can you imagine?

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-11T11:46:00.001-04:00

moving :)

2011-05-04T14:39:00.002-04:00

sorry for the silence, i had no internet or tv for the past week....but some how i survived LOL. I was happy to have missed the royal wedding, and ok about missing the osa.ma news, fac.eb.ook has its' own way of keeping you informed and i still had access via my sm.artp.hone.

so i am back, living out of boxes but back. sneaking on here while the girl naps. I purposefully pushed her to one nap today and so far so good. She has slept about 2 hours with a few little wakeups that i smoothed over. She has been awesome at night in her new room, even without curtains! I put them up today, so hopefully she will sleep past sunrise tomorrow!

Eas.ter

2011-04-24T21:26:00.003-04:00

We were supposed to close on our new house, tomorrow, the day after Eas.ter, so we had planned to have a low key stay at home day. We went to a family party last weekend where we had an egg hunt so I didn't feel too bad about Willow's second Eas.ter being a disappointment. She found some eggs so she was happy. BUT, our closing has been delayed until Friday so we had a nice lazy day. The weather was perfect! We walked to the boardwalk and Willow and I took off our shoes and socks and walked barefoot. Back home and she took her morning nap. A little lunch and she was ready to go. She really really wanted to play in a puddle in front of our house, but it was pretty gross.....so instead I let her do this.....

Fun at the park

2011-04-23T15:13:00.001-04:00

oh how my girl loves to play. anything active and she is happy.....except the swings....she doesn't like to be "trapped" but headfirst down the slide? anytime!

Things I love Thursdays

2011-04-21T14:34:00.003-04:00

In an effort to keep up my string of blogging.....I want to put some structure to some of the days. This way I don't have to be "creative" every day, and you don't have to hear about W's latest adventure "every" day :)

So, I want to put together some of the things I love. What it is will vary widely; it might be something that helps me with W; it might be a new television program; it could be a new piece of clothing. It WILL be something I own, and paid for myself. No reviews of freebies here LOL.

Today:

I love Cadb.ury min.i eg.gs!! something about the crisp shell and the milk chocolate....mmmmmm! and they only come out at Easter (well, they do have a yummy xmas version) so I can only enjoy them for a short period of time ;)

W

2011-04-20T18:04:00.003-04:00

She looks so sweet and peaceful here; not like the crazy fearless monkey that she is 99% of the time.

a window

2011-04-19T09:52:00.002-04:00

Into a toddler's thoughts?

When we finally realized that we were indeed going to be parents, J and I wanted to sign with our child. We witnessed a friend's baby signing when we were out to lunch with them. She was around 16-18 months? and she was pointing to birds, signing bird. We thought how neat that was.....to see what she was seeing.

So around 4 months, I started signing with W. Just the basics, fully aware that she wouldn't be signing back, but I wanted to get into the habit. Around 6 months we started watching babysigningtimes videos together. One thing I will say is that she loved them from the start. She was captivated by the babies and children on the videos and the singing, oh the singing, my girl loves her music.

I was delighted when she started signing around 9 months, simple signs, more and milk....but she was communicating.

as she gets older, I find her personality leans towards impatient and she can get frustrated. the signing has helped me understand what is going on in her head. Toughest is when she wants something, but doesn't know the sign. she will fall back on a sign that she knows, even though it isn't what she means....that is tough LOL.

She has over 30 signs right now, ranging from milk,water and more to bird, dog, cat, music, please, thank you, flag, balloon, etc. i love having the technology of a smart phone to look up a sign when/where needed.

here are two small windows into the toddler's eyes:

1. at around 11 months, we were walking in the mall and W was slightly behind me taking it all in. I notice that she is signing "water" to me. thinking simply, i ask her if she wants a drink of water. she shakes her head and points down. she has noticed that someone has spilled water on the floor. something that didn't even register to me. she of course is much closer to it!

2. at 14 months, we are again walking in the mall. W is taking it all in as usual. She points to a boy. Again, I simply think "yes, that is a boy" but I watch her, and she is signing "train".....confused momnetarily I look back to the boy. and o course, he is carryng a thomas the train bag.....something that I did not originally note.....I am guessing that she would make a much better witness than I would, LOL. So instead of "yes that is a boy, or "you see a boy, I say "yes, the boy has a train bag" she smiles knowing that I understood what she was showing me ....even typing it makes my heart grow, remembering her satisfied smile.

these are two of many circumstances that have made me realize that without the "tool" of signing, I would never realize how complex the toddler (even baby) brain is so quickly. and how many details they take in that you would not think they catch. I know that children are sponges.....but how much they hold is amazing.

while I know that not everyone has the time/patience/interest in signing, i have found it wonderful and recommend it, even if you only plan on using a few signs! i am hoping to keep signing with her even as her vocabulary grows (we have about 7 spoken words right now, though she will mimic any word i ask her to say). I think of sign as our "secret" language. just W, J and I together :) we will see if my hopes materialize....but for now we are enjoying it!

still here.....coming back?

2011-04-16T11:46:00.002-04:00

SO she is 14 months now.....and so very much has changed. I love my life! and I still feel a connection to everyone that I met through our journey. I am coming back to the blogosphere.....albeit probably slowly and in fits and starts.....but I am coming. I want to document her life/my life/our life.....sorry I have been MIA!

Things I have learned in 6 weeks

2010-03-30T12:51:00.006-04:00

~Though I love my husband more than life.....you learn your true capacity for love as you watch your child growing.

~ Your child screaming affects you differently than any other child screaming.

~ My hair actually looks best the third day after a shampoo....seriously. I guess my hair is really dry :)

~ Getting up in the middle of the night is easier than I expected; it is the staying up past 10 that is hard for me.

~ The baby will cry as soon as you call someone or someone calls you....she might not cry at any other time that day, but she will cry then.

~ Everything takes 3 times as long when you are working with one arm/hand. That is if you get it done at all.

~ The to-do list sometimes looks exactly the same for days and days....and that is ok. (this is tough for a type A personality)

~ Even though I wanted this more than anything, it is ok to think "what have I done?"

~ This face....this perfect face means everything to me......

** these are some of the shots from our newborn photoshoot :)

poor baby

2010-03-23T15:59:00.002-04:00

My little W. has been under the weather the past few days. Her first case of the ick and honestly don't know where she picked it up....unless it was from the doctor's office and her well baby visit. booo.

She has had a temp of 99.5-100 for 4 days now. Tylenol has been helpful, but combined with a bit of constipation (which is being treated with prune juice as directed by the pediatrician) has made her quite miserable. The only solution is for me to hold her....if I do, she doesn't cry very much....if I don't she screams inconsolably. Fortunately she is starting to feel better, as evidenced by her sleeping in her swing/soother instead of on my chest at this very moment.

Very heart breaking to know that she feels icky and there is little I can do besides hold her. Because of her ick, I decided not to travel to NYC for 2 nights with my hubby...instead W and I will stay home. I thought being home with all of our normal stuff (the glider that she loves etc) would be more important than me being in NYC.....there will be another time :) but I am wondering how we will do on our own without the hubby around. I am guessing we will be just fine but a little lonely.

1 month appt

2010-03-19T15:54:00.002-04:00

Well, actually, 5 weeks but here goes:

W is now 20 3/4 inches. 45th percentile

W is 8lbs 5 oz. 45th percentile.

Ws head is 14 in. She has a little peanut head, 25th percentile.

She is doing great :) growing like weed and eating a lot....now I know why!

This picture makes me giggle. She is holding onto (and trying to eat) part of her gift from her uncle B. The gift is a cute jar full of stuffed bugs. The look on her face is as if she is caught in the act LOL.

visitors

2010-03-16T17:49:00.002-04:00

I have been tied up as my mother, sister and BIL have been visiting for 5 days.....I will be able to post about that tomorrow, but in the mean time, a gratuitous picture of my favorite girl.

happy birthday

2010-03-11T16:41:00.002-05:00

Happy one month birthday W!!

This is a picture of her most desired spot to sleep during the day....my lap :)

Her umbilical cord finally fell off yesterday! at 27 days, I was worried she would be wearing it to kindergarten.

milestones

2010-03-09T17:42:00.003-05:00

When babies are so small it seems like they are so very helpless; as if they will always be that way, then you notice them do something new. On W's 21st day, as she lay on the changing table....I was in for a treat.

I start to pick her up to go into the living room and as I do, she turns her head....to keep looking at the mobile over the changing table. I think to myself, no I didn't just see that, so I try it again. As I start to move her, she turns her head to keep looking at the mobile. I am so excited that I call J into confirm what I am seeing...and he does. W loves her mobile....the mobile that J said was "boring" as it didn't have music or a motor....mama was right this time :) Right now we are using the black and white cards, but there are also primary colored ones to change to as she gets older.

And for those who are wondering, I got the mobile from giggle.com and here is a picture....it is very affordable!

mommyhood

2010-03-08T15:12:00.002-05:00

I have to admit that I am struggling to find time to post here. I want to post every day and then something happens. Usually it is looking at W. and realizing that nothing is more important than holding her...or feeding her....or watching her sleep. LOL.

I am going to make a greater effort to post, even if it is a short post, or even a photo. I am also contemplating moving this blog to a more public blog that my family could follow. There are some posts here that I would not want some to read....but I can't decide. Perhaps I can move to wordpress and then I can make private certain posts....opinions from those who have done it....what worked for you?

We have been quite busy, W. has been to a few restaurants, had visitors, went with us to the dentist and the hair salon. She is truly a happy camper. The only time she fusses is when she needs something....who wouldn't fuss if they had a dirty diaper or were hungry?

we are still here!

2010-02-28T13:21:00.003-05:00

Wow, time certainly has flown. I posted our birth story and then haven't been able to catch up, every day I mean to....and then I think what is one more day LOL. Lots has happened since my last post, so I will try and bring the blog up to date.

The good:
~ Today W. is 17 days old! wow time flies!

~ W. finally started gaining weight as of her last appointment on 2/22, but she still is not back up to her birth weight. I am hoping that by our appointment on 3/2 she will be there. She was 6lb 7oz at 12 days (6lb 15oz at birth, had gone down to 6lb 1oz)

~ W. is a good baby. If she cries or is fussy, something is amiss, like she is hungry, wet, needs burping....otherwise, she has been so good.

~ I have lost all but about 4 pounds of the pregnancy weight....but I have about 10 pounds of fertility treatment weight to work on too....I am not trying to lose weight at this point, just noting for the record :)

~ Our maternity and newborn photos came out AWESOME....I will share once I get the files from the photographer :)

The bad:
~ After being in the hospital for 5 days for the birth, we came home on Monday....then had to go back into the hospital for 1 day on Friday/Saturday due to high bilirubin levels for W. Fortunately, she responded well to the light treatment and we were only there one day....but it sucked to have to overnight in the hospital again. Her bili level was 18.1 untreated, went to 15.4, 11.3, and then 10.1 after treatment. I know jaundice is common, it was just sad to see her in the isolette.

~ J. goes back to work tomorrow. It has been so wonderful having him here. He has been so wonderful both to me and to W. I also feel bad because he is not sleeping well.....he worries whether she is breathing (much more than I do). I think this is due to the fact that he lost a sibling to SIDs when he was little, but he was old enough to be able to remember seeing his mother crying that day.

~ there really isn't very much bad....we are so in love with our little squeeker monkey (LOL, my nickname for her) as she looks like a rhesus monkey and squeeks when she is crying, hungry etc....

Here is a short video I took with my Iphone (so excuse the quality) but it shows how sweet she is! This is how she responds when I blow softly in her face :)

30 minutes

2010-02-16T22:04:00.002-05:00

So I am going to attempt to write this down, not sure where to start so I will start and see where this goes,

Thursday the 11th started out as a normal day. It was day 2 of the snowstorm, but the snow ended early in the day. Jack's company decided to call another snow day because everyone was still trying to dig out from the huge amounts of snow that fell through the night.

We had lunch around 1:00 (soup and some cheese and crackers). And then we decided to go for a short walk up to the boardwalk (2 blocks) to see the snow on the ocean. Jack was all ready and i was starting to get around.

All day, I had felt Willow like normal, until lunch and then I hadn't but my stomach had gotten really hard, like it did during contractions but it kind of stayed that way....it had felt similar to that before, but it was weird.

I put on my boots to go outside, and started to feel really bad. It is hard to explain, but I just felt wrong, sick. I told Jack that I had to go to the bathroom because I just wasn't feeling good. I went in and sat down on the toilet. I started getting really really hot and started to sweat and feel faint. You know, when you want to lay down on the cool bathroom floor? I started thinking that, but didn't. Instead, the toilet is next to a wall on one side so I leaned my head against it. The next thing I knew I woke up. I had passed out and while passed out, vomited all over myself. It was in my nose and mouth. At the exact same time I felt a gush of liquid and looked into the toilet to see bright red blood. not bloody show, not amniotic fluid, bright red gushing blood. Not tons but enough to freak me out.

At this point, I am starting to get a little scared, not crazy scared but none of these signs are typical labor signs and I hadn't been having the contractions or other signs.

I go out and tell Jack that I think we really need to go to the hospital. He looks surprised as a few minutes before I was willing to go for a walk. I tell him what happened and he is a little freaked. I also decide to call my doctor to tell her and make sure we are doing the right thing. I get the nurse and I tell her everything. She is going to tell me to go to the office but the doctor who has been listening tells her to have me go to the hospital.

She also asks if I am alone, and I said no my husband is here and will drive me.

We leave at 2:55pm and should get to the hospital at 3:12pm (according to the GPS). On the drive I feel really terrible but just assume that labor has started and we have some weirdness going on. Jack asks if it is ok to drive the speed limit, and I say yes, we will be there before 3:15 we should be fine. He drops me off and I tell him I am going to go up, that I can't wait for him. I go in and get my pass and go up to Labor and Delivery. I get up there about 3:25pm.

Once in Labor and Delivery I am assigned to nurse, Kelly. It is really quiet there. She takes me into the intake area and asks me tons of questions. She keeps asking if I can feel the baby. I tell her honestly my stomach is so tight I can't feel anything. I tell her it was around 1pm when I last felt her. Because she keeps asking me the same question, particularly that one, I am starting to freak out. She wants me to put on a gown and give a urine sample. I try, but the cup is filled with blood. She asks about my BP and I tell her I checked at noon and it was 120/64.

Then back to the bed and they put the monitors for contractions and heart rate. I am anxious of course. She is having trouble and the first heart rate she finds is 95....I am saying no that can't be the baby that she is always between 129 and 160. After what feels like forever she finds her heart rate and it is in the 130s and 140s, immediately I feel better since we are at the hospital and I know bebe girl is alive. The contraction monitor is off the charts. I am having constant contractions. Literally one starts at the end of the previous one.

The doctor on the floor comes to check my cervix as the nurse tried and can't reach it. The doctor says I am dilated 1-2cm. She brings in an ultrasound machine to look at bebe girl.

All this time I am freaked but under control. I just keep thinking if anything is wrong they can get to her quickly so everything will be ok. With the US she is trying to see if there is any fluid around the baby and there is but it is on the low side. She also keeps asking if I can feel the baby.

Then all of a sudden all these nurses show up. They all have a job, asking questions, filling out forms, putting in an IV, etc etc. There are now about 9 nurses in my intake room.

My Doctor arrives, and honestly I don't know exactly when but I will guess around 4:00pm. She asks me all the same questions. She then says that I need to have a C-section immediately. She explains that the baby was doing ok, but that she was struggling and that there is no time to wait while my cervix dilates. While with the speed and strength of the contractions mean that it would probably go fast, if I was at a 7 or 8, they would consider, but it is not in my future.

I agree with her recommendations as all I want is for Willow to be here and be safe. Jack is given scrubs and he changes into them. I know he is freaking out so I try and stay calm. This is the only time I allow myself to start to cry and I say "I can't believe this is happening, I never expected this" then I pull it together for Jack.

I have already been prepped for surgery at this point so I am put in a wheelchair to go to the operating room. As we go by the nurses area they all wish us luck. Jack is sent to the recovery room to store our stuff and to wait for me to get the epidural.

I arrive in the operating room and they get started. They are really moving. The anesthesiologist starts to work on me. I am struggling as I am still having constant contractions. I can barely sit there, let alone lean forward! But eventually, with a lot of pain they get it. Then things start really moving fast. The catheter goes in and the screen goes up so I can not see. Jack is still not there and I am starting to think he is not going to be there in time.

Finally Jack arrives. Thy tell him to sit and not to stand up. Then the real fun begins. I don't feel the cutting just hear them talking about what they are doing and seeing. They are talking about blood and lots of clots. I finally figure out they are talking about in the uterus.

This whole time I am turned looking towards Jack. The real fun starts and they start pulling things out. They are jerking my body so hard that I am being lifted off the table. Jack's eyes are huge as he watches me jerked and pulled and being moved all over. It hurts. Then all of a sudden I say that I am going to be sick. You see, I wasn't supposed to be there, so I had lunch. The anesthesiologist give me a little pan at my left shoulder to throw up in,and he gives me an injection of zofran. It is too late though and I start violently throwing up. (later Jack tells me I threw up on the guy)

They take the baby at 5:00pm....approximately 1 and half hours from when we arrived not knowing what to expect.

Immediately she is taken away. They do say she is a girl, but that is it. I turn to Jack (finally done vomiting) and ask if he saw her, he says just as they passed her through. They did not stop to show him. Now they are seriously working on me, I have no idea what they are doing but talk is about blood and such, with directions like put your finger right there on that vein, etc. They are looking at my other organs looking for any signs of other problems. Finally Jack tells me he can hear Willow crying in the next room, thank god. I am finally closed with staples and taken to recovery where Jack is waiting.

I ask if he has seen the baby and he hasn't. The nurse tells us she is fine just under observation. Jack is allowed to go and see her in the nursery for her weighing and other firsts....he has to leave me, but I tell him to go. The nurse says I will be ok, just go.

We end up waiting in recovery for a while, as it is shift change and we need to change floors. Jack returns with the camera and shows me my first pictures of Willow. She is beautiful :)

Finally at 7:30pm we are taken up to the mother/baby floor. I immediately ask to see Willow but they say she is being watched due to her breathing. She was given an apgar of 7 at 1 minute and 9 at 5 minutes, but she is mucusy and is having a tiny bit of trouble breathing.

It is during this lull that I learn how truly scary it all was. We learn we had a placental abruption. We learn that if we would have been 30 minutes slower, the outcome for both Willow and for me would have been different. Some how, we made it. Several things stood out. Jack was home from work and thus I did not have to 1. drive myself (which i would not have been able to) or 2. wait for a taxi or 3. wait for an ambulance. Also, I just just knew something was terribly wrong. I did not know what, but I knew that we had to go.

Finally at 9:30pm I was allowed to see and hold Willow.....all was right with the world.

Additionally, I lost over 1400cc of blood (normal adults have 4000-5000 cc) and ended up needing two separate blood transfusions to get my levels to an acceptable point.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that something like this would happen. I can't help but think, in regards to all of us who worry, we will never worry about the thing that actually happens. For me all the preterm contractions, and potential blood pressure issues, and those were fine. But we never would think to worry about placental abruption, though I had heard of it. I never imagined my life would be in jeopardy too (though theoretically I knew it could be)

Jack and I have had some quiet moments to talk about all of this since we were in the hospital 5 days. We cannot get through the conversation without both of us ending up in tears, both of our emotions so raw from fear. Jack is definite that we will not be having any other children, and he is currently fearful of having an oops baby. (one of the few things that besides W. that makes me smile is the thought that we could have an oops baby). I understand his feelings; I can still see the reflection of fear in his eyes when he imagined the thought of losing both Willow and I on the same day.

30 minutes can change your life, it has ours.

Her name

2010-02-15T21:13:00.002-05:00

I thought that her name posted with her first pic but obviously, it did not. Nothing like building anticipation.

Her name is Willow Elizabeth..... I will go into more detail with her birth story.

I may remove this post for privacy in the future, but i wanted all of my friends to know :)

Stats

2010-02-14T23:58:00.000-05:00

She was born via emergency c-section on 2/11/2010 at 5:00pm. I will
post her story but I will say now, our uneventful perfect pregnancy
came to a dramatic but thankfully, ultimately, a happy ending.

She weighed 6lb 15oz and was 19 inches long!

Sent from my iPhone

Another pic to hold you until the birth story :)

2010-02-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

She is here.

2010-02-13T07:08:00.000-05:00

38 weeks

2010-02-09T17:43:00.008-05:00

How Far Along? 38 weeks (really? already?)

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 22 pounds (same as two weeks ago)

Maternity Clothes: Yes, the black t-shirts are starting to fade a little in the wash.

Sleep: Comes and goes, if I have a bad night, then the next one is usually awesome, so cannot complain!

Best Moment of the Week: no more contraction meds.

Movement: Yes, all the time. She hasn't slowed at all. In fact I think she moves more, and it can be painful. strong bebe girl.

Food Craving: No.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: yes, those contractions....that still are not doing ANYthing. My cervix at 38weeks is still long and closed....new name: wonder cervix. I go back on Friday to see what, if anything is happening and for another NST. (we do this once/twice per week)

Belly Button: Still in!

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed) shhh.

Wedding rings: still on!

Exercise: I can walk again yay!

What I miss: I did a whole post on this.....but while I want to meet bebe girl, the thought of not being pregnant ever again makes me sad.

What I'm looking forward to: being a mom :) oh and I guess the OB deciding when we will induce if we don't do this on our own. I have heard good and bad stories with inducing but with my blood pressure, we won't be messing around....which I am okay with.

Other NEW news this week: we signed the lease for our next move! we contemplated buying, but will rent for another year......and I love love the lakehouse that we are renting. More to come on that in the future.

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly.

Favorite item bought this week:

from www.taylorjoelle.com

things

2010-02-05T15:12:00.004-05:00

Things I am going to miss:
~secret conversations with bebe girl kicking me in the belly.

~waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over to get comfortable and then waiting to feel bebe girl move around until she is comfortable.

~hearing people tell me how great I look. (ah, vanity)

~bebe girl being ALL mine :)

~J. resting his hand on my belly, and I am not worried about sucking it in.

~the fact that bebe girl is even more active now than before, not less.

~not feeling guilty about not running or other exercise since being told to lay off.

~baby hiccups!

~feeling beautiful and powerful as a woman.

Things I am not going to miss:
~ HEARTBURN.....not going to miss this at all. Waking up vomiting in my mouth, nope. Eating tums all throughout the day, nope. Trying to sleep on an incline, nope.

~constipation, enough said.

~MIL calling every night to see if anything has changed.

~worrying about bebe girl being in my belly (this will be replaced I know with worrying about her not being in my belly.

~constant contractions.

~going to the doctor twice a week.

this week

2010-02-02T15:27:00.002-05:00

Monday we had the OB appointment. It was pretty boring, though my wait in the waiting room of 5 minutes was very entertaining as I was accompanied by two ladies in their 60s. They commented on how great I looked (boy will I miss people telling me that) and said they couldn't believe the baby was coming any time soon, I am too small. One told me she had 3 children and the most she ever gained was 18 pounds, LOL. The other said, really I gained 75 with my first. It was hysterical. The non gainer was trying to figure out why on earth anyone would gain that much, finally the second woman said, I just ate EVERYthing, LOL.

Any way, the NST was pretty uneventful, bebe girl was moving around so she set off the alarm more than once by moving out of range of her monitor. The nurse said she was impressed that I wasn't freaking out....but I could still hear the HB, and feel her moving, so why would I freak?

The OB did not do a cervical check as they are fine with bebe girl arriving if she wants, and they don't believe there is much correlation between cervical changes and labor. Meaning your cervix can change and no labor, OR the cervix can be closed at a visit and you can go into labor that night....so no check, which is fine. Next appointment with the OB is Monday for a NST, and maybe? cervical check LOL.

Today on Tuesday, we had the BPP US. They were pretty busy, and so I actually ended up with the perinatologist doing the US not a tech. He was good. He did all the measurements and showed us what he was doing. Bebe girl looked great, good movement, blood flow, size, practice breathing, and all. She is estimated to be 6.5 pounds at this point! which is awesome!

The peri recommends delivering between 39w and 40w.....not going late, so it seems bebe will be arriving one way or another within the next 2 weeks....wow! amazing. and by that time she may weigh around 7.5 pounds....which is ok, no complaints :) of course, ideally we will go into labor on our own *fingers crossed* as I know sometimes inducing adds time and pain. But because of my hypertension, they won't risk me going late.

So all in all GREAT visits!! next OB Monday 2/8......no more USs, so we won't see her again until her birthday. She is healthy healthy, and has quite the head of hair, the peri commented on it (as has every person since 28 weeks, and I think there have been 5 USs since then), so she is going to have a full head of hair OR she is a monkey LOL.

The only complaint I have.....such a minor one....the peri was so kind to give us a pic from the scan, but he is not great at the pics because bebe looked like the rabbit from "Life in Hell" I added a pic (sorry for the size) in case you aren't familiar.....*giggle*

update

2010-01-31T13:50:00.002-05:00

I realized that I have been neglectful...I never updated after my appointment last week, and I already have another appointment tomorrow so better catch up while I have a chance.

I went in on Wednesday for my NST and OB appt. I knew I was going to stop the meds for the contractions, So I stopped prior to going to my appt because I wanted to see what was going on. I had been taking the meds every 4 hours, and by the time of my appt it was 5 hours since my final dose.

I was put through the usual, weight, urine and BP....my BP was 120/80.....woo-hoo. Typically I can't get below 130 at the OB, but I tested my breathing techniques from the walk from the car until they took my BP....and it worked, I will try again and see if I have similar results.

Then I was put on the monitor from bebe girl's HR and contractions. Bebe girl was moving all over and sounded great like usual :) Contractions.....still happening every 10 to 15 minutes and some of them getting quite strong, measuring at an 80 at the peak. But still not painful.

My OB comes and decides to check my cervix (I asked and she said why not), it is long and closed. So despite all the practice I am getting with the round the clock contractions.....bebe girl is content to stay where she is, which is fine by me. We are only 37w1d today, so I am not fretful yet.

She also checked bebe's position by feeling my belly and she said she is still head down, but she has not dropped into my pelvis and her head is off to the side, so at the time the OB did not feel bebe was coming any time soon (within days).....so all is well.

My next OB and NST is Monday (it sounds like I will be going in twice a week from now on) and then I have an US with the perinatologist on Tuesday to check bebe girl and insure that all is well, last time they said they would estimate her weight at this one so i am interested in that.....of course I know it can be up to a pound off....but nice to see it any way :)

Everyone keeps saying that I must be tired and ready for her to come, but I am surprisingly not anxious for it.....I am not too big.....and she is well, and I am pretty comfortable....I am enjoying this, so am not in a hurry (of course I reserve the right to change my mind at any time).

36 weeks

2010-01-25T09:46:00.005-05:00

How Far Along? 36 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 22 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Yes, and still loving the cords. I hope they fit well after bebe girl comes....they just have little elastic wedges on each side so I think I could use them without them looking too much like maternity pants....we'll see.

Sleep: Not too bad considering my alarm goes off every 4 hours, 2am, 6am, 1oam, 2pm, 6pm, and 10pm.....I usually am quickly able to go back to sleep after both I and bebe girl get comfortable. I have noticed more often waking before the alarm with a contraction (guess the meds are still not stopping them) but all in all, can't complain.

Best Moment of the Week: I am just enjoying the whole thing....bebe girl's hiccups and movements....watching my belly as she pratice breaths....the whole thing.

Movement: Yes, all the time.

Food Craving: No.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: yes, those pesky contractions that can't be stopped. otherwise, no change, though they have not checked my cervix since 35 weeks...OB said no reason to, since we would not stop labor if it truly starts.

Belly Button: Still in, maybe it won't pop.

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)

Wedding rings: still on

Exercise: not allowed anymore because ot the contractions :(

What I miss: nothing really!

What I'm looking forward to: Stopping the meds on Wednesday at 36w4d....wondering, wondering what will happen when we do this. Will I go into labor soon after, or will we just continue as we are?

Other NEW news this week: I have a meet and greet with the pediatrician that we will be using. My first interaction with the office staff was wonderful....hoping the inperson visit is just as good!

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly. I am a little sad that this may end early, but excited to meet bebe!

Favorite item bought this week: this little hat <3 (excuse the iphone picture, but it is brown with the pink lip-print)

and so we continue

2010-01-19T15:46:00.003-05:00

Well, back home from the perinatologist! Quite the uneventful scan....which is as we all know often exactly what is needed to keep us going. Here are the results in bullets:

~ We did not get a weight measurement as the scan was to focus on the bio-rythems of bebe girl not the "size" per se. boo....but they said next US we will get a weight.

~ Bebe girl looked perfect as usual, and as usual the US technician commented on how cooperative she is.....I am still hoping that we don't use up all her cooperation before she arrives.

~ Heart rate was good, the cord blood flow looked good, her heart showed all four chambers, she was practice breathing again :)

~ Amniotic fluid levels were good, I asked if movement gets more restricted if the fluid is low, and they said yes usually, so as she is a crazy active girl, I figured as much.

~ The US tech was looking at her head placement etc....and she commented on all of her hair. This scan certainly makes it look like she has so much hair compared to when we first saw the hair a month ago....wondering if it will be really thick when she arrives, or if it just looks thick.

~ She is head down as always, which is great. Her legs and feet are currently tucked up and she has her feet flat against the uterus wall, firmly on my gallbladder and against my ribs LOL. But that hasn't been too painful, when she starts digging into my ribs, I usually rub on the outside and she will squirm away.

~ The peri said she looks great and there is no concern about her health. I told him about the contractions and my meds. He said he would recommend stopping the meds at 36 weeks just like what the OB said. He seemed much less concerned about the contractions than my OB, he said "some women just contract, as long as you are not uncomfortable" which I liked.

~ My BP was good, I gave them readings from the past 10 days and the nurse was very happy with them. That coupled with a negative 24 hour screen, no swelling, no headaches etc.....means so far we are doing great. The peri is very satisfied with my health (yay).

~ So, what's next? OB appt this Friday with the weekly NST test. I believe that I will be told to stop the meds this weekend as well, so it will be interesting to see what happens at that point. I think today the contractions are getting stronger/more frequent.....but it is hard to tell. Not complaining since they are not too painful which is another thing I am blessed with. Both peri and OB said bebe girl will be great if she arrives anythime after 36 weeks, so I am so happy and blessed about that!
currently waiting for the OB to call in a refill of my terbut.aline.....if she doesn't, it runs out tomrrow afternoon....at least I can call again tomorrow if noone called it in today....I hate the refill process, somehow it has to be made easier!

update on contra.ctions

2010-01-18T17:42:00.002-05:00

I was neglectful and did not update following my OB appointment last Friday, so I will do it now, and then tomorrow I go to the pernatologist for another growth scan.

So on Friday:

~ we found that I am still having contractions approximately every 20 minutes, even on the medication. the contractions friday were much stronger on the monitor than last week in the hospital.

~ this led to uping my medication to 2.5mg every 4 hours....all day/night. so my alarm is set for 2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm.....yay.

~ this increase in meds has not changed the frequency of my contractions....

~ the contractions are still not affecting my cervix, thankfully. So it was decided we would continue as is.

~ The OB took more swabs for amniotic fluid- negative, and Group B strep....haven't heard yet.

~ My BP was up at the office the way it normally is, but with all the stress of the checks etc....it was 160/100 on one arm, and then 151/90 on the other....boo. but at home it is never that high.....I carrry my readings to show her :) so they sat me in the waiting room....i did my breathing exercises and got it down to 133/85 in less than 5 minutes.....so I could go home. I take BP very seriously and check at least twice per day......never over 125/80 at home.

~ 24 hour urine test showed negative for protein :) so that coupled with my good home BP is allowing the OB to believe that home rest, but not bed rest, is acceptable.

~ The current plan is to remain on the meds for the contractions until 36 weeks, and then stop. She is thinking that I will probably go into labor shortly after that (but I could not....labor is funny that way I guess).

~ The current plan could radically change if the perinatologist finds anything questionable tomorrow. The OB said if bebe is not growing properly, amniotic fluid is low, palcenta is not working well, etc....they could say we need to deliver now.....so tomorrow is a big day. If I pass tomorrow then I get to stay on meds until at least 36 weeks.....I would like to have her bake longer as long as is safe for us both.

~ If her movement is any indicator....I am guessing she is getting plenty of nurishment, oxygen and there is enough amniotic fluid for her to be extremely squirmy all day/night.....so I am thinking this is a good thing.

I tell J. that my personal goal is to get her to February....I know our due date is 2/20.....but I would be very happy to see her birthday be in February....that means 13 more days....hoping that we get there! (or even past...the OBs goal before the preterm labor was 39 weeks; she now doesn't think we will get close)

too quiet.....mama?

2010-01-13T16:17:00.003-05:00

I have to share a funny story.

As we have had such fun times the past few weeks, I have been more aware of everything bebe girl does and doesn'd do. She was pretty active all day yesterday and had an extreme kickfest in the middle of the night.

This morning she was pretty quiet. Still moving but not very violently, and not as often. Now, I do realize as she gets bigger, her movements get more restricted but it seemed weird as yesterday was so different.

So I pull out my doppler, which gets used less and less now days and listen. Yep her HB sounds the same up in the 140s, and after some OJ up in 150s and 160s. Still it is not the same. I lay down, and easily get to 10 within the hour, in fact, I get to over 30 within the hour....so I know she is fine, but still the movements were soft? not sure that is the right word.

I had to run to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and so I shower and head out. It is still on my mind, but not worried. You know when you get in the car?.....and you start talking to either yourself or the other "bad" drivers? well I did....and OMG....there is bebe girl. LOL....I realized that she might have been missing my voice as since J. has been gone, I have had little reason to talk the past 24 hours. Of course I have been on the phone once or twice, but pretty short conversations, the doctor's office, etc....I think bebe girl was waiting for me to talk. So I talked all the way to the pharmacy and back, talking and singing with the radio....and she was kicking and squirming the whole way, like normal LOL. silly bebe girl, doesn't she realize that even if I am quiet, I am still here!

So, I will do a little reading outloud this evening and in the mornings.....so she knows when it is daytime and when it is nighttime. maybe all in my head, but I feel better.

34 weeks

2010-01-12T19:36:00.005-05:00

How Far Along? 34 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 20 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Yes, and still loving the cords. I thought I would not like the under the belly pants, or that they would fall off....but I love them, so my advice, try all the styles, you never know!

Sleep: Pretty good, I have found since starting the terbu.taline for the contractions....I am sleeping better. maybe because it makes you drowsy....maybe because it is making the contractions smoother and they were waking me up? I don't know.

Best Moment of the Week: Well it has been quite the week....but I guess learning that my cervix is closed and long despite days (and weeks?) of contractions. I also loved our maternity shoot that was before we found out about the contractions :)

Movement: Yes, all the time.

Food Craving: No.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: LOL....well all those nos that I have been writing probably should have been yes's....but still not trully feeling all those contractions. Taking terbu.taline every 6 hours to help calm the uterus, but still having them.

Belly Button: Still in, maybe it won't pop.....hmmm.

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)

Wedding rings: still on

Exercise: not allowed anymore because ot the contractions :(

What I miss: nothing really!

What I'm looking forward to: J. returning from his trip out of the country....come on Saturday. and next growth US on 1/19. and then ....stoppping the meds at 36 weeks.

Other NEW news this week: Monday, I had my follow up to the L&D (friday) visit, and while I did need to drink some juice to get bebe girl going on the NST....she looked good, the contractions are still continuing but not as strong thanks to the drug, and my cervix was still long and closed! so J. went on his trip....to return Saturday night.

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly. I am a little sad that this may end early, but excited to meet bebe!

Favorite item bought this week: These darling little shoes from etsy. I <3 etsy.

My friday adventure

2010-01-10T20:09:00.003-05:00

I had an OB and NST appointment for Friday morning. I showed up for my 9am appt at 8:55 and proceeded to have to wait until after 9:45 to be seen. This is not usual for the office so I wasn't to upset about it. I saw the doctor for the usual, and everything was fine. BP was a little high, but it was fine at home just before I left, and my cuff has been checked and is accurate so the doctor and I are not worried. She said the NST had been left off my appt, and someone else was using the machine so maybe I could just come back on Monday. I really didn't want to as I feel like I have a million appts already so I asked if I could just wait since I knew that the women had gone in over 30 minutes before so she was probably soon to be done. The doctor said yes. so I only had to wait about 10 minutes :)

While in my appt I mentioned to the doctor that I had definitely been having BH contractions and I was occasionally feeling some dull cramping lower down, maybe once or twice per day.

So they hook me up to the machine and explain what I need to do. The funny thing was before they hooked me up, I said I think the baby has hiccups right now, and when the nurse hooked it up, she laughed and said, yep she does. It was funny hearing these loud hiccups every few seconds. They lasted about 10 minutes but they were so distracting LOL.

The nurse left and I settled in. As I was sitting there, pressing the button when I felt her move (which at first was hard with the hiccups) and listening to her HB, watching the machine that records the HB, I noticed the other number being recorded, I wasn't told what it was but from my research, I was pretty sure it was monitoring to see if I was having contractions.....I watch the number on that move from 6-7 up to 45 and different points.....when the number was high, I could feel the tightening of my uterus....so hmmmm. When the doctor comes in after 30 minutes, she looks at the paper, looks at me and says, are you feeling those? I said nothing painful but yes tightening.....i am having contractions, real ones....oh, wow, not what I expected.

So the doctor says she needs to do an exam, speculum and all, she does swabs for amniotic fluid just in case and does a swab for FFN for me to take to L&D....oh boy, I have to go to the hospital. Before I leave, she tells me the amnio swab is clear so that is good. She also says that I am closed and long....yes, that is good!

I leave and head to the hospital, eating a granola bar on the way as I am thinking hmm I could be there a while. I call Jack and tell him, but tell him I don't think there is anything to worry about, stay at work and I will call if anything changes. He is a good husband and does as I say....I think that is good :)

When I arrive at the hospital, they are expecting me and take me to the prescreening room where they intake the pregnant women and hook me up to the machines. They take another urine sample, tons of blood and and get the monitors going. Shockingly, my BP at the hospital is 108/65....LOL I told my nurse Amy, that I must not be scared of the hospital like I am at the OB.

At first the contractions are pretty mild according to the machine....the other doctor from my office says it is looking like irritable uterus not contractions. but they are very constant. (i am not really feeling them, I feel like I have the past few weeks LOL) But as I sit there, the machine is showing them stronger and longer and more often.....so they send another doctor to do another internal, this one with manually ....yeah, not, but not too bad. She says, closed long and soft so the contractions are having no effect on my cervix. They then decide to give me a shot to stop them, i think it is called brethnel(sp?) so another nurse gives it to me because Amy is on lunch....Amy comes back in 20 minutes and looks at the monitor and paper, she asked if I had the shot, I said yes why, how fast should it work? she said it should work immediately and it had been 20 minutes with no change.

I ended up with 3 injections.....with no change in the contractions. Around 5:45pm....yes I left my house at 8:30am, my doctor, who I saw at the office shows up. She asks how I am feeling etc....I say the same because it is true. I am not uncomfortable, except for the triage bed. and to me I have felt this way for weeks.

She does another internal....3rd today, and this time ouchies......but she says the same, long, closed, soft....and backwards? I think this is the best as it needs to come forward to start dilating? anyway, now they have confirmed that I have had contractions for over 10 hours with no effect on my cervix, and the surprising thing is that they are unable to stop them....they have been able to reduce them somewhat (after the 3 shots) but they are not stopping.

She goes thru the different things we could do, steriods, bed rest, oral meds like the injections etc..... finally it is decided that I will go home with oral meds every 4-6 hours to try and stop/reduce the contractions. I am to not walk on my treadmill anymore :( LOL. that does make me sad, but I am dealing, and to take it easy, not bedrest since bedrest didn't help all day any way.

I am to call monday morning to the office and go in for another internal to see if the weekend made any change to my cervix (or in worst case, if I feel more contractions etc go to the hosipital today). If after the weekend, everything looks the same. The protocol will be, take the medication for two more weeks until we reach 36 weeks and then stop the meds and let nature take its course, hoping to go into labor naturally sometime between 36-38 weeks. This will allow bebe girl to have fully developed lungs and be ready to go.

So I finally left the hospital at 7pm.....Jack arrived at 6pm as I had texted him at 4:30 and said, you may as well come here after work since I think I will still be here. So all day.....watching tv at the hospital LOL, without a computer. From now on I am taking my netbook to all my appts as they have free wifi there :)

The great news is that during the entire time, bebe girl was doing awesome. Her heartrate was strong, fluctuating with movement as it should. She was kicking like crazy, trying to get those darn monitors off her space :P LOL. So they are not worried about her.

Then Saturday, we had our shower.....it was great and we got lots of cool stuff. While I probably did more than I should have, bad Dawn.....today I feel fine (well like usual LOL) and have nothing on my agenda,

I am really not worried as my doctor was awesome and they are really taking care of me.....my BP was great during the whole hospital stay, bebe girl was great, and we are taking it one day at a time. The only thing that it did do was make me realize that we are CLOSE....and I need to get everything completed (slowly and carefully) so I have some lists to help with that, my goal is for bebe girl to arrive in February.....so that means she needs to stay put for 3 more weeks.

***next up, my 34 week update

Further thoughts.

2010-01-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

**This was written Thursday night/Friday morning, with the intention of posting first thing Friday....my reasons for not posting until now are a new post for tomorrow :)

Last night, as I lay on the sofa, after another particularly bad (losing) fight with acid reflux (and not wanting to keep J awake past midnight on a work night) I lay in the semidarkness reading your responses to my last post. I felt them wash over me with kindness and without judgement as I felt bebe girl comforting me with her movements.

I honestly don't know what I expected after I wrote the post yesterday. I know that I still can't read through it without choking.

I find it fascinating, even shocking, how many of us quietly fight this fight. How many fight this fear of repetition. Like many of my commenters, I have come across those who have told me that I am destined to repeat these things. One man I dated said he would never ever marry someone with my story. He said I would have no idea how to do things "right". I told him I didn't think I could ever marry someone who had never gone through what I have been through because they would never recognize when things were wrong....that they didn't, couldn't possibly know how to make things right. I guess both he and I were right about one thing, we would never marry LOL.

I waited such a long time to marry J. Not in the sense that I made him wait, but in the sense that first I had to learn to love me. Every part of me. The part that lies here crying in the dark. The part that still gets angry thinking of those who would dismiss me and others with my experiences. The part that finished my bachelor's and is working towards my masters, while developing a career that I am proud of. The part willing to put that on hold and devote the next few years to this bebe girl who will be walking around carrying my heart. I love all of me. And because of that I was able to find someone who loves all of me too.

I am not destined to relive my mother's lif.I have already broken that cycle. At 40, I am married to the one love of my life, carrying the second love of my life and I can give more love than I can imagine. In return, I am loved.

I am sure that many of you are wondering who is this person writing this.....so different from my daily writings. I am still just me, still the light-hearted girl making my way in the world.....but now you know just a bit of the shadow that I (and many others) carry under that light. Thank you for your support, it means the world.

a little history

2010-01-07T10:58:00.002-05:00

As bebe girl's birthday approaches, I start to think more and more what kind of mother I want to be, and even more what kind of mother I will be....I know that intentions and dreams must be worked on and pursued to become realities.

As all women probably do, I look to my relationship with my mother as a starting point. It is the closest relationship that many people have their entire lives. In this case, it scares me, it keeps me up at night. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother. She is afterall, my mother. But I do not ever, ever want my daughter to sit, 34 weeks pregnant and think, that is NOT the relationship i want with my child.

A little back story:
My mom married my dad young, she was 18. She got pregnant in August and I was born 2 days before she turned 20.....not exceptionally young, but young enough. My parents divorced before I turned 1, and we moved in with my grandparents for the next few (3?4?) years. Those are the years that really saved me :)

From there, my mom's life (thus my life) was pretty ________ (i can't even find a word....but when I do I will come back and fill this in).

She married my sister's father when I was 6 1/2, and my sister was born a year later. I am not sure exactly when they divorced, sometime when I was 8? Babies and marriages did not work out for her.

She (we) then lived with another man, for while....he wanted to marry her, but she decided not to. He later killed himself, within the next year (he was not living with us then). Surprisingly (or not), he was the only one that I truly liked.

She then married another man, when I was 10. This guy was a real piece of work. He was an alcoholic, did drugs (as a child I have no idea what kind, still don't want to know). He called radio stations every day trying to win prizes....he never worked. He was not allowed into my grandfather's house (which was two doors down the street) because prior to marrying my mom, he dated and abused her cousin. What a winner right? They fought of course all the time, but I was never abused physically (who knows emotionally), and I sought refuge from my grandparents.....after all he wasn't allowed in, so my mother had to come and get me and force me home when she wanted to see me. They divorced within about 4-5 months.

Then from there, she took a break. I know she dated, and we met one or two but there was no man living in our house for almost 6 years! It was a nice break. Until I discovered that she was having an affair (years long) with a man from our church and our group of horse friends (we all went horseback riding on the trails). I actually caught them during my sophomore year in high school.....came home early from a trip. What I felt could ONLY be described as disappointment, on a very deep level, I had hoped that she had changed that she was someone who I could admire.

Around the same time I discovered the affair, his wife also discovered the affair. And she decided to divorce him. He had all along told my mother that he would never leave his wife.....but now it seemed he had no choice in the matter. So they decided to get married.

In addition to marrying, they decided they could not live in Kan.sas any more, so they decided to move to California, where he had been stationed years ago. So without further ado, they moved to CA, my sister and I moved in with our grandparents to finish the school year (my junior year) and then were expected to be shipped out to CA when school ended. Thus my senior year, was spent in a new school/town/and state. can you say, sucked? But this too would pass.

Within a year of my graduation, they decided that the liberal state of CA was not for them, and so before I turned 19, they decided to move back to the midwest (MO to be exact), a tiny tiny town with no college, no industry, nada. So at this point, I decided to jump off the carousel....I couldn't do it any more. (in my short synopsis, i didn't detail all of the many moves, schools etc....that i endured). So at 18, I was alone in CA, working a full time and part time job to pay the rent and all other expenses, and going to a community college full time. I had been talked out of going to the 4 year university that I had been accepted to and ha scholarships and loans for, prior to them telling me they were leaving.....they told me I should stay home save money, go to CC. yeah, that worked out. Any way, I was on my own.

And shockingly stable and happy. Even though school was not going as fast as I wanted, I was a hard worker and the restaurant where I worked (since I first moved to CA) loved me. They gave me a decent wage, paid vacations, and a place to belong.

I could make this story go on and on, but instead, let me reroute this story back to my relationship with my mom, I know you were thinking that I had gotten lost in the past, right?

Along the way, I started dating a man, he was 1/2 white, 1/2 black. german mother and african american father. Good guy, we ended up dating for almost 5 years. During that time, it came out that he was of "mixed heritage" omg! my mother and stepfather were very very upset about this and it quickly became a situation where I never spoke to them. I was furious as my mother had in my humble opinion, made such poor poor decisions regarding men, and she felt she had a right to judge him only on his race. Never considering that he was kind and he loved me. Eventually I outgrew him, that happens to many of us when we start young, but I have never ever regretted that relationship. But the thing that had happened is that some how....5 years had passed since I had talked to or heard from my mom......5 years of no phone calls, no letters, no birthday cards....NOTHING. from a mother.....because of skin color and no other reason. I have often tried to find any other explanation, a fight, cruel things I said, something....but there is nothing.

I had not spoken or heard from my mom in 5 years. While I do realize that some blame lies with me....she was after all my mom. I expected more.

One day, I called my grandmother's house and my mom answered! shock at hearing her voice after all that time.....I said "hi mom, can I talk to grandma?" what else could I say? .....she said "who is this?".....seriously? seriously? I said the only thing that came to mind (I have always been a bit sarcastic) I said "well, since I am guessing you are with one of your daughters, this must be the other daughter" she said "hold on" and got my grandmother....and that was it. eventually the relationship turned back into once a year calls and rare cards, not for my birthday or christmas, but once a year I might hear from her.....I always sent her birthday cards, xmas cards etc....

The key to our relationship is that as much as I am willing to extend she is willing to take, but she is never willing to give of herself. She is, I have slowly decided pathologically selfish. She will never give of herself, she will gladly take anything anyone will give. She is like this with friends, men, me, my sister....everyone.

To wrap up the rest, eventually she divorced what was my 3rd stepfather, and he almost killed her (he had a loaded gun) and remarried again almost 10 years ago....shockingly, he is relatively normal and he seems to really like my sister and I. I am friendly to him, but what can you do? I don't truly believe he will be around forever. She is not that nice to him. He is her 5th husband, I think she is his 5th wife.....

So, if you are still with me, I am going to skip all the drama I could add, it would bore you to tears, but here is where we are.

When we told everyone, I personally called my mother to tell her about bebe. She has wanted to be a grandmother for a long time and she had finally given up on me (which was fine). She was so happy, invited herself out for the birth etc....We had also invited her along on our planned trip to Ireland. The trip was during our 16th week I believe.

The Ireland trip went well, it was us, my mom, J's parents and J's aunt/uncle. We returned and all seemed well......since then NOTHING. Not a call, not a letter, not a thank you for planning and executing the entire trip.....not a call to see how I am doing, or even her granddaughter.....nothing. nothing in almost 20 weeks....

I can't even tell you how disappointed I am. I thought this one time, maybe just maybe, it could be about me. I could be enough for her to be interested in me or the combo of bebe girl and I would be enough....that it might be worth the effort. but no. I am not, she is not, we are not.

So why have I droned on and on? I am going to wrap this up somehow.....
I have the gift of being able to start a new cycle with bebe girl, and I want her to know every day how treasured she is. How much we wanted her, how no matter what we are there. I want her to think of me as her mother, her mentor, her friend, someone she can come to who will hold her, celebrate with, comfort if needed....I want to be what I missed.

I don't ever want her to feel that she isn't enough.

Happy new year!

2010-01-05T14:58:00.002-05:00

I am a bit late with my warmest wishes for the new year for all. I truly pray that your dreams are realized in the coming year!

There is not a lot going on here, but I will give you an update in bullets.

~We had another US today, and bebe girl's growth was perfect! She gained one pound in the two weeks between visits. So she is now estimated at 4lbs 6oz. She was also doing her practice breathing which was pretty cool to watch. The tech actually had to wait for her to stop so she could do all of her measurements. Our next US is in 2 weeks. oh, and my BP was 120/71....whew.

~ We have an OB appointment on Friday. During this one, we start the Non Stress Tests for bebe girl. I think we will be going every week and having the NST every time from this appt forward.

~ I was asked about the maternity cords (they are J brand) that I mentioned in my last post, so I am posting the link to the site where I learned of them. I love this site as it is a blog specifically for pregnant "fashionistas" LOL....I am not a fashionista, but I don't mind spending money for certain items especially if they meet expectations. I have spent money on maternity jeans/cords because they are almost all i wear.....but my tops are mostly the shortsleeve, longsleeve, and tanks from Target.....cheap! So here is the link to The Pregnant Fashionista

~ We put the stroller and carseat together and they are now sitting in the hallway.....somehow it makes this all a little more real.

~ My shower is this weekend....finally.

~ We are scheduled to do the one day childbirth class on Jan 24.....now bebe girl needs to stay put until at least that point. (which is 36w1d)....I fully believe that she will. I think I will sign up for the February 4 breastfeeding class....they only have the one choice, but think I could use the face to face support.

~ J is going out of the country next week.....which is of course, why I worry about any early appearances....he will be back on Saturday, 35weeks exactly. Bebe girl does not want to arrive when her papa isn't there....I am sure of it.

~ Otherwise, things here are moving along smoothly. I am feeling good and have no complaints!

32 weeks

2009-12-28T15:35:00.004-05:00

How Far Along? 30 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 19 pounds 1 pound this past appointment (i think.....the OB didn't even mention it this week

Maternity Clothes: Yes, though I have pulled a few shirts out to wear over my maternity tanks and that has given me a little more variety. I got a new pair of black cords that fit under the belly....love them, and they add something new to wear. I am pretty sure they will work for the weeks after birth too.

Sleep: Still pretty good.....some issues with reflux at night, but trying to keep those under control.

Best Moment of the Week: the growth scan with the specialist....seeing bebe girl's hair and growth! She is doing terrific.

Movement: Yes, all the time, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Food Craving: Nope.

Food aversions: No. Except I know what carbonation does to me.....so I avoid it.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No. Let's keep it that way for atleast 6 more weeks. My OB told me in a perfect world she would like me to go into labor on my own between 38-39 weeks....I told her I would work on it.

Belly Button: Still in, every week I think maybe it will pop this week, it is shallow, but definitely an innie. One interesting thing.....there is a mole in my belly button. It still hasn't moved outside but maybe it will....weird, I would have never ever known.

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)

Wedding rings: still on

Exercise: walking at least 45 minutes every day (helps with my RLS)

What I miss: nothing really.

What I'm looking forward to: Level 2 growth US on 1/5....and a maternity photo shoot that is scheduled for 1/6. The newborn shoot that we have scheduled allowed me to add a maternity shoot for only $100....so I figured why not?

Other NEW news this week: At my OB appointment my blood pressure was up, but it was normal at home both before and after the appointment. Also there was no protein in my sample.....so she said all was ok, and if my BP at home is up 3 reading in a row, that I should call. And I get to go back next week for another appointment. Fortunately, I had this one on Monday and the one next week is Friday, so it is closer to 2 weeks :)

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly.

Favorite item bought this week: 2 things.....first I ordered a onsie with her name (unless it changes between now and then) embroidered on it....to be shared on her birthday. And second, we received her changing table today, so I will show you a photo of that.

Merry Christmas from bebe girl!

2009-12-24T11:31:00.003-05:00

Wishing all my friends the merriest of Christmases (or happiest of Hanukkahs)!!

We had a growth US on Tuesday and found:

~Bebe girl is now weighing in at 3lbs 6oz.
~Bebe girl is measuring just right.
~Bebe girl is extremely flexible as evidenced by her foot by her face.
~Bebe girl has HAIR!
~We will be seeing her every two weeks to monitor her growth!

May all your hearts' dreams come true this holiday!

**Don't pay any attention to her squished nose, the tech was pressing down hard to get clear shots.

Friday Night Leftovers

2009-12-18T16:38:00.003-05:00

Check out Danifred at Sippy Cups for her leftovers....and see who else is playing this week.
Leftovers are all about the random thoughts for the week that don't live up to a blog post all of their own. So here are mine:

• I have officially sworn off soda and any other carbonation for the remainder of the pregnancy….it is one of, if not the only cause of such terrible reflux that it is not worth it. Not at all. Waking up choking on stomach acid is not worth a little craving.
• I think having a sick hubby and a sick/hungry/fussy baby will result in zero sleep for mommy in the near future. Last night J was sick and slept very very little. Finally at 3am he decided to go to the guest room….then bebe girl got the hiccups for almost an hour. I slept the least of all. Surprisingly feel really good despite all of that.
• It may all be in my head, but I think iron supplements rock. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel fatigue. Don’t get me wrong, I always felt fine, just sluggish. Since starting the supplements for my anemia, I feel pretty darn great. (we won’t mention the horrible side effects, but extra fiber supplements are helping).
• I am looking forward to the first snow of the winter tomorrow. Last year on the shore we twice got over 10 inches of snow, very out-of-ordinary. We are supposed to get 6+ inches tomorrow….looks like another snowy winter. Snow on the beach is BEAUTIFUL.
• I have been experimenting with slow cooker recipes so that when bebe girl arrives I will still be able to serve hot meals to J without too much prep. So far, I have been pretty impressed with myself.
• As of tomorrow my 5th class towards my master’s is over. Now I take the next 3 months off and will start a new class in April. 6 classes and a capstone project to go.

purchases and small rant

2009-12-14T11:56:00.007-05:00

Last weekend, my inlaws and J's sister (and family) stayed with us the night before the 3D ultrasound. This was to provide them with a place closer to the appointment and to make it easier for them. They arrived before J. came home, so I settled them into their rooms and we had some time to chat. That week, I had received a delivery of two of the recent items that I have purchased for bebe girl. The stroller and CARSEAT....pretty important items but the only 2 large tiems we have at this point. We do not have a crib, changing table, glider, monitor etc. etc. etc. lots of things to be purchased and lots of $$$ still to be spent.

The very first thing that is said is "Well, since you bought everything already what are we going to get you for the shower?" Seriously? I bought 2 things....(ok a few others that they did not see) but all they saw were those two things....but they were going on and on about how I bought all the big things. Now to clarify, J's family (and for that matter mine as well) are not wealthy. They are not the kind of people who will spend $$$ for a birthday gift or really any gift. Which is totally fine by me. I don't need lots of gifts etc. But to hear that I "ruined" the shower by buying these two items (which are way outside of the price range) was a bit hurtful. I didn't really show it it, but later thought and said to J. "this bebe girl has been wanted and loved and planned for so long, I have the right to buy ANYTHING I want, without worrying about what anyone else wants...."

So without further ado......here are the stroller and carseat, that I decided on and purchased....and can't wait to use :) no apologies needed (and I am over my crankiness, believe me they have plenty of choices on my registry, and I am sure J and I will be buying some of it too after the shower).

Oh, and the carseat fits onto the stroller frame when you remove the seat :) Not sure why blogger won't let me post a larger pic of the stroller, but it is a quinny buzz 4,and the carseat is a maxi cosi (both in black/grey combo)

30 Weeks

2009-12-13T16:13:00.004-05:00

How Far Along? 30 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 18 pounds - 2 pounds this past appointment, which the OB was happy with. She said I seem right on target to stay within the 25-35 pounds that she originally recommended. I am trying to stay below 30 personally, but want bebe girl healthy.

Maternity Clothes: Wearing maternity jeans, oh so very comfortable, and still loving the longer maternity shirts (i may always buy maternity tshirts LOL)

Sleep: Still good (sshhh!)

Best Moment of the Week: 3D US of course :)

Movement: Yes, all the time, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Food Craving: Nope.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No. Let's keep it that way for atleast 6 more weeks, preferably 8 weeks

Belly Button: Getting wider and more shallow but still pretty deep. It is changing though, it used to be so deep it was pinched shut (like BWUB) but it is wide open but no where near popping out yet.

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)

Wedding rings: still on

Exercise: walking at least 45 minutes every day (helps with my RLS)

What I miss: a variety of clothing choices....wearing jeans and sweats and a variety of comfortable tees is great except when you want something different LOL.

What I'm looking forward to: Level 2 growth US on 12/22....I really want to make sure bebe girl is growing well. I put my 28 week and my 30 week photos side by side and don't see a difference, but her kicks and movements feel much stronger and her heartbeat is good, so I am not truly worried, just want reassurance.

Other NEW news this week: At my OB appointment I found out again I passed my one hour glucose screen...so a pass at 20 weeks and a pass at 28 weeks means I am free for the rest of the pregnancy from scheduled tests! yay But I did learn that I am now considered anemic, my level was 10? and they like 11.5 and higher so I am now taking an additional iron supplement. I have only taken it 3 days, but I think I am feeling less tired. It could be in my head, as I didn't think I was abnormally tired before!

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly ....I can't change this, but I know I am going to remember this time forever.

Favorite item bought this week: sweet homemade mittens and hat from etsy for only $13!

something cuter has been found

2009-12-06T19:45:00.012-05:00

~ Our 3d ultrasound was Saturday. We were 29 weeks exactly.

~ We invited J.'s sister and her husband and their 3 year old and 5 year old. We also invited J.'s parents (my family is too far away). Everyone said yes and they all stayed overnight on Friday as the drive was a little far for them to do Saturday morning.

~ My biggest fear was that bebe girl was not going to cooperate. (well a tiny portion of fear that something would be wrong, but I feel bebe girl all the time so I should know better)

~ Bebe girl charmed everyone, as you can see from the first photo, she was sticking out her tongue and smiling a little. She was turned perfectly and moving around, but not too much. She would play like she was going to cover her face but she cooperated the whole time.

~ We got a 15 minute dvd of the entire US....I love it. We also got about 15 still shots on cd, 4 photo quality pics and around 10 thermal paper shots like you get from the doctor.

~ At the end, bebe girl started to turn away, like I have been cooperative, so now it is time for you to stop :)

~ Doesn't she have the sweetest lips? I think they look like Ange.lina Jol.ies LOL. You can really see them in the last shot.

~ At the left side of the photos....it looks like she is snuggling a pillow? that's her placenta she is using as a pillow :) except the 2nd shot where she has her hand under her cheek.

~ She was head down as she has been during every US, hoping she just loves it like that and stays that way.

~ The tech confirmed.....she is a girl. She(the tech) said, that she has no doubt that she is a girl. (I just wanted to be extra sure)

~ If you are at ALL thinking about doing this.....I highly recommend it. It was so neat to see her and how she is going to look. The family loved it, and J. is even more in love with her. For us it was worth the cost times 10.

Are these not

2009-12-04T17:05:00.002-05:00

THE CUTEST thing? .....this coming from a self-professed NON-girly girl.

2009-11-29T12:49:00.004-05:00

How Far Along? 28 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 16 pounds - nothing gained the past 3 weeks....but still on track and bebe girl is growing.

Maternity Clothes: Wearing maternity jeans, oh so very comfortable, and still loving the longer maternity shirts (i may always buy maternity tshirts LOL)

Sleep: Still good (feeling super lucky at this point), maanging reflux by not eating after 7:30 pm....it is working.

Best Moment of the Week: J. reading to bebe girl at night.

Movement: Yes, all the time, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Food Craving: Nope.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No.

Belly Button: Getting wider and more shallow but still pretty deep.

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)

Wedding rings: still on

Exercise: walking at least 45 minutes every day (helps with my RLS)

What I miss: a variety of clothing choices....wearing jeans and sweats and a variety of comfortable tess is great except when you want something different LOL.

What I'm looking forward to: 3D/4D ultrasound scheduled for December 5th! Can't wait!

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly ....I can't change this, but I know I am going to remember this time forever.

Favorite item bought this week: The bassinet arrived, and I love it :)

cutest papa moments of the week

2009-11-24T16:29:00.002-05:00

~ J. and I were talking about this being the last Christmas with just the two of us. This lead into a conversation about "santa" and when you learned that Santa isn't real. As I am asking J. he says "Great, you already blew it with bebe girl, now she knows that he is not real." J. likes to pretend that bebe girl can hear and understand everythign we say....LOL.

~ J. reading to bebe girl at night. Currently he is reading "The Bicentennial Man" by Isaac Asimov. I think bebe girl is going to have a very wide, diverse imagination if you take into account the diversity of our interests :) It is just so sweet to see this grown man, reading to my belly and stoppping occasionally to ask if she is kicking. (we use a little microphone and speakers that you can use to play music in utero).....and she only kicked when he would pause :)

new appointments

2009-11-23T15:47:00.002-05:00

As we moved during the fertility treaments, my old primary care doc was about an hour and a half away and I needed to find another one closer in the event that my OB needed to consult on my high blood pressure. I made an appointment to meet with a doctor recommended by my OB. I called to make a new patient appointmetn and was given one 6 weeks out! wow, but no big deal as I wasn't in a hurry. I had that appointment today.

Over all I must say, the office was great and the doc was very thorough. She went through my whole history; we talked about the pregnancy; we even talked a little about my childhood and growing up in a divorced home....it comes up when asked about siblings and I have half brothers on my dad's side, and a half sister on my mom's side.

The nurse took my BP on arrival, and it was 120/80 which is good. The doctor took it mid talk and it was 130/? and then she checked the other arm and said it was 140/? so she had some concerns and did not want to change my meds based on one visit (very good to hear). My BP at the OB office is 120/80 always and at home it is more in the 110/70 range.....so I really am not concerned, but she is (which is her job and I am glad she is serious about it). She also checked my urine for protein....negative! YAY! so again, does show that we don't have a problem besides my normal hypertension escalated by white-coat syndrome (typical).

But because of the elevation, she wants to see me in 4 weeks, weeeee. And I am to continue to monitor at home as I have been. If it escalates I am to call and come in sooner. Of course, I checked when I got home.....100/60 LOL. I have checked my cuff at the pharmacy to make sure it is correct and it is, so I blame docs for any escalation at this point.

But, I am blessed to have doctors who are serious about my health and bebe's too!

Next up, OB appointment on Friday, doing the one hour glucose again (to be extra sure) and doing a spot check for protein as there was a trace a few weeks ago.....doctors appointments could be a full time job :)

unbelievable

2009-11-21T17:13:00.002-05:00

We have made it to the 3rd trimester. I cannot believe how fast the time has flown.

~ this morning I woke up and said to J. "We are in the third trimester, bebe girl will be here in 12 weeks at the latest" (due to the hypertension, we will be delivering between 38-39 weeks). He got a little wide-eyed and said, we haven't gotten the furniture yet....LOL. I did order the bassinet, and it is scheduled to arrive before thanksgiving!

~ Thanks to goo.gle, I have learned that if bebe girl were to arrive as of this week, she would have an 85% chance of survival, while I don't want her here yet....I am beginning to like our odds.

~ I am realizing that I won't have to restrain myself with eating for the holidays....my body and stomach will be doing that on their own. I ate 2 pumpkin pancakes and some bacon for breakfast....and felt so stuffed, I still haven't eaten anything (and it has been over 6 hours) I thought I was going to be sick....reminder, eat less than normal, way less than normal. Typically I have been eating more smaller meals but i so love the pumpkin pancakes at the restaurant we went to.....I even gave the third one to J. I can't imagine what would have happened if I would have tried to eat it.

~ We scheduled our elective 3d/4d US for December 5th.....I can't wait to see her in 3d for that! We also invited J.s sister, husband and two girls....and we are considering his parents, it is just hard as they really don't drive and it would be over 3 hours roundtrip to pick them up and then we would have the same for taking them home.

~ I am loving these beautiful late fall days; it hasn't even been cold yet (knock wood). please don't make us pay for this in snow later :)

Silly papa

2009-11-17T16:07:00.002-05:00

J. sometimes has these thoughts and it sincerely cracks me up. I decided to keep track of these here on the blog so that I don't forget :)

examples from this week:
~ J. comes into the bedroom and says "did you know babies are born hairy?" huh? I say so eloquently. I wasn't expecting those words to come out of his mouth. He said he was reading "what to expect when you are expecting" (I knew leaving it in the bathroom was a good idea) and he read that some babies are born with hair on their back and shoulders, and some babaies are born with enlarged breasts because of the high hormone levels in their mama. AND that some babies are born with baby acne. "Perhaps" he say, "Perhaps it will be better if we do what you want and don't have any visitors in the first two weeks, so she has time to get cute"....silly papa. I told him that he will think bebe girl is beautiful no matter what her appearance is. Then I told him read a better chapter LOL.

~J. says that he is not going to be in the room when bebe girl gets her vaccinations. huh? He says he doesn't want her to associate the pain of the shot with him....LOL. silly papa.

26 weeks

2009-11-15T11:59:00.004-05:00

How Far Along? 26 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 16 pounds (eek! but still ok, hoping for no more than 1 pound per week for the remainder)

Maternity Clothes: Wearing maternity jeans, oh so very comfortable, and still loving the longer maternity shirts (i may always buy maternity tshirts LOL)

Sleep: Better this week, maanging reflux by not eating after 7:30 pm....it is working.

Best Moment of the Week: The US at the perinatologist telling us that bebe girl is measuring perfectly and weighing in at 1.8 pounds (or 1 lb. 12 oz.)

Movement: Yes, all the time

Food Craving: Nope.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No.

Belly Button: Getting wider and more shallow but still pretty deep.

Stretch Marks: none (whispered with fingers crossed)

Wedding rings: still on

Exercise: walking at least 45 minutes every day (helps with my RLS)

What I miss: running, and taking the stairs without getting winded.

What I'm looking forward to: scheduling a 3D/4D ultrasound. J. and I decided that since this may be our only baby journey, we would splurge and do it all.

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly ....I can't change this, because it feels like time is flying

Milestones: we officially started our registry :)

friday night leftovers (a little late)

2009-11-14T10:32:00.005-05:00

Danifred does this regularly and has invited others to join her party....so as I am starting to be influenced by J. I am late, but he would say fashionably on time LOL. Make sure you check out her blog to see what everyone else is sharing.

~why does it seem like there is never time to clean the house, but once you do, it feels so great?

~J. was sick much of the week and stayed home 2 days from work. I thought that pregnant women were supposed to be immune suppressed, once again I did not get sick.

~Currently when a friend posts things related to children's shows on FB, I have to google it to understand. I am guessing this will magically change once bebe girl arrives.

~My current vaccuum is from Se.ars, it has Intell.clean. I love the fact that it tells you when the carpet is clean.....who thinks of these things?

Happy Weekend everyone.

99

2009-11-13T11:10:00.004-05:00

Officially in the double digits for days left to our due date....even though we do know bebe girl will be arriving between weeks 38-39 weeks due to my existing (but under control) high blood pressure. It feels like this time is flying by....I want to grab it with my finger tips and hold on for a while.

It is like a sand castle built at the shoreline, built only for the momentary beauty, for those lucky enough to witness it. I feel so very blessed.

OB appt/ US

2009-11-08T13:17:00.004-05:00

So I had another OB apppintment, I don't know what number it is, that's bad isn't it? I should really go back and track that. For now, we'll call it another. This time I met with a different doctor. There are 3 doctors in the practice, but for some reason I have always been placed with the same one. I was glad to have this appointment as I do want to/need to meet all of them since there is no telling which one will be on duty when bebe girl arrives.

I really liked this doctor. (I really liked the first one so, so far 2 for 2) She spent some time with me going over everything from previous appointments and talking to me about hwo we are going to proceed. She is fine with the weight gain so far, which is good. She tried to listen to the HB and I say tried, becaue beb girl was so active that there was a lot of noise making it hard to get a read. We could definitely hear the HB, but it kept moving and getting drowned out by her kicks that the doctor did not bother with a reading....she just said, wow sounds like a really happy and healthy baby. She seems to have plenty of fluid and room to move around.

My next appointment is in 3 weeks! wow it already seems like time is flying and i know that is going to make it seem even faster. At the next appointment, I have to do the one hour glucose test, which I passed at 20 weeks so I am not too worried, and I have to have a spot protein urine check because they found trace in my sample at the appointment. She said it sometimes happens at the morning appointments as first morning urine is more concentrated, and my blood pressure was fine and has been when I check at home so she told me not to worry, keep doing what I am doing. I wasa little concerned but have since done some googling and have found no real reason to worry since my BP is under control.

I also just had another ultrasound! This one was for a growth check, so the perinatologist checks measurements, blood flow and fluid levels......everything looked great. Bebe girl was measuring exactly perfect, which the doctor said rarely happens and at 25w3d bebe girl is weighing in at 1.8 pounds. woo-hoo! that made me happy to think that she is doing well and weighing great. I go in for another growth US in 6 weeks so I will be in the 32nd week at that point. The only sad thing was that I only got one pic and it wasn't very good.....but I am not really compalining, after all bebe girl is well and that is what we want :) This doctor also said, wow baby is really active and moving around; that is a good sign. It made me laugh because both times the doctos said it I could feel her, but NOTHING like when she is really going at it.

So over all, things are good :)

hand made gifts

2009-11-08T13:10:00.003-05:00

Bebe girl recieved some beautiful handmade gifts this week from a former co-worker and good friend of mine. She is one of those people when you meet, you will never forget. Gorgeous and unique, huge head of red hair, full tattoo sleeves....and the biggest heart in the world, who would guess that she also knits? :)

When J. saw these he said they looked like they would fit a stuffed animal LOL.

24 weeks

2009-11-05T12:12:00.002-05:00

How Far Along? 24 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 12 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Wearing maternity jeans, oh so very comfortable, and still loving the longer maternity shirts (i may always buy maternity tshirts LOL)

Sleep: Getting tougher due to reflux :(

Best Moment of the Week: Swimming....and feeling bebe girl

Movement: Yes, almost always when laying down or sitting, now randomly when walking or standing.

Food Craving: Nope.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No.

Belly Button: Getting wider and more shallow but still pretty deep.

Wedding rings: still on

What I miss: people NOT commenting on how big or in my case how small they think I am.

What I'm looking forward to: Next OB appointment on 11/6, next US 11/10

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly

Milestones: Officially passed the point of "viability". But not interested in testing that theory.....My worry won't end until bebe girl is in my arms.

*changed positions in the hopes of making my bump more obvious :)

**edit, don't get me wrong, I don't mind hearing how small I am when people are looking at my picture :) but when I see people and that is the only thing they can say....well....and I am sure that I prefer it to the alternative, saying how big I am. I have just decided that I will never ever comment on a preggo's size. I will just say they look beautiful :) which for the record....I don't think I ever did before but I know I won't in the future!

awards

2009-11-04T11:31:00.014-05:00

I have been away on a trip which explains my absence :) I hate to announce that we'll be gone, and can't get it together enough to schedule posts so I just disappeared, sorry!
But I am back and will talk about the trip soon, but thought I would catch up on some awards, and then owe a 24 week update too.....so here goes:

the first one I actually recieved from two people: Kate, and another Kate thank-you both for the award, very sweet!! and so cute that two Kates gave them to me!

First one

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? far
4. Your father? sweet
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? forgotten
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. What room are you in? dining
10. Your hobby? scuba
11. Your fear? alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? plane
14. Something that you aren’t? fearful
15. Muffins? pumpkin
16. Wish list item? westcoast
17. Where did you grow up? kansas
18. Last thing you did? classwork
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Your TV? on
21. Your pets? none
22. Friends? plenty
23. Your life? satisfying
24. Your mood? content
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? rav4
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? wegmans
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? morning
31. Last time you cried? ireland
32. Your best friend? far
33. One place that I go to over and over? shore
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? facebook
35. Favorite place to eat? chipotle

2nd award thanks again Kate :)

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Nominate no more than 17 people who you love or you think could use some love.
5. Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6. You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated – the love has to spread to all.
7. Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

nominating these bloggers for both awards…
1. Danifred - hysterical

2. Just me - powerful

3. Amber - close (due date)

4. BWUB - blessed

5. EB - future (dreams)

6. Nicole - joyful

If you don't feellike playing, it's all good :) but thought this was a nice light way to work back into blogging!

Thanks again to Kate and Kate....you are the best :)

long lines

2009-10-26T17:05:00.006-04:00

Remember how I was going to get my h1n1 vaccine on Saturday. Well the clinic was to be from 10am to 2pm. I figured, I should get there early because I did not want to not get it, and was hoping to avoid lines. This photo is not from my clinic....but when I arrived at 9:50am....there were about 600+ people in line in front of me. The clinic was in an elementary school and the line snaked all the way outside where it was raining on and off lightly.

Some of you had some great ideas about playing up my pregnant belly, which is unfortunately not too obvious....well, of the 600 people in line about 30% of them were pregnant LOL. Obviously my OB called every single patient from her (and her two partners) proactive! And we were there in force.

So after a wait of about 2 hours outside, we made it inside....and then had another 45 minutes to wait inside.

But after that 2 hours and 45 minutes, both J. and I had been vaccinated. Me with the thimerosal free version (I was reading on the CDC website and one way you can tell if yours is thimerosal free is whether or not it is given from a single dose vial or a multidose vial, multidose vials contain thimerosal), and J. was able to be vaccinated (with thimerosal) because bebe girl will be arriving during flu season. SUCCESS!!

**the CDC and my OB both state that the thimerosal version is safe for pregnant women, but I feel better knowing that just in case I was able to get the thimerosal-free version. (but I would have gotten it regardless)

finally

2009-10-23T22:19:00.003-04:00

I received a call from my OB. There is a county h1.n1 clinic tomorrow.....fingers crossed that the lines are not long. At least as a pregnant woman I should get priority status. I have been trying to find a place here to get the vaccine. They just released them in my state today. I will get to cross another thing off my to-do list!

and I tho.ught I loved him th.en

2009-10-20T09:51:00.004-04:00

Happy Anniversary J. What a journey these past 3 years have been... I would not trade them for the world.

22 weeks

2009-10-19T15:35:00.005-04:00

How Far Along? 22 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 9 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Wearing maternity jeans, oh so very comfortable, and still loving the longer maternity shirts (i may always buy maternity tshirts LOL)

Sleep: Really good

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling bebe girl at random times when out and about, like at the dry cleaner....it feels like a secret conversation.

Movement: Yes, almost always when laying down or sitting, now randomly when walking or standing.

Food Craving: Nope.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No.

Belly Button: In, my bb is really an innie....still really in there.

Wedding rings: still on

What I miss: people NOT asking, "how are you doing?" like they are expecting me any minute to burst out complaining....I love being pregnant they are not going to hear any complaints (knock wood)

What I'm looking forward to: Next OB appointment on 11/6, next US 11/10

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly :)

Milestones: I passed the one hour glucose test (at 20 weeks) next glucose test at 28 weeks, weee.

**sadly you can see that while the belly may have gotten ever so slightly bigger.....i am not gaining any weight in my nonexistent flat butt!

it is worth it

2009-10-16T13:48:00.004-04:00

I have said many times that this has been an easy pregnancy for me. Really nothing to complain about no morning sickness, no spotting or bleeding, no pain, no food aversions, really nothing. But, I think I have found something that bothers me.

J. and I have a long standing tradition of competition. Most of this competition falls into the intellectual arena. One thing in particular is Sudoku. I am not sure if you play, but we really love the game. To the point that we bought the exact same puzzle book, and regularly use the book for competition. The book is only for competition, if we want to do a puzzle or two on our own, we use other books LOL. So far in the book we have done over 50 puzzles.....and I have won about 80% of the games. I never lose two games in a row....I sound like a poor winner, huh? But it is true.

Well, in the last week or two we have done 4 puzzles.....AND I have lost every one. Seriously, and not really close either. Bebe girl has sucked away all of my brain waves. I really hate losing...really.

If it means she is going to be a brillant girl.....it is worth it.

a chuckle

2009-10-15T13:43:00.002-04:00

Last night J. is talking to his sister. She has two little girls 5 and 3. She tells him the adventures of the day.

They were spending the day with daddy and the 3 of them were coloring at the table. The little one (M.) was sitting on her daddy's lap and kept dropping the crayons, and her dad would have to reach down to pick them up. Finally, the older girl (A.) says...."M. wh** the F***?" Their daddy says, "Um, A. what did you just say?" A. says "I said Wh** the F*** Daddy"

Oh my goodness, I had tears streaming down my face as J. is telling me this story. Knowing A. I can imagine the look on her face was something like....what part of that didn't you understand?....because she is after all 5 going on 15 LOL.

I can see we have lots to look forward to :)

For the record, she picked that up listening to her dad tell her mom a story about how he had just taken their dog for a walk, and how the dog had literally chased a squirrel up his legs, and across his body to his head before it leaped away.....let me just say, this family provides me with many giggles :) i love them all.

Note to self

2009-10-13T17:26:00.002-04:00

***Do not have s.e.x in the 22nd week of pregnancy and then go for a walk 30 minutes later and not expect to see some leakage (no blood, just discharge....god i love that word, ewwww). Nice, huh?

Of course, having heard all the stories and things that can and do go wrong, and having experienced my 3 previous losses and of course little B during this pregnancy, I suppose I get more worked up than the norm.

Sunday morning was the "day." Add to that the fact that bebe girl decided to have a nice quiet day where she turned her back out and I barely felt anything all day long and I was beside myself (sure that it was amniotic fluid). I of course used the doppler about 4 times that day.....sure that something was wrong, but she was there, quietly waiting for me to find her HB.

Monday she was pretty much back to normal movement, afternoon craziness and after eating and driking cold drinks.....and then this morning, she woke me up to a good half hour of kicking before quieting down for a while.

Glad I didn't call my OB....but need to remember that there was a reason I never let J. get lucky before our early morning runs (after one memorable experience). and walks are just like runs LOL.

I guess pregnancies after losses even when things are going ok, aren't without their worries, real or imagined.

OB appointment

2009-10-09T15:14:00.003-04:00

This morning I had another OB appointment. It was just the "typical" OB appointment. The usual weight, blood pressure (so far BP is remaining good with my current medication level) and urine test, everything looked good. My OB came in and reviewed our integrated screen results (which we already knew), our level 2 US results (which we already knew) and said my GTT was normal (which I had not heard). She had previously requested that I do the one hour GTT to make sure because of my age that I did not have gestational diabetes. I still need to repeat the test again at 28 weeks but at least I am happy to report that all is well.

She also asked if I am feeling bebe girl move, and I said yes every day. She checked bebe girl's heartrate, which she declared "just what we want to hear" and that was that....in and out in 30 minutes, including wait time and all.

She said that I don't need to return for 4 more weeks.....and no tests or blood draws between now and then.....wow, I feel almost normal.
Of course I still have my daily worries, but every day we are one step closer to holding her in our arms. Tomorrow we hit 21 weeks exactly.

career?

2009-10-07T20:14:00.001-04:00

I think bebe girl is going to be a rockette, soccer star, or maybe a ballerina that does those amazing splits.....cause she is so very active. I fear the next 19 weeks :)

bebe girl's first girly gift

2009-10-05T10:34:00.002-04:00

My wonderful friend Trish whom I met through a forum for losses, and who is also in her 7th week of pregnancy (congrats Trish!!) bought bebe girl's first girly gift. here they are, aren't they sweet?

20 weeks - halfway there

2009-10-03T11:51:00.004-04:00

How Far Along? 20 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 6 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Wearing maternity jeans, oh so very comfortable, and still loving the longer maternity shirts (i may always buy maternity tshirts LOL)

Sleep: Really good

Best Moment of the Week: our 20 week US! finding out our bebe girl is growing perfectly.

Movement: Yes, I have felt it, J. has felt it, and I can see bebe girl moving when laying in bed.

Food Craving: Nope. Not feeling hungry this week at all.

Food aversions: No.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: It is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: No.

Belly Button: In, my bb is really an innie....still really in there.

What I miss: Not tracking how much caffiene I am drinking. I don't drink that much normally, but if I have a half caf coffee in the morning, I won't have a coke or any caffiene later in the day. Before I didn't have to think about a coke and a coffee in the same day. (I do realize that 1 coke and 1 coffee is below the 300 mg limit......but I figure 1. i don't need it and 2. better to feel good about my decisions)

What I'm looking forward to: Next OB appointment on 10/9, next US 11/10

Weekly Wisdom: Try and enjoy every minute, it goes too quickly :)

Milestones: found out the gender and falling more in love with my hubby

**belly is showing, not very much, most women can't believe it when they see me. J. said bebe looked squished in there LOL. I told him if I gain weight that isn't bebe, then bebe will be even more squished.

int.egrated screen

2009-10-01T19:41:00.003-04:00

Before I left for Ire.land, the Friday before our Monday flight, in fact, I went to have my blood drawn for the final protion of the integrated screen. With the integrated screen, they take your bloodwork from the NT, the measurements from the NT scan, and the second set of bloodwork drawn around 17 weeks for me (i think it can be done between 16 and 18 weeks) and they put all of that into some magical computer and give you your risks for downs, trisomy 18 and neural tube defects.

I had blood drawn on Friday and was told to expect results in 7-10 days. If you don't hear in 14 days to call the office. So I left for Irel.and truly expecting not to hear anything until the end of the trip or even upon our return home.

We left Monday night for our red-eye to Ir.eland. When we arrived in Dub.lin, we rented the van and drove 3+ hours to the west coast of Irela.nd where we would be staying for a week. My cell phone rings and the number that comes up is not in my phone, hmmmm. wonder who it could be? I go into our room and listen to the message. It is the perinatologist office, calling to say they have our results please call back. Immediately, I panic inside. How can I not? they say it will take weeks and I am getting the call in days....surely they have found something terrible and they want me to come in so they can look. I take a deep breath and call back, of course they are at lunch. I have to wait another hour to call again. Magically I get through on my next call to a live person.

I give her my name and she gets my results....I think I am still holding my breath.
She says the results are great....the screen is negative.......whoosh, suddenly I can breath.
risk of downs 1/4300 (doctor later tells me better than a 20 year old)
risk of tri 18 1/10,000
risk of neural defect 1/4200

While obviously, this is not a guarantee that our bebe is healthy, it is a very good chance given those numbers and now the level II US which showed no soft markers for problems that she is fine. Knowing all of this I am not willing to risk an amnio. While I understand some people must know without a shadow of a doubt, and I can respect their decision, this is mine. If we had any indication that there was a problem, we might have made a different decision.

So I was able to truly enjoy our vaca knowing that one more thing was looking good for our bebe.

f.b. sta.tus

2009-09-30T19:02:00.001-04:00

J. is in Las Ve.gas for business. I signed into fac.ebook today to see his status as follows:

J: If actually being a father is half as exciting as thinking about being a father I'll be in good shape.

Can I fall any more in love with him?

level 2 US

2009-09-29T13:58:00.004-04:00

So before the big reveal, I should answer a question.
BWUB asked what I and J. thought about the baby's gender before the US....I have to admit, for me, I think my hopes and my feelings were so intermeshed, that I did not know what I "felt" and what I hoped for. I truly prayed for a healthy baby, but what parents don't? SO to be honest, my thoughts (hopes?) leaned boy, because of my less than perfect relationship with my mother. J. on the other hand from the very beginning has been clear that his greatest wish was for a girl.

The poll of course came out boy....

SO we showed up bright and early for my US. I use the restroom before going back to the US room. The tech comes in, she has a thick accent from Eastern Europe. She asks if I need to use the restroom. I say no, I just went. She says you should go, I think maybe she is not understnading so I repeat I just went....she asks, when? ....seriously? I get it, but I j.u.s.t. w.e.n.t. I give J. a look and he is looking at me like oh great....what a way to start. Any way, we settle in, and she surprises us both by being talkative and showing us everything. I am going with it was just a miscommunication and perhaps she has had many women lay down only to have to get up in the middle of the scan....

Bebe is laying head down along my right side. No surprise as my belly bulges out on the right side almost all the time. Bebe likes that side. The tech says bebe is in a good position to start with the heart so she does. She takes many many photos. She gets all 4 chambers, the aorta, ventricles, valves, the heart looks good. The tech is pretty good about talking about what she is looking at and for. Bebe's heart rate is 143. She asks if we want to know the sex, we say yes. She says ok, when she gets to that point she will try.

She then looks at the stomach, kidneys, brain....she measures the arms, legs, head circumference. In between each measurement she looks to see the legs, and bebe is legs together. the whole time....the whole time. The tech gets all the measurements and says everything looks really good. She says she still can't get a good look but she thinks she knows but can't be sure as the angle is not ideal.

She leaves to get the doctor. J and I sit in the room waiting for about 15 minutes. J. says I think everything looks perfect. I said thank you Dr. J. LOL. We chat about the stubborn baby with legs closed. I ask, did you see the nose? He says why did you think it would be big? I said no I just know that is one of the things they look for. Otherwise, the tech left the measurement screen up and we can see that all measurements feel within range. from 18w5d to 19w1d. This makes us feel good and we just wait.

The doctor arrives and says he will do some more measurements as he likes to see things for himself. Fine by us. He also quickly says everything looks great from the tech's measurements. He reviews the results from the integrated blood screen and notes that our risk of downs is 1/4300 which is a lower risk than a 20 year old. The first thing he does is look at the brain and then the face where he measures the nose (LOL, guess I read it right) and things still look great. He checks out the heart, kidneys, remeasures the legs and arms (his measurements are slightly larger than hers) and says things look really good. He talks about other testing and we say based on the NT, integrated screen and the level 2, we are satisfied and don't need further testing like amnio. He then goes to look at the one last question......

and he finds....

legs, wide open....

we are having...

a beautiful...

little...

girl!!

J is beside himself with joy, his grin makes me smile just thinking about it. He gets his little girl. We have not discussed names much, we have lots of time. J. teasingly said that we should name her princess LOL.

Tomorrow is the big US!

2009-09-28T20:52:00.000-04:00

Can't wait :)

our trip

2009-09-27T12:23:00.002-04:00

Well, everyone is home safe and sound. I will share photos from our trip and probably a story or two about bebe's first trip out of the US. For now, here are the first two gifts that J. and I bought for bebe.

I could not resist the onesie, since bebe is half-ir.ish.

The little sheep is made from wool from Ire.land.

Hello from the emer.ald isle

2009-09-22T03:44:00.001-04:00

Sorry that I have been MIA! I have been on vaca and thought that there
would be wifi.....but alas, no.

I will be back online shortly and can't wait to catch up you up on
everything (and me on all my blogs)

Suffice to say bebe and I love ire.land. And you'll be hearing from me
soon!

Sent from my iPhone

Amazing

2009-09-12T11:48:00.003-04:00

I have mentioned that I thought I was feeling our little bebe especially when I sit at the table and drink cold water but I was not comfortable saying that I was sure....

Well last night, we went to my favorite fast restaurant Chipotle (mmmmmmmm!) and I had my usual burrito bowl, chicken, guacamole, chips....and a coke to drink since I had not had any caffeine or soda all day, I thought I would have a treat.

When we returned home, we got in bed to watch Stepbrothers (pretty sophomoric, but amusing) and I was sitting up and had my hand on my belly; you can definitely see my uterus when I am laying down and I can tell which side the baby is laying on :) Then I was positive that I was feeling bebe. I did not have gas LOL, and I felt definite movement, at least one full kick....so I took J's hand and said, I want to see if you can feel this. I put my hand on top of his on my belly, and within a minute, a definite kick, he just looked at me....he was so amazed, as was I because I could feel it at the same time. wow....I did not expect to get lucky enough to feel anything this early let alone J....but we did :)

This morning I asked J can you believe it? he smiled and said it was amazing.

Appointment

2009-09-11T12:41:00.002-04:00

I had my OB appointment today and boy was it boring. I am very thankful that everything has been so very uneventful, and thankful that there is not much to discuss at the appointment, but I admit I was hoping to see bebe today. Alas, the OB just used the doppler for about 30 seconds, said the baby sounds great and that was it. No heart rate info, nada. Really, not complaining, so glad that she found the HB so easy and that everything is normal.

Results from my bloodwork and 24 hour urine were normal, so for fun, she decided I should do the glucose test early....just in case, since I am older. Of course, if I pass I still get to do it again between 24-28 weeks....so weeee!

I also went to have blood drawn for the integrated screen that goes with the earlier NT scan. I have read that different places do it differently, some take the first blood work into account with the NT scan, some wait. My high risk office, does the NT scan and then does the integrated screen which takes the results from the first bloodwork, then takes the results from the second bloodwork (which is the quad screen) and compiles the measurement, and both blood results and does some magical analysis and then give us our risk. I should hear something within 7-10 days. I am trying so far successfully not to worry as I have heard so many people with false positives. My level 2 US is about a week after I get the results, so not long to wait to compare if they have any concerns.

**Don't forget to vote on my poll if you haven't already :)

a poke and a poll

2009-09-09T14:29:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note-

Today I went to the clinic and got the flu shot.....happily the NP gave me the thimerasol free version without me having to ask for it :)

I posted a poll on the right for our big US in 20 days.....I am curious, what do YOU think I am having?

no really?

2009-09-08T16:25:00.003-04:00

I have hinted that my mom and I are not close. Detailing that story would be quite an endeavor but the short version of her story is she married young, had me before she was 20 (not trying) divorced before I was 1, married and divorced, 4 more times and 3 more times respectively.....if you are able to keep up, she is currently married. She has always been quite dependent on others, I felt like I was often the adult, she the child.

When I turned 30, she actually told me she wanted to be a grandmother because all of her friends were grandmothers....I was not married and not at a point where I was willing to be a single mother so she could be a grandmother....and I told her this, nicely though. While she makes me crazy and I wish things were different, she is my mother.

So when I told her that I am pregnant, she was over the moon, she had given up on me because of our conversation when I turned 30....I am surprised that she listened :) Here is her latest request.....that I schedule a c-section so SHE can be here. I was so angry, she is always able to make things about her. I asked her if she was seriously asking me to schedule a surgery that would put me at more risk unnecessarily and potentially the baby because she wanted me to?....she said well....I just said forget about it, it is not happening and moved on.

I realize part of her request is that she wants to be part of it.....but the fact that she doesn't think about what might be best for me or my baby makes me crazy. Isn't that what mothers are supposed to do, want what is best for their child? She and I are fine, but she never ceases to amaze me.

16 weeks

2009-09-05T11:27:00.003-04:00

16 week belly pic and survey.
I figured it was about time to post a pic, and you can decide for yourself about my belly. While I do realize that little bump never used to be there....I don't think I would ever ask someone my size if she were preggo :)

How Far Along? 16 weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 2 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Not really, though I have bought some tshirts as I love that they are longer (regular tshirts are too short for my torso on a normal day)

Sleep: Not too bad, depends on how J. is sleeping. He is the one who typically wakes me up, not the little one.

Best Moment of the Week: Hearing little ones heartbeat and increased movement through the doppler.

Movement: Probably not, but every few days I feel something that makes me think....maybe?

Food Craving: Nothing specific but I do eat a lot of Chipotle....and protein is the only thing that keeps me full.

Food aversions: Nothing specific, but some things taste too sweet, like my favorite Honey Nut cheerios, so now I mix them with regular cheerios.

Morning sickness: Never felt any, thank goodness!

Gender: No idea, fingers crossed that we will find out in about 3 weeks.

Labor Signs: No!

Belly Button: In, my bb is really an innie....wondering what that means for the future.

What I miss: Eating soft cheeses at restaurants. Since I don't know if they are pasteurized for sure. But at home it is fair game, I have found both feta and goat cheese pasteurized :)

What I'm looking forward to: Next OB appointment on 9/11.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't sweat the small stuff, if you are doing your best, that is good enough.

Milestones: 16 weeks and feeling great :)

Days slipping by

2009-09-04T10:04:00.004-04:00

Yesterday while watching the news they said that mj was being buried 70 days after his death, really? 70 days since then? That was my very first thought. I can't believe that 70 days have gone by. My reasons have nothing to do with mj, but instead, thinking about the fact that I was pregnant when that happened, and a miracle is continuing as I am still pregnant. 111 days today....seems like a lucky number.

I wonder if the questions that pregnant women hear are harder or not for those who have losses and IF? I ask because many questions from acquaintances have been quite intrusive (in my opinion). A SIL (not close at all) asked me if this pregnancy was planned....what?? is that ANY of your business? and if not, what are you going to do with that info? she also went on to ask after I said YES (don't ask why i answered...i guess i just wanted to affirm that indeed this child is wanted*) she asked if we had been trying and how long. Seriously? now I have to prove that the baby was planned?
*edit* a few sweet commenters were wondering if perhaps she is going through IF herself....no, she has 21, 19 and 14 year old children, and she is more than happy to tell everyone that she is glad to have the two out of the house...and that that time is almost behind her. I do,like my bloggy friends, try and be on the lookout for others in the IF battle, but in this case, I should have given you all the info upfront :) sorry for the omission! Her questions are not her way of asking for help :)

Another thing that bothered me was when I was trying to decide what jacket to take on an upcoming trip, I said well I don't think I will be too big to fit this jacket, and my MIL said "you have no idea what you are in for, you are going to be a lot bigger than that". What? i immediately said, if I am too big for the jacket for this trip, I have a big problem, I know when I am 9 months pregnant I won't fit it but for the trip I will. Seriously, what makes people act and say things like I am clueless.....I have no doubt that I will be big, I am happy about that, but currently at 16 weeks, if you did not know that I am pregnant, and I wear normal clothes, I am smaller than every one in the family....don't get me wrong, I want to look pregnant, and I am wearing the tighter pregnancy tops in the hopes of looking pregnant....but seriously. I know I could have it much much worse. But I don't like when people act like I am clueless. I know we have made a life altering step in our life.....and I can't wait :)

*note* I know many (probably most) unplanned babies are wanted....I was unplanned, but I wanted her to know that yes, this is what we were praying for.

blog award!

2009-09-01T13:30:00.003-04:00

I received the one lovely blog award for Dawn at Gods Plan Not Mine
She is currently in the TWW (after clomid) but has been cleared for an IUI for next cycle if needed. Head over and wish her luck!

The rules are to post a link to the person giving the award and then to name a few of your favorite recent finds in the blogworld. Well, I have tried to curtail adding any new ones as I have so many current favorites and couldn't live without them.....all of the blogs that I follower, read and comment on are so lovely and daily provoke me to think and laugh and love.....thanks to all of you!!

Bebe's first two concerts!

2009-08-31T14:46:00.004-04:00

Bebe is a music lover already!

I am not really a concert goer, not sure why I never developed that gene, but it never happened. J. on the other hand loves concerts and has attended many throughout his life. Since being together, we have attended many, and we are going to be sure to raise a music lover too!

Bebe has now attended a Pretenders concert at 10 weeks (at the famous Stone Pony), and a Weezer/Blink 182 concert at 14 weeks......a big one for the future is Pearl Jam around 24 weeks....Bebe, I hope you love this music :) as much as we love you!

First gifts for bebe!

2009-08-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

My terrific SIL gave us gifts for bebe and us as soon as she was told.....she is the one who screamed "I f**king knew it" LOL....she really doesn't swear like a sailor most of the time. Just when she is excited.

She gave us this too cute, little huggy frog, our first read aloud book and the "Bab.y Bar.gains" book. I had heard about this book but not purchased it so it was very welcome! **note, some how in the wrapping of the book and her two girls (3 and 5) her book and mine got switched, so the pic is of the book she gave me (her book 3 years old) and she will be switching with me this weekend for the new edition :)

Phone call from the hubby

2009-08-27T12:40:00.000-04:00

J: Let me ask you if you think this is weird.
me: ok?
J: no matter what kind of day I have, whether it is the best day at work or the worst, the best part of my day is coming home to you. Is that weird?
me: (smiling) no not weird at all.
me: I love you, drive safe home.

i am still here

2009-08-26T09:24:00.000-04:00

Well, throughout the day, I think of many things to write about

-our first baby gift
-my brain and how i lost it
-a couple of awards that my blogger friends gave me :) (thanks!)
-annoying questions now that I am out
-bloody noses :(

and so much more.....and then I sit down to write a post and....I just read everyone's blogs, do a few comments, and think

-how lucky I have been so far in this pregnancy (still missing little B)
-how content i am
-how no news on this blog = good news for me (no news means everything is normal here)

but I am still here....and will be better about posting. As much as I don't want to forget IF and become only a pregnancy blog....I do want to document how blessed we truly are.

we're out

2009-08-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

So we are now 13w2d officially in our second trimester (well some people say it is 13w3d and to those people, I say read this tomorrow :)

We had our NT scan as I posted and things looked good. Now that was the point that I told J. that we were waiting for, second trimester and the NT scan....so when do you think that he told his parents? well.....I can say at least we made it home from the appointment before he called them! but not too long after that.

Here are some of the scenarios:

J telling his dad: How would you feel about becming a grandfather for the 9th time? response: "Now you are making me feel old" and tell Dawn "good job"....really? :) good job?

J telling his younger sister: Well, we are going to make you an aunt again. response: (screaming) "I knew it, I knew it, I f--king knew it!" wowzers....too funny, she "knew" because I switched from diet coke to sprite.

Me telling my mom: I have an important question to ask, would you prefer to be called oma, nonna, or grandma. response: lots of silence throat clearing (me worrying i gave her a stroke) and finally in a small voice, "I guess grandma will be fine" needless to say, this is my mom's first grandchild.

Something that has unexpectedly came from this "telling" is that I am so very in love with my husband. J is so very happy and has told his friends family and co-workers our news as if he has gotten the best gift in the whole world....of course he has, but it is so endearing to see him truly over the moon about our bebe.... he has shared our US pic with over a 100 people so far, LOL. We came out to the rest of J's extended family thoughout Friday....and then the rest learned at the family party on Saturday. I think some of my extended friends and family have yet to learn, but mostly "we're out" and I am inn love with my husband and bebe.

99.7

2009-08-12T16:05:00.000-04:00

Nope that is not my temperature. That is the chance that Baby A is free from downs syndrome!

We went for the nuchal translucency scan today and it was awesome. The US tech said we had such a cooperative baby :) she was able to get numerous measurements and baby was in there squirming around, moving hands and feet. At one point we saw a shot where the baby was lying along the the bottom with legs up against the side.....for those of us crazy TTCers think along the lines of the wive's tale of putting your legs up against the wall after se.x. It was so cute. (unfortunately, we did not get a printout of that pose)

Baby A measured 12w 2d and the heartrate was 155.

When we went into the US our risk of downs syndrome was 1 in 79 (or 1.2%), this is based on my age alone. After doing the measurements, our risk was reduced to 1 in 379 or 0.3% chance....we are so very happy!! They also drew blood and I will hear those results next week, though maybe my OB will get those by my appointment on Friday. We also amazingly scheduled our 20week US.....September 29th is the magical day. I am also scheduled to do another blood draw for the integrated testing which compares your results from 16 weeks with the blood draw from today.

All in all an awesome day. I have some pics to post later today (edited....katery, just for you!).....and Saturday the family learns the news.....I think J. may burst with having to wait another 3 days :) he is so cute.

Another peek inside

2009-08-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is our NT scan which I can't wait for. Not because I am worried about the results, but because I want to see little A in there and see how big A has grown since last week.

Every morning I wake up and say good morning to baby....I use the doppler and am pretty good about finding the heartbeat within about 5 minutes. Baby hangs out pretty low, right along the hairline and usually is to the right of center though this morning shifted slightly left for something new. Once I find the heartbeat I can't help but smile, and say "good morning baby" I love to hear it. And I love how the past week or so I can hear the movement, sounds like swimming, you know when you are under water and you use your feet as flippers and you hear the burpble?

One thing I have noticed with this daily endeavor, the hair on my belly has gotten darker and more visible....I don't think there is more, as I have also had a light covering of blond hair....but the blond has gotten darker so it is pretty noticeable. I don't think I will do anything about it (except to pluck the ones I always have, the thick ones)

confirmed

2009-08-03T14:27:00.000-04:00

Sadly, I have just returned from my follow up US appointment. I say sadly, yet part of me can't help but be content. Thank you to everyone's comments, they meant so much to me these past days. Just knowing that you were all praying for us brought me some peace.

Baby B was easliy visible with the more sophisticated machine and the internal wand. But sadly, Baby B is no longer viable, no beautiful heartbeat. His sac is even more dwarfed than at previous ultrasounds.

But the reason I can not help but be content and praise God is Baby A is doing so well. Baby A was measuring 11w5d and as I am technically 11w2d, I am very pleased. The heartbeat was 162. The US tech was wonderful and took time to show us everything. Both on Baby A and Baby B. She also did careful measuring of uterus, ovaries and all. J and I are so very happy that Baby A is doing so well (as J. said, kicking butt) and although we will always miss B, we know that we are blessed.

Oh, and J. has decided the baby must be a boy....it isn't cute enough to be a girl...LOL.

well,

2009-07-31T10:46:00.000-04:00

I am back from my appointment. And I am sad to say it appears that baby B was not strong enough to survive. We are not 100% as the machine the OB used is pretty old, and we could posibly see where B was last time....I have an appointment on Monday with a real machine, that will be able to give us a clear view, but at this point 11 weeks along, B should be visible. I have had many weeks to think about this and know that these things happen, Lord knows that I know these things happen. Isn't that why REs do the super ovulation? In the hopes that we get one good egg...and sometimes there are more.

I am not going to to dwell on this right now because well....it is not 100% and there is nothing I can do but pray that what is meant to happen does. I know that nature is a glorious thing, that there are so many stages where something can go wrong. That nature has a way of knowing when it does go wrong. While I would give anything for B to be healthy, I know this might be the best thing if something is wrong. My heart is breaking for Baby B.

But Baby A looked great, I was definitely hearing at least one heartbeat, glad to know that I am not crazy....also interesting that it could be heard from two distinct spots but not in the middle of those spots, but I digress. I don't have any pics (the machine is that old) but guessing that I will probably get one on Monday. Baby A was beautiful though, just like one of those perfect US pics in a book.

My heart is torn right now, happiness for A, sadness for B.....sigh.

tomorrow

2009-07-30T15:57:00.000-04:00

tomorrow is my next US....early, I have less than 24 hours to go.....more like 18 hours :)

Over last weekend, I broke down and ordered a doppler. I didn't ever think I would, but then again I never imagined any of this. So, of course, as soon as it arrived, I had to see what if anything I could hear.

I have read on many forums that they could not tell if they were hearing one heartbeat or two different heartbeats, but I was willing to go through that....just to hear a heartbeat.

As soon as I out it on my belly the heartrate flashes in the 120s and then goes blank and so on...but I can't hear anything.....I know that my heartrate is lower much lower like in the 60s prior to the pregnancy and now typically in the 70s sometimes 80s.

I know that I should hear the heartbeat so I keep searching. I find it....definitely the baby's heartbeat. Swoosh-swoosh.....so fast such a beautiful sound. I can't stay on it for a steady reading but definitely over 140s, sometimes reading in the 170s (the doppler counts/times 8 beats and then determines the average). I keep searching, there are two spots that I can hear a heartbeat.....but I don't know if it is two different heartbeats or if it is the same heartbeat just read from different angles. The spots are about 2 inches apart....so I don't know.

I do know from all of the USs, the babies are implanted pretty close together with A blocking B....so it could be 2, it could be 1.....I will know for certain tomorrow, but I do know that the most beautiful sound I have heard is that swoosh-swoosh.

And of course, I looked for the heartbeats again this morning....slightly different positions, and a little harder to find, but again 2 spots....praying this is a sign.

my funny/sweet husband

2009-07-24T13:14:00.000-04:00

This morning my J. sends me an email suggesting that I start "signing" to our babies in my tummy with a link to a page all about baby sign language. We witnessed a friend's baby communicating via sign language before she was 1 year old....and we were intrigued. We of course discussed it at the time, but here we are 2 years later....and J. is supposed to be working...and he is researching baby sign language when I am 10 weeks along :) he is so sweet.

He has also taken to hiding little notes around the house for me to find....like on the nutella jar (one of those cravings that I have given in to).

trying not to give TMI

2009-07-21T16:31:00.000-04:00

ok, I have to ask this because I have not read too much about this out there and I know there must be other women like me....there must be.

Ever since my BFP (and honestly with my first pregnancy too) I think about s.e.x a lot. Most blogs and posts I read seem to be the opposite. At the beginning, because of my OHSS, we were not supposed to be doing that....but we still did a few times (very carefully because my ovaries hurt pretty bad).

I can't explain it other than I feel se.xy. LOL....I never feel like that but something about being preg.nant and maybe all those hormones? ....Now we have not been going crazy (TMI I know). But believe me I have been thinking about it way more than I have initiated it. And J. seems content without right now....I have had to spell it out for him every time LOL. He acts surprised and said he thought I was just snuggling up to cuddle. Not that he is complaining....but is this weird? Sorry if this is oversharing....but just curious :)

sorry, been in hiding

2009-07-16T19:06:00.001-04:00

Can you tell what I do when I am stressed or worry? yeah, I crawl right inside myself. I don't like to share my worries and give them air to breathe and grow.....so I lock them down deep inside and then clam up and deal. Fortunately, I am better with J. and I tell him when I am worried and he knows that as the day or thing approaches that I am obsessing over, I will become more and more quiet. He accepts it and gently tries to get me to stop worrying.

This time, of course I was worried about my OB appointment. So many things to worry about, will I like the new doctor, will I get to see the doctor, will they do an US, if they do what will we see....and on and on. This appointment is on the same timeline as my first mc which was a missed mc. J. and I go happily into the appointment thinking we are 9 weeks along and going to see our baby....on the anniversary of the day we met....and our world crashed down.

This appointment started out different. J. wasn't able to go because his company did layoffs yesterday and as HR Director....he needed to be there as support if there were any issues or things that needed addressed. I understand. And he has seen the babies twice already and there will be many more chances.

I met the doctor and my first impression was great. She sits down and says "i guess you know you are pregnant" LOL...yes got that covered :) she goes through my history and I bring her up to speed as to how we got here. I think I made the story more complicated than I needed to but I wanted her to know everything....we do the annual exam stuff....as I was past due (only 3 months....bad, bad I know). Then she says that we will go into the next room and take a look. Oh my....a doctor who listens!! yay! I couldn't imagine walking out of that office without knowing how my baby A and B are doing.

We go into the room and she asks me to lay down on the table....what? lay down? not remove everything from the waist down? I have been going to the RE too long. She wants to do the tummy US....really? how novel. At the time I didn't even have time to think about my last tummy US....the one where we didn't see the heartbeat, the one that turned into a vaginal US and eventually led to the D&E....thank god I didn't have time to think that. Instead, I thought, uh oh, I didn't drink a lot of water in prep for this LOL.

Immediately I see Baby A! there was the heartbeat easily seen with the tummy US. And looking like a baby. Now I forgot to mention.....the OB's equipment is nothing like the RE's....everything is much older and blurrier plus it is on the tummy which I know isn't as clear early....but there is baby A. big!

So she starts to look for baby B.....no, I think that is your enlarged right ovary....see the cysts on it? yep, that is the ovary. hmmm....not seeing another sac....hmmm. Baby B is doing his darndest to hide. Just like the other two times....I am starting to think maybe not, maybe we won't see him. The OB is thinking the same thing. She says I am just not seeing it. And then there it is....small so small compared to A. And then you can see inside but like the last time.....it isn't clear. She is saying I just don't see a heartbeat. and the sac is so small. And she is right, the sac is so small, it is filled with baby....the other one looks so different. I tell her that with the vaginal US the sac looked bigger but as she was saying it is much smaller. I agree....but she keeps trying and then....there it is....a heartbeat. Seriously, little B has a heartbeat....and though the size difference remains....they are both progressing. Amazing.

A second amazing thing. The OB apologizes to me. She says she is sorry that she told me that there might not be a heartbeat. She apologizes more than once. I tell her, it is okay, thank you for apologizing, but most of all thank you for continueing to look and for finding the heartbeat.

So, litle B is not out of the woods by any means....he is much smaller than his big brother or sister and his sac seems small too, though obviously he is in a tough spot for anyone to get a good view. He is squeezed on one side by Big A....and on the other side by the enlarged right ovary....but he is still growing.

We are still pregnant with twins :) and ever so thankful. We will be praying every day that both A and B continue to develop.

Next appointment is in two weeks with the OB and she will be doing another US to check on them! Yay. and then two weeks after that, we have our NT scan scheduled. While I know there can be false positives....I mostly just want to see the bebes again....so once we get the results, we will go from there.

I will be trying to be better about posting....and not go into my shell. because otherwise this is going to be one boring lonely blog....I do have some ideas for a few posts....so I will be around.

Thank you all for your prayers, keep them coming. I will continue to pray for your miracles too :)

Next appointment

2009-07-10T12:01:00.001-04:00

I feel like I am in a weird spot. Even though we saw the two heartbeats, there is still enough ambiguity in it that I am not feeling sure about anything. I know all of us who are IF or have had multiple losses feel this way, but it kind of sucks. J's sister and husband and two kids were visiting this week and J asked if he could tell them. I said no, that I wanted to see the heartbeats again....we'll be 8 weeks tomorrow so I know i am not asking too much. He wasn't upset, but I think he is thinking everything is perfect and can't wait for me to join him in this knowledge. I am glad that he feels good....and I do hope to join him soon :)

I called my old OB/GYN office this week. I have been going there since I moved to the east coast....so 10 years. First the apointment person was busy and needed to call me back. Then she "moved stuff around" to get me in ...July 31st (almost 4 weeks after I called) and knowing I had 3 losses and was seeing a RE. Oh, and i didn't even get scheduled with a doctor it was with the NP (not knocking NPs at all) But seeing my history, my length of time with the office....I was hoping for a little more....maybe even a congratulations...nope I did not even get that. Oh, and I was told they would not see me if I did not bring my records from the RE.

So with that as incentive, I called an office around here. Amazing a very sweet woman answered. She asked my name, address etc....and said how about an appointment for July 16th? I asked what to bring, she said don't worry about that, they would request all of that from the doctors after my visit....and she said Congratulations....wow what a difference.

So my appointment is next Thursday. I am not sure what they do on their first appointment but you can be sure I will be requesting an US as I know they do them in their office. I will be talking about my losses and the fact I would feel much better to see the babies again since it was early and there was the difference in size.

I don't really have any symptoms....some yucky feeling, not eating as much as normal, sore BBS off and on but nothing crazy....I am sure that is playing into the fact that I am nervous. But that said, I am not crazy nervous....I am able to function and for long periods of time I don't think about it, so I know I am not obsessing....but I sure want to see those babies soon :)

have you noticed?

2009-07-06T17:01:00.000-04:00

my new ticker on the sidebar? Yes....we saw two heartbeats.

we saw two heartbeats :) it was amazing.....baby A is huge LOL...measuring 7w1d (which is really close to the 7w2d by using the IUI date) and had a heartbeat of 143....so amazing. Then we started looking at baby B....so tiny next to baby A...i was pretty sure that the RE would say well you have one strong singleton....and he was moving it around showing me how the sacs look different based on how the wand is positioned (LOL, just imagine) and then he settled in to look at B....we saw the fetal pole and the yolk sac and then OMG, we saw the heartbeat. baby B is only measuring 6w1d with a heartrate of 119.....so much smaller, but B is hanging in there. The RE said, that it could go either way with baby B, so we are prepared but I am praying that B is just a late implanter and that he can catch up. our US pic shows how A is so much bigger and almost squeezing B out....but seeing their heartbeats side by side made me want to cry :)

any way...it is starting to feel real. One thing the RE said that really hit home is that the babies chromosomes are already predetermined....that nothing we do or don't do will hurt or help....so that made me feel good....like B is meant to be .....time will tell.

And...I am done with them....just like that :) I actually said "you are done with me? just like that?" and they laughed and said insurance companies .....so now I have to decide what to do. I don't really want to go to my previous OB office as there is one doc I really don't like plus they are about an hour and 15 minutes away....so i have to find a local OB probably high risk because of age and twins and existing high blood pressure....but i am thinking i will schedule an appointment with the old one so i can get in....and then look for a new one.

so for today I am very happily pregnant with twins.

***I want to say to anyone out there who this post might cause pain, I have been there, and my intent is not to cause anyone pain, but I promised myself that I would celebrate my pregnancy when it happens, and I am sure it will be much of what I discuss from here on out....in addition to my fears and worries during pregnancy. I hope that I do not lose any one during this time...but if so, know that I pray for you and for your own miracles soon.

It is never simple....is it?

2009-06-30T09:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry that I have been MIA, but being in that pregnant but not confirmed place was not that easy for me....I didn't know what to say what not to....but it doesn't get easier.

I had my first US appointment since the BFP and the multiple blood tests. My least favorite RE was the one who was working, boo, but J and I were just so happy to be there.

As soon as he inserted the vaginal ultrasound, I saw that there was at least one gestational sac. Yay! He then settled on the uterus and we saw two gestational sacs. He zoomed in on the one he called sac A. You could see there was a yolk sac and I thought i saw a tiny fetal pole. He then zoomed in more and we saw the tiny flicker of the heartbeat! He zoomed in to listen and had me hold my breath....then we heard it, the actual heartbeat! The baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days so the heart has just begun to beat and is 111bpm.

Then he zoomed out to check on sac B. It was located pretty close to sac A making it hard to zoom in. It was almost behind? Baby A....so he wasn't able to get a good look at it and he didn't even try to zoom in....boo Dr. S. But he said we would be able to tell more next week....ehhh, that didn't make me too happy but what can you do?

I go back on Monday to see how they have both grown since this visit....we are cautiously happy about Baby A :) and praying that Baby B kicks into gear a little late....maybe B is just behind and that might explain the lag in the betas too....

I also am still experiencing OHSS...yuck. Much of the fluid has left but there is still some....and the ovaries are still very enlarged and sensitive through the abdomen. So continuing with no s-e-x....and no exercise until it is completely healed...boo.

the whole story

2009-06-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

I loved the Pa.ul Har.vey "Rest of the Sto.ry" when I was a kid.....my grandpa would always listen to that station and I never ceased to be amazed at whatever story he told.....

Monday morning, the morning of the follow up beta, I wake up early to make sure that I get there in time because the drive is an hour and a half. J. had asked the night before if I wanted him to go and I said no, that seems silly, after all it is only a blood draw and I won't know what the results are until later.

As I am laying in bed at 6am I notice that my cell phone is ringing, but I don't recognize the number so I don't answer (my usual routine). No message is left so I assume that I was correct.

Before I leave, J. says to me, we can handle whatever the outcome is.....which is perfect. I didn't want to hear some false positivity....but he said exactly the right thing.

I make the drive, talk to the nurse who does the draws. She asks about bleeding and cramping for the file...nope none. She asks if I have any complaints, I laughed and said yeah, last draw you ave me some sucky numbers....she sort of laughs, more of a sad smile and then I ask for better ones this time. She is sweet and does her job well just like always.

I get in the car and make the hour and a half drive home. during the drive, I notice that my cell hpone shows a missed call from my sister in law....I had the ringer off so i don't know when she called but i know that it was after the blood draw. Weird i think, since I know she and her husband and kids are at the shore. no message.

Finally back home by around 10:15am....by the way, so distracted by my nerves, that I miss my exit off the NJ turnpike and have to go 8 more miles to the next one.....great. My phone rings, it is J. He asks me how i am, am I home, do I know the results. I said no I won't know until afternoon but I am home.

Then I hear it....I ask what's wrong. His aunt has unexpectedly passed away. She was in a care facility because she had fallen and broken her leg 6 weeks ago....but she was fine. She was supposed to be up and walking this week. She was young. Her sister passed away 90 days ago....J.s mother has lost both of her younger sisters in 3 months. J is heart broken. We were taking her to Irel.and in September with our parents. This aunt was a nun, with a master's degree in theology....bright caring...sigh.

J. can't come home, his company is going through layoffs and this is a critical week. I feel terrible that he has to be there. His words to me before he hangs up were "I hope this is the only bad phone call you get today".....

The nurse calls and say "your numbers were great! you are all done with bloodwork"....I can't believe it. I ask "Are you serious?" She laughed and said yes, she gives me the wonderful number of 7133 and helps me schedule the US for 6/29.....

I call J. to give him a little ray of sun that day....

I can't say that I am religious, but perhaps some one whispered in an ear, that we could use a miracle? of course we also had the whole internet praying for us....now we just need to see that flicker.

oh my!

2009-06-22T14:02:00.000-04:00

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and for their positive thoughts. I spent the whole weekend away from the internets except reading all your wonderful comments to me....without those, I don't know how I would have made it through. You all truly get it....and allowed me my worries but stood next to me. And worry I did; I worried the whole weekend :) because I figured, if this baby is strong, all will be well, if not, trying to stay positive wasn't going to change anything. Don't get me wrong, I stayed careful, and acted as if pregnant. I did help J. install a ceiling fan...and had one cup of caffeinated coffee, but otherwise, I was good.

I have more to this story, but want to do a separate post about it later....for now, without further delay....

The nurse called with my bloodwork (good sign, the NP calls when it is bad)...and she said your bloodwork came back great, in fact, you are all done with bloodwork....WTF? I asked if she was serious.....she laughed and said yes. My levels went from 1627 to....wait for it....7133 in 3 days!! I am amazed, and thankful and speechless....so I am 23dpo with a level of 7133 :) my first US is scheduled for next monday when I will be 6weeks 2days....praying for a strong heartbeat!!

no

2009-06-19T13:24:00.001-04:00

please don't let this be happening again.

hcg was 1627 (prog still over 100), doubling time calculates to 118 hours....not good. As the nurse said, she has seen this go well...and she has seen it go the other way....oh god, I don't think I can do this again.

i go again on monday for another beta, this sucks.

breath #1

2009-06-16T15:47:00.000-04:00

Today was the second beta, I can breathe today:

13dpo HCG - 219 Progesterone +100 (my RE doesn't give exact numbers once it reaches 100)

17dpo HCG - 1067 Progesterone +100

doubling time 40.71 hours (draw on 13dpo was 11am, on 17dpo the draw was at 8am)

next beta is on Friday....think 3300 for me please :)

I confess

2009-06-15T17:07:00.000-04:00

i have been peeing on sticks.....but look how pretty they look (the bottom darkest one is of course the most recent one.....read today) :)

Tomorrow is the second beta.....so after i see the doubling numbers....i won't need to do this anymore (though I do have 2 left, wink, wink)

Change of plans

2009-06-12T14:41:00.000-04:00

I have shared that this morning I was going to fly to go see my mom for her 60th birthday. The past few days I have been feeling increasingly more crappy. I am not going to go on a woe is me rant for being pregnant but I have felt pretty bad. When I went for my US and b/w 6 days after the IUI, the RE found fluid. SO I knew I was at a higher risk of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). I have been bloated and gross with it getting increasingly worse since my birthday. This morning, I wake up 2 hours before my alarm (which was already set for 5:30am) and felt crappy. my abdomen felt like it was going to explode. I already had given up side sleeping 2 or 3 days ago because I could feel the fluid and my internal organs all floating around. So I asked went to the bathroom, peed...threw up, thought I was goin to explode again. I laid down, J asked what he could do, I said, garbage can, gatorade and a wet washcloth. Decided that flying wasn't going to happen.

At 9am, I called and left a message for the RE office about my positive test and my discomfort. THey asked me to come in at 11am for b/w and an US. We do the bloodwork for the beta and progesterone. Then the US. He listened to my lungs, felt on my belly and then we did the wonderful internal US. Why yes, Dawn, you are right you do have quite a bit of fluid. And yes atleast your right ovary is overstimulated. (the left was large but not nearly the same size) The Re said he would categorize my OHSS as moderate on a scale from mild to moderate to severe. Ladies...if you have ever had severe, I feel for you. That must be horrid. So I have a list of instructions, keep drinking gatorade, i have to measure my pee...fun, take it easy meaning no strenuous activity, but I should remain active. and keep an eye on my weight and other symptoms. oh, and then i had to et stuck again because he wanted to check the cbc? to make sure i am not losing too many electrolytes and other fun stuff. The RE said if he were to do the aspiration he would guess that I am carrying around 2 liters of fluid in my abdomen.....wow. we aren't doing the aspiration unless it is unbearable for me....but i will survive....my mom on the other hand will probably not be happy. especially since she has no idea....but in a matter of weeks, all will be explained :)

oh, and the absolute bestest news???

My HCG on 13dpiui (or 13dpo) was ......219! and
My progesterone was .....+100! They don't even give an actual number when it is over 100! (unfortunately, I still get to do the lovely suppositories for another 8 weeks) but hey if it helps, i will survive! next beta is Tuesday....think lots of doubling thoughts! Thank you all for you support, it means the world to me!

Birthday wishes

2009-06-11T15:21:00.000-04:00

All of us in the world of IF have so many wishes. And we have so many friends who have the same wishes. You all were so wonderful with your wishes for my birthday, I am praying for each and every one of you. Thank You!

This year for my birthday, I recieved the first of, I am praying, many of my wishes. I am sorry for the quality of the photo, it was taken with my iphone....but I think you can see it. And the line today was darker!

I will call the RE on Monday and hopefully start my betas then.