind spending money for certain items especially if they meet expectations. I have spent money on maternity jeans/cords because they are almost all i wear.....but my tops are mostly the shortsleeve, longsleeve, and tanks from Target.....cheap! So here is the link to The Pregnant Fashionista
~ We put the stroller and carseat together and they are now sitting in the hallway.....somehow it makes this all a little more real.
~ My shower is this weekend....finally.
~ We are scheduled to do the one day childbirth class on Jan 24.....now bebe girl needs to stay put until at least that point. (which is 36w1d)....I fully believe that she will. I think I will sign up for the February 4 breastfeeding class....they only have the one choice, but think I could use the face to face support.
~ J is going out of the country next week.....which is of course, why I worry about any early appearances....he will be back on Saturday, 35weeks exactly. Bebe girl does not want to arrive when her papa isn't there....I am sure of it.
~ Otherwise, things here are moving along smoothly. I am feeling good and have no complaints!
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